Fitz, the Novel

The End of the Road

Ivy hall? Hey, kid, you going to Ivy hall?

Yeah, I'm going to walk, thanks.

Walk? Walk? Up that hill? Kid, hop in.

It doesn't look so bad.

Not real steep, for sure, but it's two miles long. Fun coming back down, though. Your folks shipping your bike?

Maybe. How much is this?

Nothing, pro bono. Let me put that case in the back. Ride up here with me. The trunk's got a body in it. Kidding.

Funny. I think I can walk.

Come on. Inspiring view, uh. Like it was painted by that madman, dear Vincent. You know Vincent, right?

Van Gogh.

Yeah. You just missed it. At dawn. Wow.

I heard it was sorta old fashioned.

Shakespearean! It's Shakespearean. The Globe. Shakespeare's my thing. I just got back from Stratford. My Bard's wardrobe is in the trunk. Really. This taxi gig is just to keep body and soul together. Ya, know?

Something wrong with your car?

No? Oh! No! Just set her on leisure cruise. Gates don't open for fifteen minutes.

Gates?

Yeah, gates. You didn't know about the gates?

Know what?

Ivy Hall is locked except to let the profs out for their morning bike ride.

What?

Yeah, they ride down Eidolon Road here, turn back there where I picked you up before they hit the plate glass of the library window and proceed down Hamlet Street which curves back to Ivy. It's downhill most of the way.

Is that possible?

When they arrive at the base of Mount Academia, they get hauled up with their bikes in a cargo elevator. Three hundred steps to the top!

Sounds like fun.

Only profs ride the cargo elevator.

I thought so.

Hey, in winter you get to skate. You skate, right?

I guess.

You'll like it. They skate at Cathcart School for Girls.

Cathcart Collegiate is a school for girls?

Yep, and you get to skate there every day in the winter. Course, they lock the girls up at that time.

Sounds like jail.

Well, you'll be out in six or seven years. Unless you decide to become a prof. Then it's for life.

Do they let us out?

Sure. You mean daily? Weekends, Saturday you can go into town. Classmen sneak over to Cathcart all the time.

No one told me about this. Can I go back to the station?

They'll just send you back, won't they?

They?

Your folks. You show up and they stick you on the next bus. Right?

I guess.

Might as well suck it up. It ain't so bad. I went here ten years ago.

Learned to love Shakespeare. Shakespeare, that's my thing.

Yeah.

You like Shakespeare?

Hamlet seemed real.

Yep, Shakespeare's my thing. Old Fitz is responsible for that.

Old Fitz?

Professor Fitzgerald. He's still here. I see him coasting down the hill, mornings. Shakespeare and World Lit.

Nice teacher, uh?

Nice? No. But he forced me to read and think. He's a tough son of...a gun. Think, think, think.

Uh?

Fitz's war cry--Think! Think! Think!

Wow!

Yeah, that's quite a dip on that side of the road, uh? Here they come.

That's Fitz on that old clunker bike. He's had that for 50 years.

He looks normal, sort of.

They all do. Hey, Professor Fitzgerald.

Hello, Benson! Got a new recruit, have you?

Yes, sir, professor!

That's me, uh?

Yeah. Well, this is the end of the road. I'm Benson, David Benson.

I'm Jonathon Hugo.

Hugo, glad to meet you.

Thanks, Mr Benson.

Just Benson, Hugo. It's tradition!

Thanks, Benson. I have some money.

No, that's fine. Old Fitz pays me.

He does? Why?

To keep my body and soul together, so I can have my Shakespeare thing during the summers. He doesn't have anyone. No family.

Did they all die?

No. Professors have to be bachelors.

Why?

Tradition. Must be a reason written down somewhere, you'd think.

You'd think.

Hey buck up, Hugo. I came when I was your age about eleven...

Twelve.

Twelve. You'll spend a year less here than I did. And I did fine. The time will go like zippety-doodah. Out, out, brief candle!

I've been in worse places, I guess.

Well, this is the end of the road, Hugo.

It looks like it.

Take your stuff through those doors and report to Madam. She'll sort you out.

Madam who?

Just Madam. She's the only female on campus. She'll sort you out. Just don't say much but listen to everything she says.

Thanks...

You'll do fine, Hugo. Got to run.

Bye, Benson... thanks...I think.

The Method

Gentlemen, welcome to Ivy Hall School for Boys. I'm Professor Fitzgerald and I will develop your feeble minds into powerful engines of thought through the study of the Literature of the World. We will study European Literature from about 1800. I include Russia in the study. We will study major and minor authors.

Although they are minor authors, all of them reached their majority.

Uh?

Although they are minor authors, all of them reached their majority.
The boys liked your little joke, Hornblower. An active group this year, wouldn't you say?

I would, sir.

Will you be as active intellectually, this year?

I will, sir.

Why study literature? You there with the distracted look. Next to Mr Hornblower.

Me?

Yes. Name.

Frank...

...surname first, Christian name last.

...Dunlop, Franklin. My mom calls me Frankie.

Does she? She calls you for supper, too, no doubt. Well, Dunlop--why study literature?

I have to.

Do you indeed? Hornblower had to, only he didn't, did you Hornblower?

I did not, sir.

Not much thought in that answer, Dunlop. Any thoughts Mr Hornblower?

Yes, sir. Lots of them.

Any that do not involve the young ladies of Cathcart Collegiate?

I fear not many, sir.

Gentlemen, save the war whoops for outside. Your thoughts on the reason to study literature, Hornblower.

Because it is essential for a complete education.

Oh you were proud of that one, Hornblower. Can someone build a sentence for Mr Hornblower's lonely clause? Name.

Hugo, Jonathon. We study literature because it is an essential part of a complete education.

Well done, Hugo. Hornblower, no more point form notes. Let's get it right this year.

I will get it right, sir.

Deep in thought, Dunlop?

Yes, Professor.

Share it, Dunlop.

I was wondering about the young ladies at Cathcart, sir.

Be done with those Bacchanalian cravings until Christmas pageant time.

Christmas?

Disappointment duly noted, gentlemen. But mercifully, it comes only once a year.

You don't like Christmas, sir?

Christmas is fine. It's Cathcart's invasion of Ivy Hall I object to.

I think an invasion might not be too bad, sir.

Well, you're young and jazzed up, as you lads say.

Jazzed up, sir?

Oh, yes. Same every year.

Shouldn't we be getting on with the show, professor?

Right you are, Hornblower. Perhaps this is why I retained you.

If it is sir, could I be excused from the assignments?

Mr Hornblower, you are a dreamer.

I am a dreamer, sir. But the show, sir?

I will conjure items from my pocket. Perhaps one of you might identify the particular object.

A ballpoint pen, sir.

Astute. No doubt you've used one.

Many times, sir.

Will you be using it in my class?

I will...

If the next word is 'not', you are correct, Dunlop.

Ballpoints belong here. In the trash.

And what is this?

A pencil, sir.

Who said that?

Coleman, Donald, sir.

Pencils are a fine invention. Suitable for notes in this class, Coleman?

No?

Is that a question, Coleman?

No. No, pencils are not suitable.

And?

And...and..and belong in the trash!'

You had us on the edge of our seats, Coleman.

The whole seat feels like an edge, sir.

Very astute, Dunlop. I suppose you will not be sleeping in this class.

Not in these desks, sir.

Oh, don't be too sure. Hornblower had many a fine sleep last year, didn't you Hornblower?

I did so, sir. Like a baby, sir.

And this delightful object?

Send it to the trash, sir.

Ah, a quick thinker. Name?

Fortis, Jerome, sir.

Well done, Fortis.

Where might ballpoints and pencils and markers and crayons be used?

Anywhere, sir. Anywhere, except in your class, sir.

Brilliant. Hornblower, no notes in crayon this year.

Just to my mother, sir. She likes my drawings to be colored.

Is it true we can't use lined paper?

Of course not, Dunlop. Use lined paper to line a bird cage or to fold into an airliner.

I was thinking for making notes.

By all means, Dunlop. Send notes to your mother on lined paper. Just don't send them to me.

Now view this vast slate as depicting your ignorance. No slouching, Mr Ouilette. A straight back produces a straight mind.

Just trying to get comfortable, sir.

There will be none of that, either.

No fear of that, sir.

Note the graceful cursive, gentlemen. 'A Hero in our Time' by Mikhail Lermontov. This reading is to be done for next class. Speak with Mr Todson, our librarian, about copies.

What do we do?

Ah, a sad lament bursts forth. Name?

Rich...Buchan, Richard, sir.

We will discuss the themes, motifs, and symbols of the book.

What's a motif?

Good question, eh Hornblower? Have you ever heard such a good question?

I have heard a better question, sir. What's a dictionary for?

Hornblower, that is a much better question. Buchan, do you suppose you might ask Mr Todson to point out the dictionaries for you?

Aren't teachers supposed to teach?

Yes, but teachers are not supposed to wipe the drool from your face, Buchan, that's your mother's job.

Ouch!

Mr Hornblower, what have you been told about missiles in class? Although you do seem to have caught young Buchan's attention.

Prof just taught you the secret of answers, Buchan.

Hornblower, I do believe I have struck pure gold with you!

I am pure gold, sir.

A year late, alas.

Alas, that too, sir.

Buchan, lead the class to the library. Get all the wonderful stuff you need.

Which way is...It's okay, sir, I will ask Hornblower.

What a brilliant teacher I am! Wouldn't you agree, Mr Buchan?

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow morning at half-eight, gentlemen. Happy reading. Leave like gentlemen not louts! And think, think, think!

Hugo, come for tea tonight in my chambers, half-seven.

Yes, sir. Shall I bring school work?

Not necessary, Hugo.

I'll see you at half-seven, professor.

The Motive

First day of term! I cherish first day of term. A toast to Ivy Hall
School for Boys!

A toast to Hallers everywhere!

Long live Ivy Hall!

Wait, wait.

Not toasting, Allenby?

I've run out of brandy, Sipes!

Mr Grammatika, more brandy for the troops!

And cigars all round!

Oh, Barney, I absolutely love First Day of Term!

We must have a little confab, Fitz.

What's up?

Madam says the Old Goat is about to make a decision.

About?

About? What else could it be about? He is going to appoint you Head Master!

That's....

Your life's goal, Fitz.

But the Old Goat has fooled us before.

He hasn't left his room all summer. He can't go on much longer. Just reviewing the names on the class lists required a nap break.

So he's ready for pasture, is he?

He's been a good old goat.

He has preserved the great traditions of Old Ivy. To Dr Cooper.

Shush, Fitz. For our ears only.

Does Allenby know?

No one knows but us. I don't think Allenby has the slightest interest in a headmastership. Madame says he abhors the administrivia as he calls it.

He may well abhor the work but not the status. Headmaster, is quite a feather in a man's cap.

I suppose.

How do you know this, Barney?

Madame says the board minutes listed headmaster position as a topic of discussion.

So it's official. How do you wheedle this out of the redoubtable Madame?

Oh, I didn't.

Who then?

Johnnie Walker!

Good work, Barney! I must get prepared. I imagine there'll be some interview, a show trial, of sorts.

Yes, and then a coronation with wines, cheeses, and all the traditional toasts for a new headmaster.

I wonder what they are? I hope the Old Goat remembers them.

Todson will have them catalogued, you bet.

You've been a great friend, Barney. I will make you Head of Studies. Professor Arthur Xavier Barnabus, Head of Studies. Has a nice ring, eh, Barney?

That's an old dream, Fitz. Make me permanent study hall proctor, so I can sleep over a good book.

You don't want Head of Studies?

Not for years and years. I have only small wishes now. You need a young man for Head of Studies. Perhaps LeMoyne or Sipes. Although, they're getting on, too. Where is the time going to, Fitz?

Well, if you should change your mind, Barney, just say so.

I would but I won't. You still want the Headmastership, don't you?

I gave up too much not to.

I often wonder if taking a wife might not have been so bad. I could have worked at other august institutions or even in a public one!

Heaven forbid. Old Ivy is our bride and family, Barney.

Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. I'm just wondering if...

I must prepare. Headmaster Fitzgerald. I had almost despaired of ever hearing it. Headmaster Fitzgerald.


Meet the Unwilling Accomplice

We have to eat together, too?

What are you whining about, Hazlitt?

I'm Ouilette, he's Hazlitt.

I'm not Hazlitt, he is, I'm Martin.

I need a pack mule for all these books. We even have to read for math!

Allenby, math, face like a cadaver. Borlasse, history...

...Barnabus is history. He was there when it was current events.

Borlasse, science, army boots. Do you want a sodding great boot up your backside? That's what he said.

What did you tell him?

No, because he looked like he meant it.

Borly is okay. Sipes, the artiste, he can be worse than a boot in
the ass. He'll keep encouraging you until you get it!

He smells like my grandmother. Kinda looks like her too.

Coach is all right. If you don't mind the drop and give me ten routine.

I mind.

You'll be meeting Grammatika, the tutor. He knows everything but he's not a doctor of philosophy yet. And Walters, the choir master.

Choir master?

Yeah, everyone sings in the choir. Everyone.

That's it?

Let see, Todson, you met him in the library. Monsieur Professor Pierre
Antoine LeMoyne. And of course, Fitzgerald.

He's creepy. Looking over those glasses like we were vermin.

He ain't bad.

He likes you, Hornblower.

He likes everyone. Most of the teachers here are...here to be helpful.

I'll never get a chance to know about that. I can't read all these books.

Listen up, Lang, everybody. See those primates over there? They're Classmen.

Big deal.

They think it's a big deal.

I'm going to get some lunch, if there's anything edible.

Listen Dunny, it doesn't work like that. First Classmen get lunch, the Form C, then Seconds, then us Nubs.

Classmen, Form C, Seconds, and Nubs? What kind of system is that?

It's been that way forever and that's the way it is.

Hornblower, this place is a museum.

Mausoleum, you mean.

I'll have to look that one up. Fontaine, right?

Yeah.

The Classmen are coming for a visit. Let me do the talking.

Mr Peters, we have some Nubby babies at our table.

You know where you belong, Quenville.

You aren't supposed to talk to us that way, Hornblower.

I didn't know that, perhaps you could teach me the rules, Quenny.

Hey, don't get smart with Mr Quenville.

I won't, Marshall. I wouldn't want to leave you stuck in stupid all by yourself.

What are you laughing at, Nub? You don't know jack.

He's Dunny. I'm Jack.

I was laughing at you, Classy-boy.

I'll be looking for you at the athletic field, four o'clock. What's your name, Nub? Dunny?

Dunlop, but you can call me Sir Dunlop.

Sit down, Dunlop. You guys can go back to your little club room.

Who made you boss, Hornblower? We can wipe the floor with you.

Which one of you wants to start?

We got no problem with you, Hornblower. It's shorty... Ow!

Dunlop! Sit down.

Step off, Quenville. I run the Nubs.

If that little peon comes near me, I'll pulp him.

Whatcha gonna do, sit on me, Ass-boy?

Dunlop, I'm gonna whack you, if you don't shut up. Got it?

Yeah. Yes, Hornblower.

Come on, Peters, Marshall.

Nice punch. Quenville's gonna have a black eye. He bruises like a
peach.

I didn't have my fist set right. I think I broke something.

Too bad. He'll be back. He's like an elephant--he never forgets to get even.

Dunlop, your hand's swelling up.

We'll ice it, then see what Coach thinks.

Come on, we'll get ice from Cookie.

Does it hurt, Dunny?

Only when I laugh. Haha.

You're one prime idiot, Dunny. Quennville and Peters will be looking for you.

What about the moose?

Marshall? Keep some candy in your pocket and talk nice and soft to him.

Coach

Come in.

Coach, Dunlop hurt his hand.

Hurt his fist you mean, Hornblower.

Yes, Coach.

Quenville just left. He has a bad headache.

Dunlop, you're a feisty one, taking on Quenville and his little band of rogues.

Is it broken?

No, but you'll feel it for a while. I'm going to give you a pain killer, Dunlop.

Thanks, Coach.

No more punching, Dunlop. At least until it heals.

Yes, sir.

Come spring, I want to see you on the boxing team.

Yes, sir!

You, too, Hornblower.

Oh yes, sir.

Capability

Knock, Knock, Knock. Who's there in the name of Beelzebub?

It's Hugo, Professor Fitzgerald, sir.

Come in, Hugo. No reason to be timid.

You invited me to tea?

Did you like the Shakespeare, Hugo?

Yes, sir. The gatekeeper from Macbeth.

Masterful! I prefer Macbeth to Hamlet. All that dithering.

Macbeth often acted in haste, sir.

But, he acted. Honestly, when I see Hamlet I want to cry out --get on with it, man!

Yes, professor.

Anyway, I think I have chosen the right man.

Macbeth?

You, Hugo.

For what, sir?

Time for all that, later. Come in and have a seat.

Uh...

Choices are rather limited.

I thought the professors would have bigger places. Sir.

We have our own bath, of course. Just through there.

Oh. It looks like a closet. Sir.

Not much larger, Hugo, not much at all. It's all compact. But I have everything I need. Books and a light by which to read them.

Yes. We have that in the dorm.

Do you like tea, Hugo?

I don't know. My grandma only let me have hot chocolate.

Hot chocolate it is.

How?

I keep a kettle. Mum's the word, Hugo.

Ye, sir.

I keep some biscuits, too.

Some of the boys do, too.

We all do, since the very first days of Old Ivy. It's a tradition.

Lots of tradition, here.

I brought this suitcase on my first day here. I was almost 11. My mother packed me coco and biscuits. My father put in a Bible. Grandmother knitted a scarf. My grandfather wanted me to take a pistol!

Why?

He thought teachers needed shooting at, once in a while! He gave me this compass, instead.

So you won't get lost.

I suppose.

That was the reason your dad gave you the Bible.

Of course. Gramps was disappointed the family wouldn't let him give me the pistol.

My gramps is a little strange, too, sir.

So hot chocolate, it is. I have creamy and extra creamy with marshmallows.

Marshmallows, please.

What do you want to make of your life, Hugo?

Not sure. My grandparents want me to be a doctor.

And you? Is that what you want?

I don't know yet.

I knew the day I got here that I wanted to be Head Master.

Oh.

Oh. What?

I heard you were ancient!

No, the Head Master is. Dr Cooper is ancient.

You're not Head Master?

No. Not yet!

I enjoy hot chocolate while reading Emily.

Dickinson?

Yes.

What are the ribbons for, sir?

Chess. I was blue ribbon every year but one.

What happened that year?

I got the influenza the day before and played sick. I finished second.

No ribbons for second, uh?

They gave me a nice red one. Made a big fuss, too.

I don't see it.

I burned it. Second place doesn't interest me, Hugo. Never has. Never will.

The kettle's boiling.

Never will. I had my sights set on winning.
I believe that little beggar infected me on purpose.

Who?

The little beggar who won that year.

The kettle is ready, Professor Fitzgerald.

Yes, that little beggar... Oh, the kettle, should have said something, Hugo. Burn Old Ivy down and I'd have nothing to be Head Master of.

Is that you up there, sir?

Oh yes. Fine sport, Hugo. The water here isn't suitable. That's the championship four. Great lads. On the river every morning.

Why did you say I was the right man?

The young ladies would come to watch.

Professor?

Hmmm.

Why am I the right man?

Because you are, Hugo. Never doubt that.

For what?

For chamber boy, Hugo. What did you think this all about?

No idea, sir. Less now.

Chamber boy. It's a paying job, Hugo. I bet that's interesting.

Yes, sir! What exactly do I do?

Chamber boy duties. Here, careful.

Thank you. Chamber boy duties?

Yes. Tidy up a bit and take out the trash. Laundry.

Laundry. I've never done that.

Just take it down the street and pick it up the next day. And you'll have help.

Help?

I'm meeting Fortis, too. Both of you will be chamber boys, too. You get along with Fortis?

I don't know yet. He seems okay. Has he accepted?

He will. His background is economically straitened.

When do I start?

I'll walk you through it now and you can start tomorrow. You'll do only this wing. Dr Cooper and me. Though he will be leaving us shortly, I believe. Should take about an hour each morning. Sundays off. Deal?

Deal.

How's the drink?

Very good. Perhaps, I'll be a professor.

It's a life worth the sacrifice. Yes. Worth the sacrifice. Yes.

I don't know what I would sacrifice.

Fate will pick out something, Hugo. It always finds something.

Oh, I got the reading from Mr Todson.

Yes, fate always finds something.

Chamber Duties

Professor Fitzgerald said not to knock on Dr Cooper's door.

Have you ever seen, Dr Cooper?

No, but Hornblower has.

Did you have tea with Fitzy, Hugo?

I had hot chocolate.

I had tea. It was awful. How'd you get hot chocolate?

I asked.

Mother would have told me to do that. She would have said 'Jerome, you need to speak up for yourself. Would your mother say that?

No. I speak up, usually.

Yes, I can tell. You asked for hot chocolate.

Well, let's get started. You first, Fortis.

Coop's sleeping soundly! I can hear him from the hall!

Open the window, Fortis. This place has old person stink.

My great-grandmother lived in a dark old cave that smelled like this.

Not much to do here. He seems to be very neat.

Mother would say he was well brought up. Old fashioned values.

Even Fitz says that Coop's ancient.

Fitzy is ancient, too!

Check the fridge. Fitz said Coop leaves milk in there for weeks.

Yep. Mother should see this. No, no, she shouldn't.

Do you always talk about your mother?

Only when I get nervous.

You aren't nervous in class. Or even around the Classmen.

I am prepared for class and unbelievably brave. I am shocked sometimes at my own bravery cause I'm chicken at heart.

Fortis, I think you are conflicted.

Mother said that. Oh, I...

Just take out the garbage. I'll get the laundry.

Dr Cooper sounds like he's snoring through a bullhorn, Hugo.

We should sit and wait for the place to air out a bit. Then do Fitz's place before he gets back from the ride.

Why does it take them an hour to coast four miles downhill?

They stop for coffee at Hamlet's Donut Cafe.

That's why they don't want us going with them. We'd spoil their morning coffee.

I would like to go on the ride, Fortis. The cabbie, Benson said it's downhill all the way.

Benson is a very weird man. I bet the body in his trunk is real.

You know him?

He was waiting for me. Hey boy, would you like some candy?

He offered candy?

No. But he gave me the creeps.

But you got in the cab?

Yeah, well it was a long way up the hill. Besides...he had candy.

Fortis, can you even figure yourself out?

Mother says I'm a like a ball of string.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

You never asked her?

Mother's explanations generally made things more confusing. She told me a story about birds and bees and I was hoping she'd tell me about Jackie.

Who's Jackie?

The girl next door. She had a nice bike.

We don't have bikes.

Some of the boys do. We could ask to borrow them.

Yeah. Perhaps we could ask for lunch money, too. And ice cream.

Perhaps we could go on a Saturday?

We probably couldn't borrow a bike then, Fortis.



A Plan

I've been thinking.

Good. About what?

About the fact we have no bikes.

It sounds like you wasted your time, Fortis. We already knew we don't have bikes.

Yes. But I think we could get some.

Borrow them from Coleman and Jack? Or Jackie, maybe?

Better. You know what would be more fun, Hugo?

What?

Stealing the profs' bikes and going at night.

Fortis, you are unbelievably brave. Or stupid.

It will be fun. I know how to do it.

One, the gates are locked. Two, the bike shed is locked. Three, the dorm is guarded by Classmen.

I've figured it out.

Okay but there's still Hornblower.

We'll invite him along, Hugo.

I don't think Hornblower wants to go bike riding with us.

The ride takes us right past Cathcart!

Mmmmm. That might interest him. What would your mother say about this?

Jerrrroooooommmmeeeee! Wait till your father gets home!

Let's get down to breakfast before Moose snorts through everything.

Cookie always saves us something, Hugo.

Yeah, whatever Moose doesn't want! I'm sure we had lawn thatch yesterday.


Dunny and Hugo

Hugo!

Dunny.

Don't call me that, chambermaid.

Hornblower calls you that.

Yeah, well you call me Sir Frank.

Sir Frank, short for Sir Frankfurter?

You twerp...

Any trouble here, Mr Dunlop? I was just looking for you.

No, Professor Allenby.

No, Professor Allenby, sir. Mr Dunlop.

Yes, sir, Professor Allenby.

Hugo?

No problem Dr Allenby, sir. Dunny and I were just discussing his C in
math, sir.

C? Dunlop, a C in my class?

That's what Dunny's aiming for now, sir.

Really, Dunlop?

Yes. Yes, sir.

Dunny knows he needs help and he came to me so as not to disappoint you, sir.

I've underestimated you...Dunny. You work with Hugo, here and I'll forestall this extra work and extra class. I'd rather be at the bowling green, too, on a Saturday.

I wish you never have to miss a game, Professor Allenby. Sir.

Do you think you can pound this into Dunny by mid-terms, Hugo?

I would enjoy pounding, Dr Allenby.

Very good, Hugo. Thank your stars that a man like Hugo is willing to help you, Dunny.

Yes, sir. I am very thankful. For your help, too, sir. Even though it didn't help. Sir. In the way you had hoped, sir.

Carry on. Dunny. Mr Hugo.

You little...

Careful. I'll squeal like a girl.

Now I have to work with you.

I saved your Saturday mornings, sneaking over to Cathcart.

Yeah. Yeah. Look keep this quiet, Hugo.

Sure, Dunny...Dunlop.

Hey, what do you do as the chamber maid...chamber boy?

Just tidy up. Not much to do at the Old Goat's. I think Allenby is doing most of it.

I heard he died and is just propped up in bed.

That's supposed to be a secret, Dunlop.

What? You jerk.

He's alive. He sleeps late and does papers in the afternoon.

What about Fitz's dump?

Just papers at Fitz's. A bag of laundry every week. He keeps everything neat. Squirrels away everything. He's got notes, and bills for everything he buys, everything he ever bought.

Mean old bastard. Pressing you to think it out gentlemen, Think it out! They sent me here to learn stuff. Not to hear 'think it out' every five seconds.

He's just particular.

Peculiar. Weirdly, peculiar.

He pays well and he always wants to chat. He's lonely.

Old queers. All of these bastards. He try anything fruity?

No. They're all weird but Fitz had a girlfriend. In ancient times.

It's all in his head. Who would be his girlfriend? Hunzilla!

He doesn't say. He calls her his sacrifice.

I knew it! He killed her!

Don't be stupid.

Right, she killed herself!

Metaphor, Dunlop.

I'm kidding. I'm not stupid just uninterested. This is the most uninteresting place my parents ever stuck me. Why are you here?

I'm an orphan.

Oh...

I poisoned my parents.

Metaphor, right. Right, Hugo? Metaphor?


The Road Ahead

What mischief is this?

Brake fade I suppose, Fitz.

Brain fade's more like it.

A barricade of posts is being put up next week, to stop this very thing.

Timing is everything, Barney. Any injuries?

The driver was very lucky not to be carved up like a Christmas goose.

They might do well to brick up that window!

Dash your brains out instead of slashing your throat. Not much of an improvement, Fitz.

Let's go. Only time for a quick coffee, this morning. Glorious day,
Barney.

Why were you held up today?

I stopped in to see the Old Goat.

How is he? I meant to look in but Allenby said he was sleeping.

Nodded off in mid-sentence nattering on about the board.

Coffee on you today, Fitz?

The Prize is in Sight

Good old Coop. Hardly anything to do here but open the window, Hugo.

Fortis, do you hear anything?

No. Should I?

Snoring?

No snoring. For the first time! Oh...

You better look, Fortis.

Why me?

You are unbelievably brave, remember?

Not when it comes to dead people.

We don't know he's dead.

But we think he is. Let's just air out the place and leave. Some one else will find him.

And if they don't. We'll find him again tomorrow and he will smell...worse than he does already.

You check him and I'll follow.

Maybe, I'll just call.

Good idea. Mother would say that was a good idea.

Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper, sir. Are you okay?

He's still asleep, see. Hugo. Let's take out the garbage and ask someone to look in on him.

That's a better idea. We'll ask Fitz.

Let's get out of here. This whole place is like a grave yard.

Spreading the News

Professor Fitzgerald! Professor!

Come in, Hugo, Fortis.

No, sir. You must come. It's Dr Cooper...he's...

..dead?

He sounds dead, sir.

Daydreams

Wonderful turnout for the Old Goat. I must get a comfy chair like this for my chambers.

Should I say esteemed colleagues?

Perhaps one for the study hall.

Or most esteemed?

The food was wonderful. The wine was wonderful. What are those wonderful bacon rolly things?

Most esteemed sounds a bit too much. Yet no one is likely to complain.

Rolly wonderful bacon things. My blessings, who was that woman who sang for the Old Goat?

On this esteemed occasion... too much esteem...

Wonderful voice. Wonderful hymn. Wonderfully short skirt, Fitz. For a funeral.

I'm trying to get just the right amount of esteem and humility. I thought I had this thing ready. I've been writing it for the last twenty years, Barney.

Wonderful funeral, though. You don't get a second chance with funerals. It's either wonderful and every one says, oh what a wonderful funeral. Why did he make us wait so long, it was so wonderful! Or it's disaster.

I'll sleep on it. Can't rush into things, unprepared.

I expect people would remember a disaster, too. But who wants to hear your funeral was not wonderful?

I expect notice about the headmastership, shortly.

Yes, it was, but she had wonderful legs. Fitz you should dust off that acceptance speech.

Yes, and sleep on it. What did Madame say about it all?

Oh, she thought it was wonderful. A bit aghast at how short that skirt was, though.

No, the headmastership.

That will be wonderful, too. Will we have the rolly bacony wonderful things, too? At your funeral... er... headmaster thing... and wine? Do you think that woman would sing at your headmastershipping?

Barney, what did Madame say about the Head Master's position?

She said soon it was all going to blow up. Big news, she said.

Big news. The board wants a little press. New Head Master takes over Old Ivy!

That's what Madame said. Big, big news.

She said big, big news?

Then she passed out. She's never done that before, Fitz.

Apocalypse

Fitz! Fitz, wait up. Fitz...Fitz...

Some trouble, Barney?

A...poca...lypse.

Apocalypse?

Worse. The board...

The board... go on.

The board is hiring... off campus!

For... head master?

Head... master.

I'll speak with Chairman Randolph.

Too late, Fitz. He's been hired.

The new Head Master? It can't be! Dr Cooper...

They wanted new blood, new ideas. Fitz, they are going to ruin Old Ivy.

Over my dead body, Barney. Who told you this?

Unimpeachable sources.

Madame?

Under the influence of Johnnie Walker.

The highest level.

Let's go to chambers, Fitz.

Fifty years, Barney. Fifty years to finish second.

The morning after

Fitz. You must get up. Be an example to young Hugo and Fortis, here. Fitz, come on.

I can't Barney. I just want to sleep, perchance to dream.

Fitz, there always a trial period.

Fifty years, Barney.

Headmaster Newcombe could fall flat on his face. Dr Cooper almost got the sack.

Madame told you that?

Todson. It's in the old board minutes. Apparently some of the older boys objected to Cooper because he was too young. Barely older than them.

The Old Goat? Was he ever young?

That's the spirit, Fitz.

But he kept the job. For 65 years!

But we might be able to make some... Hugo, you and Fortis, are excused today. Run along.

Is that okay, Professor Fitzgerald?

Yes, don't worry, Hugo. He'll be his old self, tomorrow.

You are wrong Barney. I won't be my old self. I will be my usual self.

God bless you. As I was saying, we might be able to rally the staff against Newcombe.

Yes, Barney, the intellectual cold-shoulder. A little elbow-sharp wit into the solar plexus.

Newcombe, you haven't thought that out, dear chap.

That's simply not how it is done, Newcombe.

Well, it might have been done that way in some public school, Newcombe! But not at Old Ivy.

He may quit in a week under such ridicule. Allenby and Sipes can ladle it out, too.

And Madame could lose his lecture notes, accidentally of course.

Accidentally, the only way, Barney.

I'd need a full bottle for that.

I'll buy a case of Johnny Walker for you to employ as you see fit, Professor Barnabus. I trust your intellectual judgement.

And we shall tell the lads that Newcombe is a terror for homework and four-hour exams.

I'll schedule a four-hour exam and blame him.

Me, too. This reminds me of my youth. I was in mischief most of the time. Exhilarating isn't it?

I suppose this is why young Hornblower always has a lighthearted demeanour.

Yes, I like the lad. Bloody awful student, though. He'll be a politician, no doubt.

Hardly fit for anything else. Operation... what should we call it?

Operation Exterminate!

Barney, that's a bit rough.

I thought you didn't want to finish second.

I don't. I won't. Operation Exterminate it is.

Good.

That little beggar infected me.

What little beggar?

In sixth grade. Bobby McKay. He came to my house a few days before the chess match to wish me good luck. Oh, my mother was so taken with the little bastard. Him sniffling the whole time.

Does it actually work that way, Fitz?

For little bastards like Bobby McKay it always does. They are tools of fate, Barney. They're McDuffs, every last one of those bastards.

I think you are finding the spirit now, Fitz.

You know what I did at next year's match?

Tell me, dear Fitz.

I pretended to be violently ill and I visited him to wish him luck!

He knew the jig was up, Fitz!

Yes, and I beat him in twelve moves. Just twelve moves. He had never been beaten so roundly before. Crushed him. Second place, uh!

It's time for a drink, Fitz.

Yes, a drink. I'm tired of packing my bed like a traveller's suitcase, every morning. I want the headmaster's suite.

You should have let the boys tidy up a bit, Fitz.

Dr Newcombe meet Bobby McKay.

Are you okay, Fitz?

Back to my usual self, Barney!

The Great Caper

Hey, Nubs front and centre. Fortis has a scheme. Okay, Fortis, explain it.

Friday is the welcoming party for the new headmaster.

A piss up for the headmaster! Who cares?

That's even better for us, Buchan.

Why do we care? We're still incarcerated.

All the profs will be there. So will all the Cathcart profs.

We know all this, Fortis. Why do we care a snap?

We are going to steal the profs' bikes and ride over to Cathcart.

It would be easier to take student bikes.

This is supposed to be an adventure, Coleman.

Okay, but how do we break into get the bikes.

And break through the gates?

The gates will be open for the visitors.

That still leaves the bike shed. It's locked right after the morning rides, Fortis.

Yep but who is in charge of the key?

I dunno, one of us takes it to Coach.

We won't give him the key.

And when he finds us, we'll be running laps for a month.

No, we don't take him the real key. Just a key that looks like it.

Brilliant, Fortis.

Now all we have to do is slip by the Class men guard on our door.

Class man guard. Class men are invited to the party. One of them gets left behind.

Who?

Who would be left behind? Come on think about it!

Moose!

Yeah, Marshall would be tricked or talked into it.

How do we get past him?

Hornblower told you first time we saw him, Dunlop.

Speak softly and carry a big bag of candy.

This is where Lang comes in.

Me, how?

You are going to catch cold on Monday.

Why?

You are going to get a little cold medicine.

I don't like cold medicine.

You aren't going to take it.

Well, why can't someone else not take it?

Because you are the biggest. Coach is going to give you the biggest dose.

You're gonna drug, Marshall? Fortis, you are a criminal genius!

Not completely drug him. I'm going to borrow some brandy from the staff room.

Marshall doesn't drink.

Yeah, I know but he will eat some brandy-cold medicine soaked candy.

How are you going to get into the staff room?

Us chamber boys are going to walk right in.

Not grammatical and not traditional! Chamber boys can't go into the staff room.

Right, but we're just Nubs and we plead innocence.

This is crazy, Fortis.

You don't have to come.

Oh, no, I'm not missing this.

Hornblower, you will to sneak over to Cathcart tomorrow to set things up with the girls.

Girls?

Yes, girls, Martin.

I wanna meet the girls. How do you get them out?

Yeah, Fortis. How do I get the girls out?

I was hoping you had an idea, Hornblower.

I knew this sounded too good. Fortis, you're no genius.

I got carried away. Mother always said I got carried away.

What if we had a diversion?

We could pull the fire alarms!

Nice one, Jack. Then the Cathcart profs come back and lock the place down and we'd get caught barehanded.

Ouilette, now you're the genius.

Thanks, Hornblower. How? What did I say?

Never mind. But I think I can guarantee that the entire first class of Cathcart will be out to see us.

I'm going wear my leather jacket.

Don't worry about what to wear, Martin.

How many girls? One for each of us?

More than that, at least fifteen of them.

Heroes

Fortis, why are you late?

Sorry Professor, I was doing an extra job.

Extra job?

Part of my chamber boy duties, sir.

Well, we need not go into particulars, Fortis.

No, sir.

As I was saying, gentlemen...

Did you get it?

The place was empty. Not even Mr Grammatika was there.

You sound disappointed.

Well, this is supposed to be an adventure.

Where's the...?

In my satchel.

Fortis...what if a Classman does a search?

Oh...

Mr Hugo, any ideas?

About?

About the lesson, Hugo.

I think Lermontov glamorizes suicide.

Go on, Hugo.

He introduces Russian roulette. He could have used poison.

Not heroic, poison, though.

Suiciders aren't heroic.

None of them?

None that I know of, sir.

Dunny, do you agree?

Yes, sir.

Go on, Dunny.

If you I had known I had to go on I would have disagreed.

Gentlemen, you sound like howler monkeys. Now Dunny, any opinion you hold should be supported by reason.

Think, think, think!

Good anticipation, Coleman.

If you think, think, think, you can't commit suicide.

Why, Dunny?

Because suicide ain't rational.

Poor grammar but sound thinking, Dunny.

Do you agree, Hugo?

Suiciders are irresponsible, sir. And ungrateful.

Do any of you hold that suicide is romantic?

Nothing romantic about someone's brains messing up the wall.

You have a very vivid imagination, Hugo.

Yes, sir.

Martin? Any thoughts.

I thought Russian roulette sounded exciting. As long as the gun doesn't go off.

But it does go off, Martin.

Yes, Buchan, I know, but it would be scary fun hearing the gun go click.

You never hear it go bang!

Good point, Hornblower.

Now, Martin, you will not be playing Russian roulette. Correct?

Oh no, sir. That would be crazy.

Soiree

Professor Allenby, Dr Borlasse, Coach Major.

Hello, Fitz. I thought you might skip this little coronation.

No, Coach. I have accepted the will of the board.

Tough luck, Fitz.

It wasn't in the cards... chemicals, Borly.

Ah, here comes our honored guest.

Gentlemen, this is a wonderful welcome.

Dr Newcombe, we are, all of us, very happy to serve you.

Professor Fitzgerald, I want you to meet someone.

I'd be delighted, Dr Newcombe.

Paul, please.

I'm happy to be called Fitz.

Fitz, I want you to meet my son.

Son?

Yes, My wife's here,too.

You're married?

Professor Elihu Fitzgerald meet my son Professor Elihu Newcombe.

Elihu?

Don't meet many, do you?

Never.

I've read most of your articles, professor. You are one of the reasons I chose literature as my field.

I...

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

I am flattered, Professor Newcombe.

Oh, here's my wife.

Darling, this is...

Fitz. Professor Fitzgerald.

You've met?

Uh... only in books, dear.

Fitz, this is my wife, Muriel.

Could I sit down a moment?

You've gone white, Professor Fitzgerald. Here, get off your feet for a minute.

Thanks, son. I guess my routine has been... disrupted.

Would you like a drink, professor?

Muriel, please bring... Where did your mother go? I'll get you a scotch.

No. Thanks, doctor. I need some air, I think.

I will escort you to chambers, Professor Fitzgerald.

No, please, Elihu, stay and enjoy the night. I will be fine. I just need some air and to find my... equilibrium, that's all.

The Descent

Fitz, are you leaving?

No, Barney, I just need some air. If you'd just steady me down the stairs.

You're pale. I can see that even in this light. Perhaps you should see Coach?

No, really Barney. I'm fine. Go in. Brandy is flowing like the waters of Avon.

Oh well then, if you are sure.

I'll come back in an hour, I'm sure. Thanks, Barney.

Take care, old friend. My blessing, I can smell the brandy from here.

Meeting

Fitz, I have only a few minutes. Paul will be looking for me.

Why didn't you tell me, Muriel?

I tried. You chose... all of this.

And you chose... him.

Not many men would have taken on...

Elihu is...

Yes. I must go, Fitz.

Why did you come here? To Ivy?

I didn't think you would still be here. I didn't see your name until Paul showed me the guest list. I must go. If only... dear Fitz.

Scream

Whisper! If we get caught now, we'll swing the same as if we'd pulled this off.

Do you think we should have some one watch Moose? He inhaled those candies.

He was snoring like the Old Goat.

Yeah, the Old Goat died.

Marshall's okay. He was still muttering in his sleep.

And you're doctor now, Adams?

No, but my old man is. Passed out drunks don't mutter. Only sleeping ones.

Listen up, Nubs. One at a time follow me. Stay in the bushes until you get to the shed. Got it?

I got it, Hornblower.

Fortis, get down.

What?

I think it's Fitz.

He looks drunk already.

He coming back to his chambers, Fortis.

I think he's sick. I think he's crying, Hugo.

He's sort of laughing.

Too much brandy. Sit tight.

Hugo, I'm starting to get nervous.

We have to make sure Fitz doesn't come back out and see us crossing to the shed.

Oh...Mother...

Hush, Fortis. Fitz might hear you.

Holy Snap! What was that!

Sounded like someone being murdered.

Perhaps someone found Moose . Dead. Oh Mother said I got carried away.

Shut up, Fortis. That noise came from Fitz or Coop's place.

Well, it wasn't Coop.

Maybe the new guy found a rat or something. Move, move and stay low.

Holy Snap!

Just the chimes, Fortis.

Move. Move!

Over here, Hugo.

Everyone here? Martin you got a count?

All twelve here, Hornblower.

Okay, Ouilette unlock the shed. In thirty seconds the rest of us get in. Grab the first bike you can and get out.

Yes, Hornblower, sir.

We meet on the other side of the shed and wheel the bikes to the Eidolon Road. Coast to the first turn off and wait until I get there.

Okay, Hornblower.

Ready for some adventure?

I'm ready to see some girls!

And they are ready to see you, Martin!

The Long Glide

Hugo, we're going twenty-eight miles an hour!

How'd know that?

This bike's got a speedo!

We better slow down, here's our meeting place.

Dunny, over here.

Hey, we are exactly zero point four miles from Ivy.

Why'd you take Allenby's bike?

You said to take the first bike, Hornblower.

Now he'll know his bike was taken.

Who cares? This won't stay secret.

All right, what's the plan, Hornblower?

We're gonna moon the girls.

What?

We're gonna ride-by Cathcart sans-pantaloons, as Monsieur LeMoyne would say.

This was Ouilette's plan?

I didn't plan this. But I am starting to like the idea!

Who's in? Hugo, Lang, Adams, Martin, Jack?

Yeah, let's go, we're all in. Where do we strip?

After we make the turn at the library, there's a little cul-du-sac. Be there. Then it's about a quarter mile to Cathcart.

Let's go. I'm stripping completely.

Fortis, are you crazy? One minute you're whining for your Mother, now you're a maniac!

Well, I'm going full starkers now from here! Who's man enough to join me?

If Fortis goes, I go.

I'll go with you, Dunny.

Me, too. You in, Hugo?

All right.

Lang?

Yeah. Let's make it unanimous.

Okay, guys?

Whoop! Whoop! Strip down!

Hugo, I think Mother...

...no talk about your mother, Fortis. This is your idea. Start stripping.

Why'd we choose a frosty night?

The girls won't see that well!

Let's go. Man, if we don't get stopped by cops first, this will be fun.

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The Show at Cathcart

I'm freezing and I've lost my socks, Hugo.

Mmmmeee toooo.

You lost your socks?

Nnnnoooo, I'mmmmm freeeeezzzinggg.

Oh Mother...the girls are there. Look there's a hundred of them!

Too late to sttttopppp now. Peddle like hell, Fortis!

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hugo!

What?

I'm getting....jazzed up.

Me, too.

This is great!

You are a genius, Fortis.

The Plant

Fortis, I left my belt in the shed.

We can't go back, Hugo. People are starting to leave the Great Hall.

I can't let some one find it tomorrow. They'd know something went on.

They probably already do.

I'm going. Give me the key.

It's in the pot by the shed door.

What pot?

The plant pot.

Why'd you leave it there?

I didn't want to get caught with it.

I'll see you in about ten minutes. Make it look like I'm in bed, in case Moose looks in.

If he's alive, he'll still be sleeping.

Haha.

Leave the key there, Hugo. Hugo...

Hush up...

Ill Wind

Did you enjoy the fancy ball, Professor Fitzgerald?

Not particularly, Hornblower.

Sorry, sir. I know you had your heart set on it.

It?

The head master's job, sir.

Yes, Hornblower. But we must deal with disappointment in our lives.

I dealt with it when you wrote my last report. But my disappoint was different, sir.

How so, Hornblower?

I deserved it, sir.

Thank you, Mr Hornblower. Gentlemen, I have learned that several bicycles were borrowed from the shed on Friday night. Professor Allenby reports that his bike was ridden 4.45 miles.

Very precise, sir.

Mathematicians are that way, Coleman. The bicycle incident though is secondary.

To the news from Cathcart?

No, Fortis. Jazzed up lads have been pulling stunts like this since Adam.

It wasn't just me!

Not you Adams, Adam, the first man. Adam and Eve.

Oh.

One of the Classmen was slipped a Mickey Finn.

Mickey Finn, sir?

Drugged. Mr Marshall was drugged. I'm not going to ask by whom or how it was done. But we must have an understanding, gentlemen. This will never be done again.

Never again, sir.

What do you suggest as an appropriate penalty, Mr Hornblower?

I think Coach is giving us a hundred laps.

The usual.

Perhaps assign a few of the Bard's plays?

That's not punishment, Hornblower. Why don't I just throw in drinks and cigars?

I'm at loss, sir.

Maybe, I will leave it all to Coach.

Thank you, sir!

I expect Allenby will assign some quadratics or some such creation.

Professor Allenby does not have much of the milk of human kindness in him, sir.

Close Shave

Bathroom light burned out. I wonder if I could finish shaving here, Dr Newcombe, ah Paul?

Certainly. Can't have a staff death on my hands, so soon into my tenure.

Old Ivy Professor Dies from Slashed Throat. Not good press, Paul.

That's why I use an electric. Go ahead. I expect you know the lay of the land.

Come in, door's open!

Good morning, Dr Newcombe.

Oh Johnny, good to see you. Where's Jerome?

He's cleaning up Professor Fitzgerald's place.

Some tidying up to do, I'm afraid, Johnny.

Mrs Newcombe still not back yet?

Muriel will be staying with Elihu a few more days. Apparently.

So you will be eating in the cafeteria again, Dr Newcombe?

Yes, Johnny. Again.

I'll save you a spot.

I didn't think I would be eating in the cafeteria quite so often when I made that 'first come, first served' rule. Perhaps, Fitz is right about tradition.

Did I hear my name? Hello, Hugo.

Good... good morning, professor.

That was quick, Fitz.

When a man finds his resolve, he gets right to the task at hand.

I'm going to replace the standard issue light bulb, Fitz. Damn tradition!

Most of us buy our own. Standard issue is too dim.

I better get to my task, Dr Newcombe..

Oh, it's time for the ride. Those vitamins are just the thing. Positively energizing, Fitz.

I feel better just knowing you are taking them.

I'll just take a few now and meet you outside.

I wouldn't miss it, Paul.

See you later, Hugo.

Leaving now, Paul.

Drat!

Something wrong, Dr Newcombe?

Just this little gizmo. Sort of flew apart. Clear a spot, Hugo.
Red, blue, red, blue.

Here's another red one, sir.

Good. Everything seems in order. Now, turn to Monday and like magic I have the right combination of vitamins and whatever else is in this.

You don't know?

Something Fitz takes. He a positive whirling dervish on his bike.

Professor Fitzgerald?

Yes. Absolutely possessed with energy.

The boys say only Dr Cooper was slower.

Oh, I think someone is pulling your leg, Johnny. Fitz is absolutely possessed with energy.

Have a nice time biking, Dr Newcombe.

Always!

Apparition

Arthur, where's Fitz this morning?

Not sure, I thought he left early, Paul.

No, his bike was at the shed. Think he will show up?

Oh, yes, Tuesday is Boston creme donut day at Hamlet's.

Fitz indulges, does he?

It's his only vice, Paul.

Cigars and brandy, don't count?

Not here, Paul.

And your indulgence, Arthur?

Study hall.

You enjoy study hall?

Yes, Paul.

No more dreams, Arthur?

Lots of them but none to be realized, I'm afraid.

I think that's Fitz coming now.

My blessings, he is a whirling dervish.

He's flying, Arthur!

Slow down, Fitz!

He's dangerous, Arthur.

My blessings, he isn't going to stop. Fitz! Fitz!

Call emergency. Someone call emergency.

Wake

What was he thinking?

Brain fade.

Bizarre accident, Arthur. Fitz looked as though he saw a ghost!

Had he been cycling at his normal speed, he would never have made it over the curb.

Must have been those vitamins.

Vitamins?

Fitz absolutely swore by them. Vitamins and some pick-me-up capsule.

Never knew he took them.

They've done me a ton of good. I tried to get Muriel to take them.

How is she?

First the move, then this and she was already feeling a little unlike herself. Started the night of the soirée. She's lying down now.

How are you, Johnny? Fitz took a shine to you. Where's Jerome?

I'll be okay, thanks Dr Newcombe. Jerome felt ill.

Too much stimulation got his heart up, I'll bet, Hugo.

I suppose we won't be needed here anymore.

Both of you can spend the extra time on my place, Johnny.

Perhaps, I could have Fitz's chambers, Paul. They're bigger than mine.

Really, Professor Barnabus?

Yes, of course, Arthur. Once we sort out... whatever needs to be sorted. Frankly, I've never dealt with this kind of thing.

None of us have. Usually, we die in our sleep. Except Chatsworth.

Chatsworth? What happened to him?

The story goes that Chats returned from Vimy with a grenade and blew himself to smithereens. In this room, I believe. Before my time, of course.

Professor Fitzgerald wouldn't commit suicide.

I believe you are right, Hugo.

My God. Do you suppose he overdosed on the vitamins?

I've never seen vitamins here, Dr Newcombe.

Me neither.

Strange, he told me he was positively sold on them.

He sold me on Melville, too, but Fitz never read him. Fitz was an eccentric. Even on the hottest June days, he lectured in cap and gown.

So the vitamins couldn't have been the problem? Good. I'm sold on them.

Who'll teach World Lit?

Oh my! I guess that will be me.

Too bad your son is already working.

Johnny, you are inspired. That's it. Elihu is the perfect choice to take Fitz's place.

They have the same first name. The same odd, sorry, unusual first name.

No worries, Johnny. I thought the name was odd, too. Muriel insisted on it. It came to her in a dream, she said. Romantic nonsense. You know how women are.

No.

No.

Strange, even a vague physical resemblance. Fitz was never in...

...never been anywhere. Came here when he was Hugo's age. And stayed. Doesn't even leave at end of term.

Good. Good.

That's who young Newcombe reminds me of! Young Fitz. Well, naps all round?

Yes. And perhaps a pick-me-up. Fitz never left campus?

Only for cycling and our annual outing to Cathcart.

I must go. I have reading to do. I got the syllabus from Mr Todson yesterday.

Good lad.

Do you want me tomorrow morning, Dr Newcombe?

I'll leave the door unlocked.

Mrs Newcombe is leaving again?

I expect so. Save me a seat for breakfast, Johnny.

Yes, sir. Good-bye Professor Barnabus, Dr Newcombe.

Nice lad.

Hope we don't ruin him.

The Right Chamber

Get the garbage, Fortis.

I'll straighten the front room. Dr Newcombe, should I straighten your papers? Dr Newcombe.

Probably sleeping late, Hugo.

Dr Newcombe. Fortis! Dr Newcombe is...

Dead?

Not again!


News for Barney

What about Dr Newcombe?

He's dead.

Not again!

I don't think he ever died before, Professor Barnabus.

Very droll, Hugo. Call the authorities-- again-- while I make myself presentable.

You're sure he's dead, Fortis, not just hanging on?

Rigor mortis.

Definitely beyond any mortal help then.

Way beyond.

Suspicion

I shouldn't wonder if your parents order you back home, Hugo.

Most of us are here...

Still that way, uh? I thought most modern parents were all squishy.

Most are, Professor Barnabus.

What's on your mind, Hugo? Difficulties with the Russian authors?

No, sir.

Boys not bothering you are they? That Dunlop is full of himself.

No. No, everything is fine.

But?

I've been thinking about things.

Fitz and Newcombe?

Dr Newcombe, actually. I haven't sorted out the facts for Professor Fitzgerald, yet.

What have you thought?

Dr Newcombe was murdered!

No, can't be. Medics said he had a dicky ticker.

Poison.

How?

The vitamins.

The detective took the pills. Just vitamins and ginseng. Sorry, Holmes, you've deduced a cipher.

The pills were just vitamins?

And a harmless ginseng concoction. I have it from an unimpeachable source.

I glad.

Because, if the vitamins were the cause of Newcombe's death, Fitz would be a prime suspect.

Yes. Only I can't figure out why Professor Fitzgerald died.

Besides being sliced like a cucumber?

I know that part. But why did he shoot through the stop sign?

Brain fade, as Fitz would say.

Why do brains fade?

Alcohol, drugs, emotion, distraction...

...distraction. He was distracted.

He never missed the Boston creme at Hamlet's. Every Tuesday. He was hurrying to catch up and...

..distraction.

But that raises the question why? He was getting over his disappointment of the headmastership.

Like he got over the disappointment of losing at chess 50 years ago? Sir.

Perceptive, young Hugo, perceptive. But Fitz was a quiet man. A reader. He didn't even write a lot anymore.

But he had been active. Years ago. Varsity rowing team.

That's years ago, Hugo.

He saw something which scared him.

Newcombe said Fitz looked as if he saw a ghost. So that doesn't help.

Unless he saw a ghost.

Supernatural goings on at Old Ivy! I don't think so, Hugo.

Neither do I, Dr Barnabus.


Rosencrantz and Jerome

Hugo, Hugo!

Fortis? I thought you weren't coming back.

This place grows on me. Like a wart. I was worried about you.

Like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Yes, I guess I can worry enough for two people.

I've been mulling this ghost thing over and over.

Ghosts don't really exist, Hugo.

Mmmmm.

They don't, do they? Hugo?

No, they don't, Fortis! You are a genius!

Mother told me I might not get back in time. You've gone crazy!

The Ghost

Are you busy, Professor Barnabus?

Honestly, Hugo, I became a professor in order not to be busy.

I think Professor Fitzgerald saw someone who was supposed to be a ghost.

Carry on.

Dr Newcombe was supposed to die.

So Fitz could take his place.

No. Revenge.

Yes. For fifty years of work gone to Hell.

Yes.

But Fitz died first.

He thought he poisoned Dr Newcombe and he hadn't.

Hugo, this is dangerous talk.

Yes, sir.

Could ruin the school, Hugo.

Yes, sir.

You are a Haller?

Don't Hallers love the truth?

We're supposed to.

Do you think Professor Fitzgerald could...

Fitz did not like to finish second. You heard the chess story.

But a lot of people are like that. Dunny, for instance.

You don't want Fitz to be guilty, do you?

No, sir.

I know Fitz was very disappointed. He worked for that job since he was twenty-five maybe younger. But...

It's a big step.

Big step?

From disappointment to suicide.

Suicide?

I mean murder. Disappointment to murder.

Yes. Very astute, Hugo.

Do you think Dr Newcombe could have been poisoned at the welcoming party?

No, why even suggest that, Hugo?

Well, Dr Newcombe said his wife got sick that night.

And Fitz did, too.

He did?

Yes, he wasn't there a half hour. I was just entering the Great Hall and he was leaving.

I saw him leave.

You did?

Fortis and I were sneaking over to the bike shed. We saw Professor Fitzgerald and jumped into the bushes to hide from him.

Fitz never came back. And the brandy was indeed flowing like the waters of Avon.

Just before the half-seven chimes, I heard a scream or wail.

From where?

Either here, or Dr Newcombe's chamber.

The Newcombes were all in the Great Hall, Hugo.

Detection

You there. What are doing up here?

I'm the chamber boy. I tidy up the rooms.

Are there other chamber boys?

There was another boy but he went home. Shouldn't you ask my name?

What's your name?

Hugo, Jonathan.

Well, Mr Jonathan.

My name's Jonathan Hugo.

You said Hugo Jonathon.

Last name first, first name last. It's tradition here, sir. What's your name?

Stick. Richard. Detective.

Call me Hugo, Detective Stick

You come here every day, Hugo?

Every day to Professor Fitzgerald's chambers. If Mrs Newcombe was away, I tidied up Dr Newcombe's chambers.

Is Mrs Newcombe away a lot?

They only arrived two weeks ago and I've only seen her once.

Who was here before?

Dr Cooper. He died.

When?

Three weeks ago. He died in his bed.

You found him?

Yes, sir.

Professor Fitzgerald, did you find him, too?

No. He died in town. Didn't you read the newspaper?

I just started this job. How did Fitzgerald die?

He rode his bike through the library window.

Yes, I read that. He missed the traffic deflection device.

He almost hit one of the posts.

Almost counts for nothing. And... Newcombe?

He had a heart attack.

Said who?

The emergency people.

And Cooper?

He was ninety.

I don't know why the desk sent me here. Accident, heart attack and old age. Co-incidences.

Except, that Dr Newcombe said that Professor Fitzgerald looked as though he had seen a ghost just before he crashed.

He runs a stop sign. Last second, his brain kicks in. I'd go white, too.

He didn't say 'go white', he said 'saw a ghost'.

Artsy types. They flower everything up. Okay, nothing to detect here. Thank you, Mr Hugo.

May I have your card?

Card? Oh yes. No. I don't have a card yet.

Should I just call the department and ask for you?

Why would you be calling? I don't tutor algebra.

In case I find something.

About? This? There's nothing here. Three completely co-incidental deaths. Now run along and do your chamber boy stuff.

Yes, sir.

Adding up

Detective Stick?

Yeah. Who this?

Jonathon Hugo.

Jonathon Hugo? Oh, chamber boy.

Yes, sir. I found something.

Look, John... Hugo, there's no crime.

I found a red pill in Dr Newcombe's garbage.

And?

Well, the dispenser had eight pills left. We assume Dr Newcombe took the other six.

Yeah. Two each day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

The report said there were thirty-six pills still in the bottle, which originally held fifty pills.

Fourteen plus thirty-six is fifty.

Plus the one that I found in the garbage makes fifty-one.

Fifty, fifty-one, so what?

I'm not sure.

Maybe he dropped it and threw in the garbage. Artsy people are finicky as cats. We tested all the pills. Dispenser and the bottles.

Well, not all the pills.

Okay, not the one you found.

Or the ones Dr Newcombe took.

I gotta get back to work, Hugo. Leave this alone, okay kid?

You would want to hear about evidence, right, Detective Stick?

Evidence, yes but there isn't any.

Photographic Memories

Hello, Hugo. You are turning into my best customer.

Good morning, Dr Todson. Can I see the stuff from Professor Fitzgerald's room?

Again? You've gone through the papers. I'm not sure where his other stuff went.

Nothing else?

I've been through the papers, too. Just literary criticism. Books are just what you'd expect for a professor of English. Nice collection of Shakespeare. Russian authors. Old year books.

Year books?

Ivy Hall volumes from the last fifty years.

Oh.

I found Fitz's university year book.

Can I see that?

Sure. Is it important?

Not sure.

Here it is. That's Fitz. Handsome devil, wasn't he?

Was he a member of any clubs?

There's a directory.

Chess. Yes, there he is. And chemistry. What is a chemistry club? Why would he be a member of that?

Judging from the photo to meet pretty girls.

Odd.

Fitz was odd. He was on the rowing team, too. Varsity. Look.

He was very lean in those days.

A different man entirely, Hugo. That's 40 years ago.

Dr Todson!

What, Hugo?

Who is that?

A very pretty woman. Let's see Muriel Young, secretary of the chemistry club. That's why Fitz joined, I'd say, pretty girls.

Does she remind you of Muriel Newcombe?

Hugo, I think you're right.

He never let on.

Neither did she. Awkward, of course. It was a long time ago.

Did you meet, Elihu Newcombe, Dr Todson?

Yes, at the welcoming party, briefly.

Do you think he looks like Professor Fitzgerald's picture?

I'd say...yes. Hugo, this is dangerous stuff.

The truth is always dangerous.


The chamber was spun

Detective Stick, it's Hugo. Professor Fitzgerald and Muriel Newcombe knew each other.

Why does that matter?

They said they didn't know each other.

Why'd they do that?

They were lovers. And Dr Newcombe's son looks like a young Professor Fitzgerald.

Not evidence but interesting. I interviewed Mrs Newcombe. At her son's home, actually. If it's murder, I'd say she didn't do it.

Mmmm. That only leaves Professor Fitzgerald.

And he was killed three days before Newcombe died. Mrs Newcombe was sedated after Fitz's funeral. And was under custodial care even at the funeral of her husband. She couldn't have done it. You need a living suspect or at least one living at the time of the alleged murder, Mr Hugo.

No more suspects.

.. or a time bomb. You need to do more thinking, Hugo.

Purchase Receipt

Hello, boys. Hugo, I found a box containing Fitz's receipts. They go back to his first days here. And a box with his kettle, tea cup, and so on.

Thanks for looking, Dr Todson.

Have fun. I've some articling to do. He roped you in, too, Fortis?

Mother says I'm naturally curious.

Perhaps we can find the missing piece.

Why would anyone keep a receipt for poison, Hugo?

Fortis, why would anyone keep receipts for 50 years?

Good point, Hugo.

We should start most recent and work back, right?

Unless Fitz poisoned others in the past!

That's a thought.

Come on, Fortis. Sort through that.

He doesn't really buy a lot. Tea, coco, biscuits, a few cigars, books mostly.

A tire replacement. He must have a fortune in the bank. He hardly spends anything. Ah, new shoes, last year.

Let's look further back.

I'm going to get a drink from Cookie. You want one?

We can't drink here.

After that bike ride, we can do anything, Hugo!

Bring a chocolate bar, too, then.

Later

Chocolate milk and chocolate bars!

What kept you? You've been gone nearly two hours.

Oh, Washer wanted to know all the details about the ride.

Washer?

The guy with the funny eyes. He washes the dishes.

His name's Washer?

No! Any progress, Hugo?

Nothing. Fitz lead a very cheap life.

Are you done?

Got one more packet to look at but the receipts were a dud.

Where did Cookie hide these chocolate bars?

Staff use only!

Fortis, you are becoming a criminal mastermind. Did you kill Dr Newcombe?

No, I liked him. Allenby tempts me though.

Fortis, I've found something!

What? What?

Look!

I'm looking. What am I looking at?

The Last Will and Testament of Elihu Kilkenny Fitzgerald.

Kilkenny? As if 'Elihu' wasn't odd enough!

Listen to this! I, Elihu...

Yeah skip that. Get to the good stuff.

Do hereby leave my entire estate to Elihu Newcombe.

Why? This makes no sense.

But it does, Fortis. Elihu Newcombe is Fitz's son. And this will is dated the day after the welcoming party.

Then Fitz committed suicide?

No. I still think his death is accidental. But I'm sure now he poisoned
Dr Newcombe.

But you can't prove it.

Right.

Stick will be interested in the will, though.

Perhaps. He seemed a little more interested that last time I spoke with him.

What did he say?

I needed a new suspect.

Who?

I suppose Allenby.

Let's pin it on him!

Stick said I needed a new suspect or a time bomb.

The pill dispenser is the time bomb, Hugo.

Yes! And it didn't go off on time. Why?

Fitz put the pill in the wrong chamber.

No. Dr Newcombe did.

Newcombe committed suicide?

No. The day Fitz came over to shave, Newcombe had a problem with the dispenser. It came apart and spilled out the pills.

And he put it together and mixed up the poison pill.

Yeah.

Did Fitz know the dispenser came apart?

He wasn't there when it happened. He'd already left Dr Newcombe's place.

So Fitz is late Tuesday on the ride. And is racing to catch up. Why was he late?

I don't know.

To see Mrs Newcombe.

No, that would place him at the scene of the crime. His best alibi would have been to leave with the others.

Maybe it was suicide. Maybe he had to make it look like an accident to collect insurance. I saw that on TV once.

He was only a few minutes late.

Perhaps he couldn't find his shoes. He looked drunk when we saw him.

When was the will dated?

The day he died.

That's it. He pulled it out of his desk and wrote in the part about Elihu Newcombe.

Why? If he wasn't suicidal, he didn't need to do that. He could have waited.

And Fitz thinking...

Newcombe has taken the pill on Tuesday...

...thinks he sees a ghost and barrels into the library window.

Holy Snapperoo!

Then Newcombe takes the poison four days later.

But we can't prove the poison pill existed, Hugo.

There must be a clue in Fitz's stuff.

You've looked through all of it.

Yeah. Let's take the will to Dr Todson.

Hey, it was fun. I suppose we have to get back to normal now.

Do you think Young Newcombe will get hired?

I don't know. But Old Barney thinks Allenby will be the new head master!

Two hours of calculus nightly!

All we need is another poisoned pill. We know how to pull it off!

Fortis, I think your mother needs to have a long talk with you.

Call
Hugo? It's Detective Stick.

I didn't expect you to call. Mr Grammatika excused me from class.

Not quite tradition, I suppose?

No.

Listen, thanks for finding the will. It clears up a few things.

You're welcome, Detective.

Anything else?

No, the receipts were old and ordinary.

No arsenic or plutonium pills?

No, sir.

Drop by sometime and I'll show you around. You got a good head for
forensics.

I would like that! Oh, I did find the time bomb you mentioned.

Time bomb?

You said I needed a new suspect or a time bomb.

Oh yeah. So?

The poison was in the pill dispenser.

If there was a poison.

Okay. But Fitz acted like he saw a ghost because Dr Newcombe was
supposed to have taken the poison on Tuesday.

Why didn't he?

Because the dispenser came apart.

And Newcombe scrambled the order!

Yep.

The Chief won't order an autopsy unless I find a poison.

There was nothing in the dispenser?

Nothing. Clean as a whistle. Except for trace nicotine.

I don't think Dr Newcombe smoked. Fitz did.

I think there was trace nicotine in the trash from Newcombe's bathroom, too.

Fitz was in the bathroom just before the dispenser came apart.

How do you know this, Hugo?

I was there to tidy up. Fitz said his light bulb burned out and he came over to shave. Only, he didn't stay long enough to shave.

Long enough to replace a pill?

Probably.

Did Fitz smoke a lot?

I never saw him smoke. But he made a few references to cigars in class. The staff room always smelled of cigars.

Here's the report. Yep, trace nicotine and shaving soap in trash. Trace nicotine. Oh, and trace shaving soap on the dispenser.

Trash Thinking

Fortis, did you take a light bulb out in Fitz's trash?

I don't know. I never looked. Why?

Fitz said the light burned out that day he shaved at Newcombe's.

Yeah.

And it was working the day of the wake.

Our fearless janitor, Brooms, must have replaced it.

Fitz liked a brighter light than the ones Brooms used. I heard him say that most of the profs buy their own.

If he replaced it...

...he has the receipt!

Back to the library, Hugo. Old Todson will be tired of seeing us soon.

Library Replay

Did you find a receipt?

Yeah. Look.

So he wasn't lying about the burned out bulb?

Back to square one.

Maybe not. This receipt is a few months old.

He might have bought a few bulbs and just used the last one.

Yeah. Okay. That's it. Nothing more to look at.

There's his kitchen stuff.

What kitchen?

You know his kettle, cup. The stuff he hid in his room.

Here it is. Yep kettle, cup, culture dish, coco, tea...

What?

Tea.

Before that.

Ummmm coco.

No, culture dish.

Yeah, culture dish. Ouch.

What?

Nicked my finger on his cheese slicer.

You didn't say he had a cheese slicer.

I'm telling you now. He had a cheese slicer. A sharp one.

Why would Fitz have a culture dish?

It got some sticky stuff in it and it smells like an ashtray.

Ashtray. Nothing else?

No, unless the tea bags or coco is poison. This is the end of the road for Fortis and Hugo, homicide detection!

Fitz's place never smelled of cigars.

So?

So, why would he need an ashtray?

I didn't say it was an ashtray. I said, it smells like an ashtray.

If it smells like an ashtray it is an ashtray.

Hugo, why would he make an ashtray out of a culture dish? They are too small to hold a cigar.

A culture dish is used for experiments. And Fitz was experimenting with...

Tobacco.

To prove what?

That tobacco really does cause lung cancer. I don't know.

Fortis, your finger is turning red.

Oh... it's turning black too!

That's the crud from the culture dish.

Are you allergic to anything, Fortis?

No. I don't feel too good. I feel clammy, Hugo.

Be brave. Dr Todson! Dr Todson!

Did you find the receipt, boys?

No, Dr Todson. I think Fortis needs medical attention.

I call Coach Major.

We need a doctor!

Coach is a doctor, a physician.

I wondered why he gave out pills.

Diagnosis

What is this black stuff, Hugo?

I think it's tobacco tar, Coach.

I thought so. Young Fortis is lucky we got this early. Nicotine poisoning can kill in a few minutes if the dose is high enough.

How high?

For a person your size, about thirty milligrams.

For an adult?

Twice that. About the amount from a small cigar.

Holy snap, Hugo! We...

...we had a close call.

Were you smoking?

No Coach. We, er Fortis stuck his finger in an ashtray.

Why?

Just seemed like fun, Coach.

I've cleaned the cut. If you feel sick, nausea, diarrhea, clamminess, dizzy --anything-- call me. Who's on watch tonight?

Marshall, sir.

Marshall? Hugo, he'll let me die.

I'll stay up and watch you, Fortis.

I'll stay with the boys, Coach.

Fine, Todd. I'll call in first thing in the morning.

Dorm

Hugo... Hugo.

What? Hush up.

Why did you shut me up?

I want to think about turning in Fitz.

Why?

Elihu might find out that Fitz is his real dad.

It's hard to lose a dad.

He'd have lost both dads.

And he'd wonder about his mom, too.

Yep, he'd have lost everything.

Mother would want me to turn him in.

What would your father say?

He left last year.

Sorry, I wondered why you never said anything...

My father traveled a lot. What if Fitz isn't the...one?

Fortis, we have the evidence. Method, opportunity, motive.

I'm still hoping Allenby might be the one.

Allenby's not so bad.

Neither was Fitz. He could have ratted us out about the ride.

They all knew.

Still a hundred laps was bad enough.

If I turn in Fitz, Dr Newcombe is still dead.

Oh, yeah. What about Stick?


Last Call

Detective Stick?

Hugo! Any clues?

No. I thought Fitz lied about the light bulb but I found a receipt for light bulbs. So everything is just as you said, coincidences, only coincidences.

The Chief just needed one more piece. You got him leaning with the news about the Newcombe's wife and Fitz. One more little piece and we'd get an autopsy.

No, you were right all along, Detective Stick.

Too bad. It was getting interesting, Hugo.

Sometimes you find out stuff that doesn't help, any one.

Drop by, Hugo. You got a head for this.

But not the heart for it, Detective Stick. Not the heart for it.

The Road Back

Hugo!

Benson! I thought you'd already be lost to Shakespeare for the summer.

And I thought you'd be staying all summer. Sling your stuff in the back and ride up front.

Still got a body in the trunk?

Of course! How's Young Newcombe?

Every day it's Think! Think! Think!

Sounds like Old Fitz! Must be part of the tradition.

It runs in the Ivy Hall family.

Yeah. So you're going home?

Just for the summer. I got a little homesick.
















The End of the Road

Ivy hall? Hey, kid, you going to Ivy hall?

Yeah, I'm going to walk, thanks.

Walk? Walk? Up that hill? Kid, hop in.

It doesn't look so bad.

Not real steep, for sure, but it's two miles long. Fun coming back down, though. Your folks shipping your bike?

Maybe. How much is this?

Nothing, pro bono. Let me put that case in the back. Ride up here with me. The trunk's got a body in it. Kidding.

Funny. I think I can walk.

Come on. Inspiring view, uh. Like it was painted by that madman, dear Vincent. You know Vincent, right?

Van Gogh.

Yeah. You just missed it. At dawn. Wow.

I heard it was sorta old fashioned.

Shakespearean! It's Shakespearean. The Globe. Shakespeare's my thing. I just got back from Stratford. My Bard's wardrobe is in the trunk. Really. This taxi gig is just to keep body and soul together. Ya, know?

Something wrong with your car?

No? Oh! No! Just set her on leisure cruise. Gates don't open for fifteen minutes.

Gates?

Yeah, gates. You didn't know about the gates?

Know what?

Ivy Hall is locked except to let the profs out for their morning bike ride.

What?

Yeah, they ride down Eidolon Road here, turn back there where I picked you up before they hit the plate glass of the library window and proceed down Hamlet Street which curves back to Ivy. It's downhill most of the way.

Is that possible?

When they arrive at the base of Mount Academia, they get hauled up with their bikes in a cargo elevator. Three hundred steps to the top!

Sounds like fun.

Only profs ride the cargo elevator.

I thought so.

Hey, in winter you get to skate. You skate, right?

I guess.

You'll like it. They skate at Cathcart School for Girls.

Cathcart Collegiate is a school for girls?

Yep, and you get to skate there every day in the winter. Course, they lock the girls up at that time.

Sounds like jail.

Well, you'll be out in six or seven years. Unless you decide to become a prof. Then it's for life.

Do they let us out?

Sure. You mean daily? Weekends, Saturday you can go into town. Classmen sneak over to Cathcart all the time.

No one told me about this. Can I go back to the station?

They'll just send you back, won't they?

They?

Your folks. You show up and they stick you on the next bus. Right?

I guess.

Might as well suck it up. It ain't so bad. I went here ten years ago.

Learned to love Shakespeare. Shakespeare, that's my thing.

Yeah.

You like Shakespeare?

Hamlet seemed real.

Yep, Shakespeare's my thing. Old Fitz is responsible for that.

Old Fitz?

Professor Fitzgerald. He's still here. I see him coasting down the hill, mornings. Shakespeare and World Lit.

Nice teacher, uh?

Nice? No. But he forced me to read and think. He's a tough son of...a gun. Think, think, think.

Uh?

Fitz's war cry--Think! Think! Think!

Wow!

Yeah, that's quite a dip on that side of the road, uh? Here they come.

That's Fitz on that old clunker bike. He's had that for 50 years.

He looks normal, sort of.

They all do. Hey, Professor Fitzgerald.

Hello, Benson! Got a new recruit, have you?

Yes, sir, professor!

That's me, uh?

Yeah. Well, this is the end of the road. I'm Benson, David Benson.

I'm Jonathon Hugo.

Hugo, glad to meet you.

Thanks, Mr Benson.

Just Benson, Hugo. It's tradition!

Thanks, Benson. I have some money.

No, that's fine. Old Fitz pays me.

He does? Why?

To keep my body and soul together, so I can have my Shakespeare thing during the summers. He doesn't have anyone. No family.

Did they all die?

No. Professors have to be bachelors.

Why?

Tradition. Must be a reason written down somewhere, you'd think.

You'd think.

Hey buck up, Hugo. I came when I was your age about eleven...

Twelve.

Twelve. You'll spend a year less here than I did. And I did fine. The time will go like zippety-doodah. Out, out, brief candle!

I've been in worse places, I guess.

Well, this is the end of the road, Hugo.

It looks like it.

Take your stuff through those doors and report to Madam. She'll sort you out.

Madam who?

Just Madam. She's the only female on campus. She'll sort you out. Just don't say much but listen to everything she says.

Thanks...

You'll do fine, Hugo. Got to run.

Bye, Benson... thanks...I think.

The Method

Gentlemen, welcome to Ivy Hall School for Boys. I'm Professor Fitzgerald and I will develop your feeble minds into powerful engines of thought through the study of the Literature of the World. We will study European Literature from about 1800. I include Russia in the study. We will study major and minor authors.

Although they are minor authors, all of them reached their majority.

Uh?

Although they are minor authors, all of them reached their majority.
The boys liked your little joke, Hornblower. An active group this year, wouldn't you say?

I would, sir.

Will you be as active intellectually, this year?

I will, sir.

Why study literature? You there with the distracted look. Next to Mr Hornblower.

Me?

Yes. Name.

Frank...

...surname first, Christian name last.

...Dunlop, Franklin. My mom calls me Frankie.

Does she? She calls you for supper, too, no doubt. Well, Dunlop--why study literature?

I have to.

Do you indeed? Hornblower had to, only he didn't, did you Hornblower?

I did not, sir.

Not much thought in that answer, Dunlop. Any thoughts Mr Hornblower?

Yes, sir. Lots of them.

Any that do not involve the young ladies of Cathcart Collegiate?

I fear not many, sir.

Gentlemen, save the war whoops for outside. Your thoughts on the reason to study literature, Hornblower.

Because it is essential for a complete education.

Oh you were proud of that one, Hornblower. Can someone build a sentence for Mr Hornblower's lonely clause? Name.

Hugo, Jonathon. We study literature because it is an essential part of a complete education.

Well done, Hugo. Hornblower, no more point form notes. Let's get it right this year.

I will get it right, sir.

Deep in thought, Dunlop?

Yes, Professor.

Share it, Dunlop.

I was wondering about the young ladies at Cathcart, sir.

Be done with those Bacchanalian cravings until Christmas pageant time.

Christmas?

Disappointment duly noted, gentlemen. But mercifully, it comes only once a year.

You don't like Christmas, sir?

Christmas is fine. It's Cathcart's invasion of Ivy Hall I object to.

I think an invasion might not be too bad, sir.

Well, you're young and jazzed up, as you lads say.

Jazzed up, sir?

Oh, yes. Same every year.

Shouldn't we be getting on with the show, professor?

Right you are, Hornblower. Perhaps this is why I retained you.

If it is sir, could I be excused from the assignments?

Mr Hornblower, you are a dreamer.

I am a dreamer, sir. But the show, sir?

I will conjure items from my pocket. Perhaps one of you might identify the particular object.

A ballpoint pen, sir.

Astute. No doubt you've used one.

Many times, sir.

Will you be using it in my class?

I will...

If the next word is 'not', you are correct, Dunlop.

Ballpoints belong here. In the trash.

And what is this?

A pencil, sir.

Who said that?

Coleman, Donald, sir.

Pencils are a fine invention. Suitable for notes in this class, Coleman?

No?

Is that a question, Coleman?

No. No, pencils are not suitable.

And?

And...and..and belong in the trash!'

You had us on the edge of our seats, Coleman.

The whole seat feels like an edge, sir.

Very astute, Dunlop. I suppose you will not be sleeping in this class.

Not in these desks, sir.

Oh, don't be too sure. Hornblower had many a fine sleep last year, didn't you Hornblower?

I did so, sir. Like a baby, sir.

And this delightful object?

Send it to the trash, sir.

Ah, a quick thinker. Name?

Fortis, Jerome, sir.

Well done, Fortis.

Where might ballpoints and pencils and markers and crayons be used?

Anywhere, sir. Anywhere, except in your class, sir.

Brilliant. Hornblower, no notes in crayon this year.

Just to my mother, sir. She likes my drawings to be colored.

Is it true we can't use lined paper?

Of course not, Dunlop. Use lined paper to line a bird cage or to fold into an airliner.

I was thinking for making notes.

By all means, Dunlop. Send notes to your mother on lined paper. Just don't send them to me.

Now view this vast slate as depicting your ignorance. No slouching, Mr Ouilette. A straight back produces a straight mind.

Just trying to get comfortable, sir.

There will be none of that, either.

No fear of that, sir.

Note the graceful cursive, gentlemen. 'A Hero in our Time' by Mikhail Lermontov. This reading is to be done for next class. Speak with Mr Todson, our librarian, about copies.

What do we do?

Ah, a sad lament bursts forth. Name?

Rich...Buchan, Richard, sir.

We will discuss the themes, motifs, and symbols of the book.

What's a motif?

Good question, eh Hornblower? Have you ever heard such a good question?

I have heard a better question, sir. What's a dictionary for?

Hornblower, that is a much better question. Buchan, do you suppose you might ask Mr Todson to point out the dictionaries for you?

Aren't teachers supposed to teach?

Yes, but teachers are not supposed to wipe the drool from your face, Buchan, that's your mother's job.

Ouch!

Mr Hornblower, what have you been told about missiles in class? Although you do seem to have caught young Buchan's attention.

Prof just taught you the secret of answers, Buchan.

Hornblower, I do believe I have struck pure gold with you!

I am pure gold, sir.

A year late, alas.

Alas, that too, sir.

Buchan, lead the class to the library. Get all the wonderful stuff you need.

Which way is...It's okay, sir, I will ask Hornblower.

What a brilliant teacher I am! Wouldn't you agree, Mr Buchan?

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow morning at half-eight, gentlemen. Happy reading. Leave like gentlemen not louts! And think, think, think!

Hugo, come for tea tonight in my chambers, half-seven.

Yes, sir. Shall I bring school work?

Not necessary, Hugo.

I'll see you at half-seven, professor.

The Motive

First day of term! I cherish first day of term. A toast to Ivy Hall
School for Boys!

A toast to Hallers everywhere!

Long live Ivy Hall!

Wait, wait.

Not toasting, Allenby?

I've run out of brandy, Sipes!

Mr Grammatika, more brandy for the troops!

And cigars all round!

Oh, Barney, I absolutely love First Day of Term!

We must have a little confab, Fitz.

What's up?

Madam says the Old Goat is about to make a decision.

About?

About? What else could it be about? He is going to appoint you Head Master!

That's....

Your life's goal, Fitz.

But the Old Goat has fooled us before.

He hasn't left his room all summer. He can't go on much longer. Just reviewing the names on the class lists required a nap break.

So he's ready for pasture, is he?

He's been a good old goat.

He has preserved the great traditions of Old Ivy. To Dr Cooper.

Shush, Fitz. For our ears only.

Does Allenby know?

No one knows but us. I don't think Allenby has the slightest interest in a headmastership. Madame says he abhors the administrivia as he calls it.

He may well abhor the work but not the status. Headmaster, is quite a feather in a man's cap.

I suppose.

How do you know this, Barney?

Madame says the board minutes listed headmaster position as a topic of discussion.

So it's official. How do you wheedle this out of the redoubtable Madame?

Oh, I didn't.

Who then?

Johnnie Walker!

Good work, Barney! I must get prepared. I imagine there'll be some interview, a show trial, of sorts.

Yes, and then a coronation with wines, cheeses, and all the traditional toasts for a new headmaster.

I wonder what they are? I hope the Old Goat remembers them.

Todson will have them catalogued, you bet.

You've been a great friend, Barney. I will make you Head of Studies. Professor Arthur Xavier Barnabus, Head of Studies. Has a nice ring, eh, Barney?

That's an old dream, Fitz. Make me permanent study hall proctor, so I can sleep over a good book.

You don't want Head of Studies?

Not for years and years. I have only small wishes now. You need a young man for Head of Studies. Perhaps LeMoyne or Sipes. Although, they're getting on, too. Where is the time going to, Fitz?

Well, if you should change your mind, Barney, just say so.

I would but I won't. You still want the Headmastership, don't you?

I gave up too much not to.

I often wonder if taking a wife might not have been so bad. I could have worked at other august institutions or even in a public one!

Heaven forbid. Old Ivy is our bride and family, Barney.

Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. I'm just wondering if...

I must prepare. Headmaster Fitzgerald. I had almost despaired of ever hearing it. Headmaster Fitzgerald.


Meet the Unwilling Accomplice

We have to eat together, too?

What are you whining about, Hazlitt?

I'm Ouilette, he's Hazlitt.

I'm not Hazlitt, he is, I'm Martin.

I need a pack mule for all these books. We even have to read for math!

Allenby, math, face like a cadaver. Borlasse, history...

...Barnabus is history. He was there when it was current events.

Borlasse, science, army boots. Do you want a sodding great boot up your backside? That's what he said.

What did you tell him?

No, because he looked like he meant it.

Borly is okay. Sipes, the artiste, he can be worse than a boot in
the ass. He'll keep encouraging you until you get it!

He smells like my grandmother. Kinda looks like her too.

Coach is all right. If you don't mind the drop and give me ten routine.

I mind.

You'll be meeting Grammatika, the tutor. He knows everything but he's not a doctor of philosophy yet. And Walters, the choir master.

Choir master?

Yeah, everyone sings in the choir. Everyone.

That's it?

Let see, Todson, you met him in the library. Monsieur Professor Pierre
Antoine LeMoyne. And of course, Fitzgerald.

He's creepy. Looking over those glasses like we were vermin.

He ain't bad.

He likes you, Hornblower.

He likes everyone. Most of the teachers here are...here to be helpful.

I'll never get a chance to know about that. I can't read all these books.

Listen up, Lang, everybody. See those primates over there? They're Classmen.

Big deal.

They think it's a big deal.

I'm going to get some lunch, if there's anything edible.

Listen Dunny, it doesn't work like that. First Classmen get lunch, the Form C, then Seconds, then us Nubs.

Classmen, Form C, Seconds, and Nubs? What kind of system is that?

It's been that way forever and that's the way it is.

Hornblower, this place is a museum.

Mausoleum, you mean.

I'll have to look that one up. Fontaine, right?

Yeah.

The Classmen are coming for a visit. Let me do the talking.

Mr Peters, we have some Nubby babies at our table.

You know where you belong, Quenville.

You aren't supposed to talk to us that way, Hornblower.

I didn't know that, perhaps you could teach me the rules, Quenny.

Hey, don't get smart with Mr Quenville.

I won't, Marshall. I wouldn't want to leave you stuck in stupid all by yourself.

What are you laughing at, Nub? You don't know jack.

He's Dunny. I'm Jack.

I was laughing at you, Classy-boy.

I'll be looking for you at the athletic field, four o'clock. What's your name, Nub? Dunny?

Dunlop, but you can call me Sir Dunlop.

Sit down, Dunlop. You guys can go back to your little club room.

Who made you boss, Hornblower? We can wipe the floor with you.

Which one of you wants to start?

We got no problem with you, Hornblower. It's shorty... Ow!

Dunlop! Sit down.

Step off, Quenville. I run the Nubs.

If that little peon comes near me, I'll pulp him.

Whatcha gonna do, sit on me, Ass-boy?

Dunlop, I'm gonna whack you, if you don't shut up. Got it?

Yeah. Yes, Hornblower.

Come on, Peters, Marshall.

Nice punch. Quenville's gonna have a black eye. He bruises like a
peach.

I didn't have my fist set right. I think I broke something.

Too bad. He'll be back. He's like an elephant--he never forgets to get even.

Dunlop, your hand's swelling up.

We'll ice it, then see what Coach thinks.

Come on, we'll get ice from Cookie.

Does it hurt, Dunny?

Only when I laugh. Haha.

You're one prime idiot, Dunny. Quennville and Peters will be looking for you.

What about the moose?

Marshall? Keep some candy in your pocket and talk nice and soft to him.

Coach

Come in.

Coach, Dunlop hurt his hand.

Hurt his fist you mean, Hornblower.

Yes, Coach.

Quenville just left. He has a bad headache.

Dunlop, you're a feisty one, taking on Quenville and his little band of rogues.

Is it broken?

No, but you'll feel it for a while. I'm going to give you a pain killer, Dunlop.

Thanks, Coach.

No more punching, Dunlop. At least until it heals.

Yes, sir.

Come spring, I want to see you on the boxing team.

Yes, sir!

You, too, Hornblower.

Oh yes, sir.

Capability

Knock, Knock, Knock. Who's there in the name of Beelzebub?

It's Hugo, Professor Fitzgerald, sir.

Come in, Hugo. No reason to be timid.

You invited me to tea?

Did you like the Shakespeare, Hugo?

Yes, sir. The gatekeeper from Macbeth.

Masterful! I prefer Macbeth to Hamlet. All that dithering.

Macbeth often acted in haste, sir.

But, he acted. Honestly, when I see Hamlet I want to cry out --get on with it, man!

Yes, professor.

Anyway, I think I have chosen the right man.

Macbeth?

You, Hugo.

For what, sir?

Time for all that, later. Come in and have a seat.

Uh...

Choices are rather limited.

I thought the professors would have bigger places. Sir.

We have our own bath, of course. Just through there.

Oh. It looks like a closet. Sir.

Not much larger, Hugo, not much at all. It's all compact. But I have everything I need. Books and a light by which to read them.

Yes. We have that in the dorm.

Do you like tea, Hugo?

I don't know. My grandma only let me have hot chocolate.

Hot chocolate it is.

How?

I keep a kettle. Mum's the word, Hugo.

Ye, sir.

I keep some biscuits, too.

Some of the boys do, too.

We all do, since the very first days of Old Ivy. It's a tradition.

Lots of tradition, here.

I brought this suitcase on my first day here. I was almost 11. My mother packed me coco and biscuits. My father put in a Bible. Grandmother knitted a scarf. My grandfather wanted me to take a pistol!

Why?

He thought teachers needed shooting at, once in a while! He gave me this compass, instead.

So you won't get lost.

I suppose.

That was the reason your dad gave you the Bible.

Of course. Gramps was disappointed the family wouldn't let him give me the pistol.

My gramps is a little strange, too, sir.

So hot chocolate, it is. I have creamy and extra creamy with marshmallows.

Marshmallows, please.

What do you want to make of your life, Hugo?

Not sure. My grandparents want me to be a doctor.

And you? Is that what you want?

I don't know yet.

I knew the day I got here that I wanted to be Head Master.

Oh.

Oh. What?

I heard you were ancient!

No, the Head Master is. Dr Cooper is ancient.

You're not Head Master?

No. Not yet!

I enjoy hot chocolate while reading Emily.

Dickinson?

Yes.

What are the ribbons for, sir?

Chess. I was blue ribbon every year but one.

What happened that year?

I got the influenza the day before and played sick. I finished second.

No ribbons for second, uh?

They gave me a nice red one. Made a big fuss, too.

I don't see it.

I burned it. Second place doesn't interest me, Hugo. Never has. Never will.

The kettle's boiling.

Never will. I had my sights set on winning.
I believe that little beggar infected me on purpose.

Who?

The little beggar who won that year.

The kettle is ready, Professor Fitzgerald.

Yes, that little beggar... Oh, the kettle, should have said something, Hugo. Burn Old Ivy down and I'd have nothing to be Head Master of.

Is that you up there, sir?

Oh yes. Fine sport, Hugo. The water here isn't suitable. That's the championship four. Great lads. On the river every morning.

Why did you say I was the right man?

The young ladies would come to watch.

Professor?

Hmmm.

Why am I the right man?

Because you are, Hugo. Never doubt that.

For what?

For chamber boy, Hugo. What did you think this all about?

No idea, sir. Less now.

Chamber boy. It's a paying job, Hugo. I bet that's interesting.

Yes, sir! What exactly do I do?

Chamber boy duties. Here, careful.

Thank you. Chamber boy duties?

Yes. Tidy up a bit and take out the trash. Laundry.

Laundry. I've never done that.

Just take it down the street and pick it up the next day. And you'll have help.

Help?

I'm meeting Fortis, too. Both of you will be chamber boys, too. You get along with Fortis?

I don't know yet. He seems okay. Has he accepted?

He will. His background is economically straitened.

When do I start?

I'll walk you through it now and you can start tomorrow. You'll do only this wing. Dr Cooper and me. Though he will be leaving us shortly, I believe. Should take about an hour each morning. Sundays off. Deal?

Deal.

How's the drink?

Very good. Perhaps, I'll be a professor.

It's a life worth the sacrifice. Yes. Worth the sacrifice. Yes.

I don't know what I would sacrifice.

Fate will pick out something, Hugo. It always finds something.

Oh, I got the reading from Mr Todson.

Yes, fate always finds something.

Chamber Duties

Professor Fitzgerald said not to knock on Dr Cooper's door.

Have you ever seen, Dr Cooper?

No, but Hornblower has.

Did you have tea with Fitzy, Hugo?

I had hot chocolate.

I had tea. It was awful. How'd you get hot chocolate?

I asked.

Mother would have told me to do that. She would have said 'Jerome, you need to speak up for yourself. Would your mother say that?

No. I speak up, usually.

Yes, I can tell. You asked for hot chocolate.

Well, let's get started. You first, Fortis.

Coop's sleeping soundly! I can hear him from the hall!

Open the window, Fortis. This place has old person stink.

My great-grandmother lived in a dark old cave that smelled like this.

Not much to do here. He seems to be very neat.

Mother would say he was well brought up. Old fashioned values.

Even Fitz says that Coop's ancient.

Fitzy is ancient, too!

Check the fridge. Fitz said Coop leaves milk in there for weeks.

Yep. Mother should see this. No, no, she shouldn't.

Do you always talk about your mother?

Only when I get nervous.

You aren't nervous in class. Or even around the Classmen.

I am prepared for class and unbelievably brave. I am shocked sometimes at my own bravery cause I'm chicken at heart.

Fortis, I think you are conflicted.

Mother said that. Oh, I...

Just take out the garbage. I'll get the laundry.

Dr Cooper sounds like he's snoring through a bullhorn, Hugo.

We should sit and wait for the place to air out a bit. Then do Fitz's place before he gets back from the ride.

Why does it take them an hour to coast four miles downhill?

They stop for coffee at Hamlet's Donut Cafe.

That's why they don't want us going with them. We'd spoil their morning coffee.

I would like to go on the ride, Fortis. The cabbie, Benson said it's downhill all the way.

Benson is a very weird man. I bet the body in his trunk is real.

You know him?

He was waiting for me. Hey boy, would you like some candy?

He offered candy?

No. But he gave me the creeps.

But you got in the cab?

Yeah, well it was a long way up the hill. Besides...he had candy.

Fortis, can you even figure yourself out?

Mother says I'm a like a ball of string.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

You never asked her?

Mother's explanations generally made things more confusing. She told me a story about birds and bees and I was hoping she'd tell me about Jackie.

Who's Jackie?

The girl next door. She had a nice bike.

We don't have bikes.

Some of the boys do. We could ask to borrow them.

Yeah. Perhaps we could ask for lunch money, too. And ice cream.

Perhaps we could go on a Saturday?

We probably couldn't borrow a bike then, Fortis.



A Plan

I've been thinking.

Good. About what?

About the fact we have no bikes.

It sounds like you wasted your time, Fortis. We already knew we don't have bikes.

Yes. But I think we could get some.

Borrow them from Coleman and Jack? Or Jackie, maybe?

Better. You know what would be more fun, Hugo?

What?

Stealing the profs' bikes and going at night.

Fortis, you are unbelievably brave. Or stupid.

It will be fun. I know how to do it.

One, the gates are locked. Two, the bike shed is locked. Three, the dorm is guarded by Classmen.

I've figured it out.

Okay but there's still Hornblower.

We'll invite him along, Hugo.

I don't think Hornblower wants to go bike riding with us.

The ride takes us right past Cathcart!

Mmmmm. That might interest him. What would your mother say about this?

Jerrrroooooommmmeeeee! Wait till your father gets home!

Let's get down to breakfast before Moose snorts through everything.

Cookie always saves us something, Hugo.

Yeah, whatever Moose doesn't want! I'm sure we had lawn thatch yesterday.


Dunny and Hugo

Hugo!

Dunny.

Don't call me that, chambermaid.

Hornblower calls you that.

Yeah, well you call me Sir Frank.

Sir Frank, short for Sir Frankfurter?

You twerp...

Any trouble here, Mr Dunlop? I was just looking for you.

No, Professor Allenby.

No, Professor Allenby, sir. Mr Dunlop.

Yes, sir, Professor Allenby.

Hugo?

No problem Dr Allenby, sir. Dunny and I were just discussing his C in
math, sir.

C? Dunlop, a C in my class?

That's what Dunny's aiming for now, sir.

Really, Dunlop?

Yes. Yes, sir.

Dunny knows he needs help and he came to me so as not to disappoint you, sir.

I've underestimated you...Dunny. You work with Hugo, here and I'll forestall this extra work and extra class. I'd rather be at the bowling green, too, on a Saturday.

I wish you never have to miss a game, Professor Allenby. Sir.

Do you think you can pound this into Dunny by mid-terms, Hugo?

I would enjoy pounding, Dr Allenby.

Very good, Hugo. Thank your stars that a man like Hugo is willing to help you, Dunny.

Yes, sir. I am very thankful. For your help, too, sir. Even though it didn't help. Sir. In the way you had hoped, sir.

Carry on. Dunny. Mr Hugo.

You little...

Careful. I'll squeal like a girl.

Now I have to work with you.

I saved your Saturday mornings, sneaking over to Cathcart.

Yeah. Yeah. Look keep this quiet, Hugo.

Sure, Dunny...Dunlop.

Hey, what do you do as the chamber maid...chamber boy?

Just tidy up. Not much to do at the Old Goat's. I think Allenby is doing most of it.

I heard he died and is just propped up in bed.

That's supposed to be a secret, Dunlop.

What? You jerk.

He's alive. He sleeps late and does papers in the afternoon.

What about Fitz's dump?

Just papers at Fitz's. A bag of laundry every week. He keeps everything neat. Squirrels away everything. He's got notes, and bills for everything he buys, everything he ever bought.

Mean old bastard. Pressing you to think it out gentlemen, Think it out! They sent me here to learn stuff. Not to hear 'think it out' every five seconds.

He's just particular.

Peculiar. Weirdly, peculiar.

He pays well and he always wants to chat. He's lonely.

Old queers. All of these bastards. He try anything fruity?

No. They're all weird but Fitz had a girlfriend. In ancient times.

It's all in his head. Who would be his girlfriend? Hunzilla!

He doesn't say. He calls her his sacrifice.

I knew it! He killed her!

Don't be stupid.

Right, she killed herself!

Metaphor, Dunlop.

I'm kidding. I'm not stupid just uninterested. This is the most uninteresting place my parents ever stuck me. Why are you here?

I'm an orphan.

Oh...

I poisoned my parents.

Metaphor, right. Right, Hugo? Metaphor?


The Road Ahead

What mischief is this?

Brake fade I suppose, Fitz.

Brain fade's more like it.

A barricade of posts is being put up next week, to stop this very thing.

Timing is everything, Barney. Any injuries?

The driver was very lucky not to be carved up like a Christmas goose.

They might do well to brick up that window!

Dash your brains out instead of slashing your throat. Not much of an improvement, Fitz.

Let's go. Only time for a quick coffee, this morning. Glorious day,
Barney.

Why were you held up today?

I stopped in to see the Old Goat.

How is he? I meant to look in but Allenby said he was sleeping.

Nodded off in mid-sentence nattering on about the board.

Coffee on you today, Fitz?

The Prize is in Sight

Good old Coop. Hardly anything to do here but open the window, Hugo.

Fortis, do you hear anything?

No. Should I?

Snoring?

No snoring. For the first time! Oh...

You better look, Fortis.

Why me?

You are unbelievably brave, remember?

Not when it comes to dead people.

We don't know he's dead.

But we think he is. Let's just air out the place and leave. Some one else will find him.

And if they don't. We'll find him again tomorrow and he will smell...worse than he does already.

You check him and I'll follow.

Maybe, I'll just call.

Good idea. Mother would say that was a good idea.

Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper, sir. Are you okay?

He's still asleep, see. Hugo. Let's take out the garbage and ask someone to look in on him.

That's a better idea. We'll ask Fitz.

Let's get out of here. This whole place is like a grave yard.

Spreading the News

Professor Fitzgerald! Professor!

Come in, Hugo, Fortis.

No, sir. You must come. It's Dr Cooper...he's...

..dead?

He sounds dead, sir.

Daydreams

Wonderful turnout for the Old Goat. I must get a comfy chair like this for my chambers.

Should I say esteemed colleagues?

Perhaps one for the study hall.

Or most esteemed?

The food was wonderful. The wine was wonderful. What are those wonderful bacon rolly things?

Most esteemed sounds a bit too much. Yet no one is likely to complain.

Rolly wonderful bacon things. My blessings, who was that woman who sang for the Old Goat?

On this esteemed occasion... too much esteem...

Wonderful voice. Wonderful hymn. Wonderfully short skirt, Fitz. For a funeral.

I'm trying to get just the right amount of esteem and humility. I thought I had this thing ready. I've been writing it for the last twenty years, Barney.

Wonderful funeral, though. You don't get a second chance with funerals. It's either wonderful and every one says, oh what a wonderful funeral. Why did he make us wait so long, it was so wonderful! Or it's disaster.

I'll sleep on it. Can't rush into things, unprepared.

I expect people would remember a disaster, too. But who wants to hear your funeral was not wonderful?

I expect notice about the headmastership, shortly.

Yes, it was, but she had wonderful legs. Fitz you should dust off that acceptance speech.

Yes, and sleep on it. What did Madame say about it all?

Oh, she thought it was wonderful. A bit aghast at how short that skirt was, though.

No, the headmastership.

That will be wonderful, too. Will we have the rolly bacony wonderful things, too? At your funeral... er... headmaster thing... and wine? Do you think that woman would sing at your headmastershipping?

Barney, what did Madame say about the Head Master's position?

She said soon it was all going to blow up. Big news, she said.

Big news. The board wants a little press. New Head Master takes over Old Ivy!

That's what Madame said. Big, big news.

She said big, big news?

Then she passed out. She's never done that before, Fitz.

Apocalypse

Fitz! Fitz, wait up. Fitz...Fitz...

Some trouble, Barney?

A...poca...lypse.

Apocalypse?

Worse. The board...

The board... go on.

The board is hiring... off campus!

For... head master?

Head... master.

I'll speak with Chairman Randolph.

Too late, Fitz. He's been hired.

The new Head Master? It can't be! Dr Cooper...

They wanted new blood, new ideas. Fitz, they are going to ruin Old Ivy.

Over my dead body, Barney. Who told you this?

Unimpeachable sources.

Madame?

Under the influence of Johnnie Walker.

The highest level.

Let's go to chambers, Fitz.

Fifty years, Barney. Fifty years to finish second.

The morning after

Fitz. You must get up. Be an example to young Hugo and Fortis, here. Fitz, come on.

I can't Barney. I just want to sleep, perchance to dream.

Fitz, there always a trial period.

Fifty years, Barney.

Headmaster Newcombe could fall flat on his face. Dr Cooper almost got the sack.

Madame told you that?

Todson. It's in the old board minutes. Apparently some of the older boys objected to Cooper because he was too young. Barely older than them.

The Old Goat? Was he ever young?

That's the spirit, Fitz.

But he kept the job. For 65 years!

But we might be able to make some... Hugo, you and Fortis, are excused today. Run along.

Is that okay, Professor Fitzgerald?

Yes, don't worry, Hugo. He'll be his old self, tomorrow.

You are wrong Barney. I won't be my old self. I will be my usual self.

God bless you. As I was saying, we might be able to rally the staff against Newcombe.

Yes, Barney, the intellectual cold-shoulder. A little elbow-sharp wit into the solar plexus.

Newcombe, you haven't thought that out, dear chap.

That's simply not how it is done, Newcombe.

Well, it might have been done that way in some public school, Newcombe! But not at Old Ivy.

He may quit in a week under such ridicule. Allenby and Sipes can ladle it out, too.

And Madame could lose his lecture notes, accidentally of course.

Accidentally, the only way, Barney.

I'd need a full bottle for that.

I'll buy a case of Johnny Walker for you to employ as you see fit, Professor Barnabus. I trust your intellectual judgement.

And we shall tell the lads that Newcombe is a terror for homework and four-hour exams.

I'll schedule a four-hour exam and blame him.

Me, too. This reminds me of my youth. I was in mischief most of the time. Exhilarating isn't it?

I suppose this is why young Hornblower always has a lighthearted demeanour.

Yes, I like the lad. Bloody awful student, though. He'll be a politician, no doubt.

Hardly fit for anything else. Operation... what should we call it?

Operation Exterminate!

Barney, that's a bit rough.

I thought you didn't want to finish second.

I don't. I won't. Operation Exterminate it is.

Good.

That little beggar infected me.

What little beggar?

In sixth grade. Bobby McKay. He came to my house a few days before the chess match to wish me good luck. Oh, my mother was so taken with the little bastard. Him sniffling the whole time.

Does it actually work that way, Fitz?

For little bastards like Bobby McKay it always does. They are tools of fate, Barney. They're McDuffs, every last one of those bastards.

I think you are finding the spirit now, Fitz.

You know what I did at next year's match?

Tell me, dear Fitz.

I pretended to be violently ill and I visited him to wish him luck!

He knew the jig was up, Fitz!

Yes, and I beat him in twelve moves. Just twelve moves. He had never been beaten so roundly before. Crushed him. Second place, uh!

It's time for a drink, Fitz.

Yes, a drink. I'm tired of packing my bed like a traveller's suitcase, every morning. I want the headmaster's suite.

You should have let the boys tidy up a bit, Fitz.

Dr Newcombe meet Bobby McKay.

Are you okay, Fitz?

Back to my usual self, Barney!

The Great Caper

Hey, Nubs front and centre. Fortis has a scheme. Okay, Fortis, explain it.

Friday is the welcoming party for the new headmaster.

A piss up for the headmaster! Who cares?

That's even better for us, Buchan.

Why do we care? We're still incarcerated.

All the profs will be there. So will all the Cathcart profs.

We know all this, Fortis. Why do we care a snap?

We are going to steal the profs' bikes and ride over to Cathcart.

It would be easier to take student bikes.

This is supposed to be an adventure, Coleman.

Okay, but how do we break into get the bikes.

And break through the gates?

The gates will be open for the visitors.

That still leaves the bike shed. It's locked right after the morning rides, Fortis.

Yep but who is in charge of the key?

I dunno, one of us takes it to Coach.

We won't give him the key.

And when he finds us, we'll be running laps for a month.

No, we don't take him the real key. Just a key that looks like it.

Brilliant, Fortis.

Now all we have to do is slip by the Class men guard on our door.

Class man guard. Class men are invited to the party. One of them gets left behind.

Who?

Who would be left behind? Come on think about it!

Moose!

Yeah, Marshall would be tricked or talked into it.

How do we get past him?

Hornblower told you first time we saw him, Dunlop.

Speak softly and carry a big bag of candy.

This is where Lang comes in.

Me, how?

You are going to catch cold on Monday.

Why?

You are going to get a little cold medicine.

I don't like cold medicine.

You aren't going to take it.

Well, why can't someone else not take it?

Because you are the biggest. Coach is going to give you the biggest dose.

You're gonna drug, Marshall? Fortis, you are a criminal genius!

Not completely drug him. I'm going to borrow some brandy from the staff room.

Marshall doesn't drink.

Yeah, I know but he will eat some brandy-cold medicine soaked candy.

How are you going to get into the staff room?

Us chamber boys are going to walk right in.

Not grammatical and not traditional! Chamber boys can't go into the staff room.

Right, but we're just Nubs and we plead innocence.

This is crazy, Fortis.

You don't have to come.

Oh, no, I'm not missing this.

Hornblower, you will to sneak over to Cathcart tomorrow to set things up with the girls.

Girls?

Yes, girls, Martin.

I wanna meet the girls. How do you get them out?

Yeah, Fortis. How do I get the girls out?

I was hoping you had an idea, Hornblower.

I knew this sounded too good. Fortis, you're no genius.

I got carried away. Mother always said I got carried away.

What if we had a diversion?

We could pull the fire alarms!

Nice one, Jack. Then the Cathcart profs come back and lock the place down and we'd get caught barehanded.

Ouilette, now you're the genius.

Thanks, Hornblower. How? What did I say?

Never mind. But I think I can guarantee that the entire first class of Cathcart will be out to see us.

I'm going wear my leather jacket.

Don't worry about what to wear, Martin.

How many girls? One for each of us?

More than that, at least fifteen of them.

Heroes

Fortis, why are you late?

Sorry Professor, I was doing an extra job.

Extra job?

Part of my chamber boy duties, sir.

Well, we need not go into particulars, Fortis.

No, sir.

As I was saying, gentlemen...

Did you get it?

The place was empty. Not even Mr Grammatika was there.

You sound disappointed.

Well, this is supposed to be an adventure.

Where's the...?

In my satchel.

Fortis...what if a Classman does a search?

Oh...

Mr Hugo, any ideas?

About?

About the lesson, Hugo.

I think Lermontov glamorizes suicide.

Go on, Hugo.

He introduces Russian roulette. He could have used poison.

Not heroic, poison, though.

Suiciders aren't heroic.

None of them?

None that I know of, sir.

Dunny, do you agree?

Yes, sir.

Go on, Dunny.

If you I had known I had to go on I would have disagreed.

Gentlemen, you sound like howler monkeys. Now Dunny, any opinion you hold should be supported by reason.

Think, think, think!

Good anticipation, Coleman.

If you think, think, think, you can't commit suicide.

Why, Dunny?

Because suicide ain't rational.

Poor grammar but sound thinking, Dunny.

Do you agree, Hugo?

Suiciders are irresponsible, sir. And ungrateful.

Do any of you hold that suicide is romantic?

Nothing romantic about someone's brains messing up the wall.

You have a very vivid imagination, Hugo.

Yes, sir.

Martin? Any thoughts.

I thought Russian roulette sounded exciting. As long as the gun doesn't go off.

But it does go off, Martin.

Yes, Buchan, I know, but it would be scary fun hearing the gun go click.

You never hear it go bang!

Good point, Hornblower.

Now, Martin, you will not be playing Russian roulette. Correct?

Oh no, sir. That would be crazy.

Soiree

Professor Allenby, Dr Borlasse, Coach Major.

Hello, Fitz. I thought you might skip this little coronation.

No, Coach. I have accepted the will of the board.

Tough luck, Fitz.

It wasn't in the cards... chemicals, Borly.

Ah, here comes our honored guest.

Gentlemen, this is a wonderful welcome.

Dr Newcombe, we are, all of us, very happy to serve you.

Professor Fitzgerald, I want you to meet someone.

I'd be delighted, Dr Newcombe.

Paul, please.

I'm happy to be called Fitz.

Fitz, I want you to meet my son.

Son?

Yes, My wife's here,too.

You're married?

Professor Elihu Fitzgerald meet my son Professor Elihu Newcombe.

Elihu?

Don't meet many, do you?

Never.

I've read most of your articles, professor. You are one of the reasons I chose literature as my field.

I...

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

I am flattered, Professor Newcombe.

Oh, here's my wife.

Darling, this is...

Fitz. Professor Fitzgerald.

You've met?

Uh... only in books, dear.

Fitz, this is my wife, Muriel.

Could I sit down a moment?

You've gone white, Professor Fitzgerald. Here, get off your feet for a minute.

Thanks, son. I guess my routine has been... disrupted.

Would you like a drink, professor?

Muriel, please bring... Where did your mother go? I'll get you a scotch.

No. Thanks, doctor. I need some air, I think.

I will escort you to chambers, Professor Fitzgerald.

No, please, Elihu, stay and enjoy the night. I will be fine. I just need some air and to find my... equilibrium, that's all.

The Descent

Fitz, are you leaving?

No, Barney, I just need some air. If you'd just steady me down the stairs.

You're pale. I can see that even in this light. Perhaps you should see Coach?

No, really Barney. I'm fine. Go in. Brandy is flowing like the waters of Avon.

Oh well then, if you are sure.

I'll come back in an hour, I'm sure. Thanks, Barney.

Take care, old friend. My blessing, I can smell the brandy from here.

Meeting

Fitz, I have only a few minutes. Paul will be looking for me.

Why didn't you tell me, Muriel?

I tried. You chose... all of this.

And you chose... him.

Not many men would have taken on...

Elihu is...

Yes. I must go, Fitz.

Why did you come here? To Ivy?

I didn't think you would still be here. I didn't see your name until Paul showed me the guest list. I must go. If only... dear Fitz.

Scream

Whisper! If we get caught now, we'll swing the same as if we'd pulled this off.

Do you think we should have some one watch Moose? He inhaled those candies.

He was snoring like the Old Goat.

Yeah, the Old Goat died.

Marshall's okay. He was still muttering in his sleep.

And you're doctor now, Adams?

No, but my old man is. Passed out drunks don't mutter. Only sleeping ones.

Listen up, Nubs. One at a time follow me. Stay in the bushes until you get to the shed. Got it?

I got it, Hornblower.

Fortis, get down.

What?

I think it's Fitz.

He looks drunk already.

He coming back to his chambers, Fortis.

I think he's sick. I think he's crying, Hugo.

He's sort of laughing.

Too much brandy. Sit tight.

Hugo, I'm starting to get nervous.

We have to make sure Fitz doesn't come back out and see us crossing to the shed.

Oh...Mother...

Hush, Fortis. Fitz might hear you.

Holy Snap! What was that!

Sounded like someone being murdered.

Perhaps someone found Moose . Dead. Oh Mother said I got carried away.

Shut up, Fortis. That noise came from Fitz or Coop's place.

Well, it wasn't Coop.

Maybe the new guy found a rat or something. Move, move and stay low.

Holy Snap!

Just the chimes, Fortis.

Move. Move!

Over here, Hugo.

Everyone here? Martin you got a count?

All twelve here, Hornblower.

Okay, Ouilette unlock the shed. In thirty seconds the rest of us get in. Grab the first bike you can and get out.

Yes, Hornblower, sir.

We meet on the other side of the shed and wheel the bikes to the Eidolon Road. Coast to the first turn off and wait until I get there.

Okay, Hornblower.

Ready for some adventure?

I'm ready to see some girls!

And they are ready to see you, Martin!

The Long Glide

Hugo, we're going twenty-eight miles an hour!

How'd know that?

This bike's got a speedo!

We better slow down, here's our meeting place.

Dunny, over here.

Hey, we are exactly zero point four miles from Ivy.

Why'd you take Allenby's bike?

You said to take the first bike, Hornblower.

Now he'll know his bike was taken.

Who cares? This won't stay secret.

All right, what's the plan, Hornblower?

We're gonna moon the girls.

What?

We're gonna ride-by Cathcart sans-pantaloons, as Monsieur LeMoyne would say.

This was Ouilette's plan?

I didn't plan this. But I am starting to like the idea!

Who's in? Hugo, Lang, Adams, Martin, Jack?

Yeah, let's go, we're all in. Where do we strip?

After we make the turn at the library, there's a little cul-du-sac. Be there. Then it's about a quarter mile to Cathcart.

Let's go. I'm stripping completely.

Fortis, are you crazy? One minute you're whining for your Mother, now you're a maniac!

Well, I'm going full starkers now from here! Who's man enough to join me?

If Fortis goes, I go.

I'll go with you, Dunny.

Me, too. You in, Hugo?

All right.

Lang?

Yeah. Let's make it unanimous.

Okay, guys?

Whoop! Whoop! Strip down!

Hugo, I think Mother...

...no talk about your mother, Fortis. This is your idea. Start stripping.

Why'd we choose a frosty night?

The girls won't see that well!

Let's go. Man, if we don't get stopped by cops first, this will be fun.

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The Show at Cathcart

I'm freezing and I've lost my socks, Hugo.

Mmmmeee toooo.

You lost your socks?

Nnnnoooo, I'mmmmm freeeeezzzinggg.

Oh Mother...the girls are there. Look there's a hundred of them!

Too late to sttttopppp now. Peddle like hell, Fortis!

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hugo!

What?

I'm getting....jazzed up.

Me, too.

This is great!

You are a genius, Fortis.

The Plant

Fortis, I left my belt in the shed.

We can't go back, Hugo. People are starting to leave the Great Hall.

I can't let some one find it tomorrow. They'd know something went on.

They probably already do.

I'm going. Give me the key.

It's in the pot by the shed door.

What pot?

The plant pot.

Why'd you leave it there?

I didn't want to get caught with it.

I'll see you in about ten minutes. Make it look like I'm in bed, in case Moose looks in.

If he's alive, he'll still be sleeping.

Haha.

Leave the key there, Hugo. Hugo...

Hush up...

Ill Wind

Did you enjoy the fancy ball, Professor Fitzgerald?

Not particularly, Hornblower.

Sorry, sir. I know you had your heart set on it.

It?

The head master's job, sir.

Yes, Hornblower. But we must deal with disappointment in our lives.

I dealt with it when you wrote my last report. But my disappoint was different, sir.

How so, Hornblower?

I deserved it, sir.

Thank you, Mr Hornblower. Gentlemen, I have learned that several bicycles were borrowed from the shed on Friday night. Professor Allenby reports that his bike was ridden 4.45 miles.

Very precise, sir.

Mathematicians are that way, Coleman. The bicycle incident though is secondary.

To the news from Cathcart?

No, Fortis. Jazzed up lads have been pulling stunts like this since Adam.

It wasn't just me!

Not you Adams, Adam, the first man. Adam and Eve.

Oh.

One of the Classmen was slipped a Mickey Finn.

Mickey Finn, sir?

Drugged. Mr Marshall was drugged. I'm not going to ask by whom or how it was done. But we must have an understanding, gentlemen. This will never be done again.

Never again, sir.

What do you suggest as an appropriate penalty, Mr Hornblower?

I think Coach is giving us a hundred laps.

The usual.

Perhaps assign a few of the Bard's plays?

That's not punishment, Hornblower. Why don't I just throw in drinks and cigars?

I'm at loss, sir.

Maybe, I will leave it all to Coach.

Thank you, sir!

I expect Allenby will assign some quadratics or some such creation.

Professor Allenby does not have much of the milk of human kindness in him, sir.

Close Shave

Bathroom light burned out. I wonder if I could finish shaving here, Dr Newcombe, ah Paul?

Certainly. Can't have a staff death on my hands, so soon into my tenure.

Old Ivy Professor Dies from Slashed Throat. Not good press, Paul.

That's why I use an electric. Go ahead. I expect you know the lay of the land.

Come in, door's open!

Good morning, Dr Newcombe.

Oh Johnny, good to see you. Where's Jerome?

He's cleaning up Professor Fitzgerald's place.

Some tidying up to do, I'm afraid, Johnny.

Mrs Newcombe still not back yet?

Muriel will be staying with Elihu a few more days. Apparently.

So you will be eating in the cafeteria again, Dr Newcombe?

Yes, Johnny. Again.

I'll save you a spot.

I didn't think I would be eating in the cafeteria quite so often when I made that 'first come, first served' rule. Perhaps, Fitz is right about tradition.

Did I hear my name? Hello, Hugo.

Good... good morning, professor.

That was quick, Fitz.

When a man finds his resolve, he gets right to the task at hand.

I'm going to replace the standard issue light bulb, Fitz. Damn tradition!

Most of us buy our own. Standard issue is too dim.

I better get to my task, Dr Newcombe..

Oh, it's time for the ride. Those vitamins are just the thing. Positively energizing, Fitz.

I feel better just knowing you are taking them.

I'll just take a few now and meet you outside.

I wouldn't miss it, Paul.

See you later, Hugo.

Leaving now, Paul.

Drat!

Something wrong, Dr Newcombe?

Just this little gizmo. Sort of flew apart. Clear a spot, Hugo.
Red, blue, red, blue.

Here's another red one, sir.

Good. Everything seems in order. Now, turn to Monday and like magic I have the right combination of vitamins and whatever else is in this.

You don't know?

Something Fitz takes. He a positive whirling dervish on his bike.

Professor Fitzgerald?

Yes. Absolutely possessed with energy.

The boys say only Dr Cooper was slower.

Oh, I think someone is pulling your leg, Johnny. Fitz is absolutely possessed with energy.

Have a nice time biking, Dr Newcombe.

Always!

Apparition

Arthur, where's Fitz this morning?

Not sure, I thought he left early, Paul.

No, his bike was at the shed. Think he will show up?

Oh, yes, Tuesday is Boston creme donut day at Hamlet's.

Fitz indulges, does he?

It's his only vice, Paul.

Cigars and brandy, don't count?

Not here, Paul.

And your indulgence, Arthur?

Study hall.

You enjoy study hall?

Yes, Paul.

No more dreams, Arthur?

Lots of them but none to be realized, I'm afraid.

I think that's Fitz coming now.

My blessings, he is a whirling dervish.

He's flying, Arthur!

Slow down, Fitz!

He's dangerous, Arthur.

My blessings, he isn't going to stop. Fitz! Fitz!

Call emergency. Someone call emergency.

Wake

What was he thinking?

Brain fade.

Bizarre accident, Arthur. Fitz looked as though he saw a ghost!

Had he been cycling at his normal speed, he would never have made it over the curb.

Must have been those vitamins.

Vitamins?

Fitz absolutely swore by them. Vitamins and some pick-me-up capsule.

Never knew he took them.

They've done me a ton of good. I tried to get Muriel to take them.

How is she?

First the move, then this and she was already feeling a little unlike herself. Started the night of the soirée. She's lying down now.

How are you, Johnny? Fitz took a shine to you. Where's Jerome?

I'll be okay, thanks Dr Newcombe. Jerome felt ill.

Too much stimulation got his heart up, I'll bet, Hugo.

I suppose we won't be needed here anymore.

Both of you can spend the extra time on my place, Johnny.

Perhaps, I could have Fitz's chambers, Paul. They're bigger than mine.

Really, Professor Barnabus?

Yes, of course, Arthur. Once we sort out... whatever needs to be sorted. Frankly, I've never dealt with this kind of thing.

None of us have. Usually, we die in our sleep. Except Chatsworth.

Chatsworth? What happened to him?

The story goes that Chats returned from Vimy with a grenade and blew himself to smithereens. In this room, I believe. Before my time, of course.

Professor Fitzgerald wouldn't commit suicide.

I believe you are right, Hugo.

My God. Do you suppose he overdosed on the vitamins?

I've never seen vitamins here, Dr Newcombe.

Me neither.

Strange, he told me he was positively sold on them.

He sold me on Melville, too, but Fitz never read him. Fitz was an eccentric. Even on the hottest June days, he lectured in cap and gown.

So the vitamins couldn't have been the problem? Good. I'm sold on them.

Who'll teach World Lit?

Oh my! I guess that will be me.

Too bad your son is already working.

Johnny, you are inspired. That's it. Elihu is the perfect choice to take Fitz's place.

They have the same first name. The same odd, sorry, unusual first name.

No worries, Johnny. I thought the name was odd, too. Muriel insisted on it. It came to her in a dream, she said. Romantic nonsense. You know how women are.

No.

No.

Strange, even a vague physical resemblance. Fitz was never in...

...never been anywhere. Came here when he was Hugo's age. And stayed. Doesn't even leave at end of term.

Good. Good.

That's who young Newcombe reminds me of! Young Fitz. Well, naps all round?

Yes. And perhaps a pick-me-up. Fitz never left campus?

Only for cycling and our annual outing to Cathcart.

I must go. I have reading to do. I got the syllabus from Mr Todson yesterday.

Good lad.

Do you want me tomorrow morning, Dr Newcombe?

I'll leave the door unlocked.

Mrs Newcombe is leaving again?

I expect so. Save me a seat for breakfast, Johnny.

Yes, sir. Good-bye Professor Barnabus, Dr Newcombe.

Nice lad.

Hope we don't ruin him.

The Right Chamber

Get the garbage, Fortis.

I'll straighten the front room. Dr Newcombe, should I straighten your papers? Dr Newcombe.

Probably sleeping late, Hugo.

Dr Newcombe. Fortis! Dr Newcombe is...

Dead?

Not again!


News for Barney

What about Dr Newcombe?

He's dead.

Not again!

I don't think he ever died before, Professor Barnabus.

Very droll, Hugo. Call the authorities-- again-- while I make myself presentable.

You're sure he's dead, Fortis, not just hanging on?

Rigor mortis.

Definitely beyond any mortal help then.

Way beyond.

Suspicion

I shouldn't wonder if your parents order you back home, Hugo.

Most of us are here...

Still that way, uh? I thought most modern parents were all squishy.

Most are, Professor Barnabus.

What's on your mind, Hugo? Difficulties with the Russian authors?

No, sir.

Boys not bothering you are they? That Dunlop is full of himself.

No. No, everything is fine.

But?

I've been thinking about things.

Fitz and Newcombe?

Dr Newcombe, actually. I haven't sorted out the facts for Professor Fitzgerald, yet.

What have you thought?

Dr Newcombe was murdered!

No, can't be. Medics said he had a dicky ticker.

Poison.

How?

The vitamins.

The detective took the pills. Just vitamins and ginseng. Sorry, Holmes, you've deduced a cipher.

The pills were just vitamins?

And a harmless ginseng concoction. I have it from an unimpeachable source.

I glad.

Because, if the vitamins were the cause of Newcombe's death, Fitz would be a prime suspect.

Yes. Only I can't figure out why Professor Fitzgerald died.

Besides being sliced like a cucumber?

I know that part. But why did he shoot through the stop sign?

Brain fade, as Fitz would say.

Why do brains fade?

Alcohol, drugs, emotion, distraction...

...distraction. He was distracted.

He never missed the Boston creme at Hamlet's. Every Tuesday. He was hurrying to catch up and...

..distraction.

But that raises the question why? He was getting over his disappointment of the headmastership.

Like he got over the disappointment of losing at chess 50 years ago? Sir.

Perceptive, young Hugo, perceptive. But Fitz was a quiet man. A reader. He didn't even write a lot anymore.

But he had been active. Years ago. Varsity rowing team.

That's years ago, Hugo.

He saw something which scared him.

Newcombe said Fitz looked as if he saw a ghost. So that doesn't help.

Unless he saw a ghost.

Supernatural goings on at Old Ivy! I don't think so, Hugo.

Neither do I, Dr Barnabus.


Rosencrantz and Jerome

Hugo, Hugo!

Fortis? I thought you weren't coming back.

This place grows on me. Like a wart. I was worried about you.

Like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Yes, I guess I can worry enough for two people.

I've been mulling this ghost thing over and over.

Ghosts don't really exist, Hugo.

Mmmmm.

They don't, do they? Hugo?

No, they don't, Fortis! You are a genius!

Mother told me I might not get back in time. You've gone crazy!

The Ghost

Are you busy, Professor Barnabus?

Honestly, Hugo, I became a professor in order not to be busy.

I think Professor Fitzgerald saw someone who was supposed to be a ghost.

Carry on.

Dr Newcombe was supposed to die.

So Fitz could take his place.

No. Revenge.

Yes. For fifty years of work gone to Hell.

Yes.

But Fitz died first.

He thought he poisoned Dr Newcombe and he hadn't.

Hugo, this is dangerous talk.

Yes, sir.

Could ruin the school, Hugo.

Yes, sir.

You are a Haller?

Don't Hallers love the truth?

We're supposed to.

Do you think Professor Fitzgerald could...

Fitz did not like to finish second. You heard the chess story.

But a lot of people are like that. Dunny, for instance.

You don't want Fitz to be guilty, do you?

No, sir.

I know Fitz was very disappointed. He worked for that job since he was twenty-five maybe younger. But...

It's a big step.

Big step?

From disappointment to suicide.

Suicide?

I mean murder. Disappointment to murder.

Yes. Very astute, Hugo.

Do you think Dr Newcombe could have been poisoned at the welcoming party?

No, why even suggest that, Hugo?

Well, Dr Newcombe said his wife got sick that night.

And Fitz did, too.

He did?

Yes, he wasn't there a half hour. I was just entering the Great Hall and he was leaving.

I saw him leave.

You did?

Fortis and I were sneaking over to the bike shed. We saw Professor Fitzgerald and jumped into the bushes to hide from him.

Fitz never came back. And the brandy was indeed flowing like the waters of Avon.

Just before the half-seven chimes, I heard a scream or wail.

From where?

Either here, or Dr Newcombe's chamber.

The Newcombes were all in the Great Hall, Hugo.

Detection

You there. What are doing up here?

I'm the chamber boy. I tidy up the rooms.

Are there other chamber boys?

There was another boy but he went home. Shouldn't you ask my name?

What's your name?

Hugo, Jonathan.

Well, Mr Jonathan.

My name's Jonathan Hugo.

You said Hugo Jonathon.

Last name first, first name last. It's tradition here, sir. What's your name?

Stick. Richard. Detective.

Call me Hugo, Detective Stick

You come here every day, Hugo?

Every day to Professor Fitzgerald's chambers. If Mrs Newcombe was away, I tidied up Dr Newcombe's chambers.

Is Mrs Newcombe away a lot?

They only arrived two weeks ago and I've only seen her once.

Who was here before?

Dr Cooper. He died.

When?

Three weeks ago. He died in his bed.

You found him?

Yes, sir.

Professor Fitzgerald, did you find him, too?

No. He died in town. Didn't you read the newspaper?

I just started this job. How did Fitzgerald die?

He rode his bike through the library window.

Yes, I read that. He missed the traffic deflection device.

He almost hit one of the posts.

Almost counts for nothing. And... Newcombe?

He had a heart attack.

Said who?

The emergency people.

And Cooper?

He was ninety.

I don't know why the desk sent me here. Accident, heart attack and old age. Co-incidences.

Except, that Dr Newcombe said that Professor Fitzgerald looked as though he had seen a ghost just before he crashed.

He runs a stop sign. Last second, his brain kicks in. I'd go white, too.

He didn't say 'go white', he said 'saw a ghost'.

Artsy types. They flower everything up. Okay, nothing to detect here. Thank you, Mr Hugo.

May I have your card?

Card? Oh yes. No. I don't have a card yet.

Should I just call the department and ask for you?

Why would you be calling? I don't tutor algebra.

In case I find something.

About? This? There's nothing here. Three completely co-incidental deaths. Now run along and do your chamber boy stuff.

Yes, sir.

Adding up

Detective Stick?

Yeah. Who this?

Jonathon Hugo.

Jonathon Hugo? Oh, chamber boy.

Yes, sir. I found something.

Look, John... Hugo, there's no crime.

I found a red pill in Dr Newcombe's garbage.

And?

Well, the dispenser had eight pills left. We assume Dr Newcombe took the other six.

Yeah. Two each day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

The report said there were thirty-six pills still in the bottle, which originally held fifty pills.

Fourteen plus thirty-six is fifty.

Plus the one that I found in the garbage makes fifty-one.

Fifty, fifty-one, so what?

I'm not sure.

Maybe he dropped it and threw in the garbage. Artsy people are finicky as cats. We tested all the pills. Dispenser and the bottles.

Well, not all the pills.

Okay, not the one you found.

Or the ones Dr Newcombe took.

I gotta get back to work, Hugo. Leave this alone, okay kid?

You would want to hear about evidence, right, Detective Stick?

Evidence, yes but there isn't any.

Photographic Memories

Hello, Hugo. You are turning into my best customer.

Good morning, Dr Todson. Can I see the stuff from Professor Fitzgerald's room?

Again? You've gone through the papers. I'm not sure where his other stuff went.

Nothing else?

I've been through the papers, too. Just literary criticism. Books are just what you'd expect for a professor of English. Nice collection of Shakespeare. Russian authors. Old year books.

Year books?

Ivy Hall volumes from the last fifty years.

Oh.

I found Fitz's university year book.

Can I see that?

Sure. Is it important?

Not sure.

Here it is. That's Fitz. Handsome devil, wasn't he?

Was he a member of any clubs?

There's a directory.

Chess. Yes, there he is. And chemistry. What is a chemistry club? Why would he be a member of that?

Judging from the photo to meet pretty girls.

Odd.

Fitz was odd. He was on the rowing team, too. Varsity. Look.

He was very lean in those days.

A different man entirely, Hugo. That's 40 years ago.

Dr Todson!

What, Hugo?

Who is that?

A very pretty woman. Let's see Muriel Young, secretary of the chemistry club. That's why Fitz joined, I'd say, pretty girls.

Does she remind you of Muriel Newcombe?

Hugo, I think you're right.

He never let on.

Neither did she. Awkward, of course. It was a long time ago.

Did you meet, Elihu Newcombe, Dr Todson?

Yes, at the welcoming party, briefly.

Do you think he looks like Professor Fitzgerald's picture?

I'd say...yes. Hugo, this is dangerous stuff.

The truth is always dangerous.


The chamber was spun

Detective Stick, it's Hugo. Professor Fitzgerald and Muriel Newcombe knew each other.

Why does that matter?

They said they didn't know each other.

Why'd they do that?

They were lovers. And Dr Newcombe's son looks like a young Professor Fitzgerald.

Not evidence but interesting. I interviewed Mrs Newcombe. At her son's home, actually. If it's murder, I'd say she didn't do it.

Mmmm. That only leaves Professor Fitzgerald.

And he was killed three days before Newcombe died. Mrs Newcombe was sedated after Fitz's funeral. And was under custodial care even at the funeral of her husband. She couldn't have done it. You need a living suspect or at least one living at the time of the alleged murder, Mr Hugo.

No more suspects.

.. or a time bomb. You need to do more thinking, Hugo.

Purchase Receipt

Hello, boys. Hugo, I found a box containing Fitz's receipts. They go back to his first days here. And a box with his kettle, tea cup, and so on.

Thanks for looking, Dr Todson.

Have fun. I've some articling to do. He roped you in, too, Fortis?

Mother says I'm naturally curious.

Perhaps we can find the missing piece.

Why would anyone keep a receipt for poison, Hugo?

Fortis, why would anyone keep receipts for 50 years?

Good point, Hugo.

We should start most recent and work back, right?

Unless Fitz poisoned others in the past!

That's a thought.

Come on, Fortis. Sort through that.

He doesn't really buy a lot. Tea, coco, biscuits, a few cigars, books mostly.

A tire replacement. He must have a fortune in the bank. He hardly spends anything. Ah, new shoes, last year.

Let's look further back.

I'm going to get a drink from Cookie. You want one?

We can't drink here.

After that bike ride, we can do anything, Hugo!

Bring a chocolate bar, too, then.

Later

Chocolate milk and chocolate bars!

What kept you? You've been gone nearly two hours.

Oh, Washer wanted to know all the details about the ride.

Washer?

The guy with the funny eyes. He washes the dishes.

His name's Washer?

No! Any progress, Hugo?

Nothing. Fitz lead a very cheap life.

Are you done?

Got one more packet to look at but the receipts were a dud.

Where did Cookie hide these chocolate bars?

Staff use only!

Fortis, you are becoming a criminal mastermind. Did you kill Dr Newcombe?

No, I liked him. Allenby tempts me though.

Fortis, I've found something!

What? What?

Look!

I'm looking. What am I looking at?

The Last Will and Testament of Elihu Kilkenny Fitzgerald.

Kilkenny? As if 'Elihu' wasn't odd enough!

Listen to this! I, Elihu...

Yeah skip that. Get to the good stuff.

Do hereby leave my entire estate to Elihu Newcombe.

Why? This makes no sense.

But it does, Fortis. Elihu Newcombe is Fitz's son. And this will is dated the day after the welcoming party.

Then Fitz committed suicide?

No. I still think his death is accidental. But I'm sure now he poisoned
Dr Newcombe.

But you can't prove it.

Right.

Stick will be interested in the will, though.

Perhaps. He seemed a little more interested that last time I spoke with him.

What did he say?

I needed a new suspect.

Who?

I suppose Allenby.

Let's pin it on him!

Stick said I needed a new suspect or a time bomb.

The pill dispenser is the time bomb, Hugo.

Yes! And it didn't go off on time. Why?

Fitz put the pill in the wrong chamber.

No. Dr Newcombe did.

Newcombe committed suicide?

No. The day Fitz came over to shave, Newcombe had a problem with the dispenser. It came apart and spilled out the pills.

And he put it together and mixed up the poison pill.

Yeah.

Did Fitz know the dispenser came apart?

He wasn't there when it happened. He'd already left Dr Newcombe's place.

So Fitz is late Tuesday on the ride. And is racing to catch up. Why was he late?

I don't know.

To see Mrs Newcombe.

No, that would place him at the scene of the crime. His best alibi would have been to leave with the others.

Maybe it was suicide. Maybe he had to make it look like an accident to collect insurance. I saw that on TV once.

He was only a few minutes late.

Perhaps he couldn't find his shoes. He looked drunk when we saw him.

When was the will dated?

The day he died.

That's it. He pulled it out of his desk and wrote in the part about Elihu Newcombe.

Why? If he wasn't suicidal, he didn't need to do that. He could have waited.

And Fitz thinking...

Newcombe has taken the pill on Tuesday...

...thinks he sees a ghost and barrels into the library window.

Holy Snapperoo!

Then Newcombe takes the poison four days later.

But we can't prove the poison pill existed, Hugo.

There must be a clue in Fitz's stuff.

You've looked through all of it.

Yeah. Let's take the will to Dr Todson.

Hey, it was fun. I suppose we have to get back to normal now.

Do you think Young Newcombe will get hired?

I don't know. But Old Barney thinks Allenby will be the new head master!

Two hours of calculus nightly!

All we need is another poisoned pill. We know how to pull it off!

Fortis, I think your mother needs to have a long talk with you.

Call
Hugo? It's Detective Stick.

I didn't expect you to call. Mr Grammatika excused me from class.

Not quite tradition, I suppose?

No.

Listen, thanks for finding the will. It clears up a few things.

You're welcome, Detective.

Anything else?

No, the receipts were old and ordinary.

No arsenic or plutonium pills?

No, sir.

Drop by sometime and I'll show you around. You got a good head for
forensics.

I would like that! Oh, I did find the time bomb you mentioned.

Time bomb?

You said I needed a new suspect or a time bomb.

Oh yeah. So?

The poison was in the pill dispenser.

If there was a poison.

Okay. But Fitz acted like he saw a ghost because Dr Newcombe was
supposed to have taken the poison on Tuesday.

Why didn't he?

Because the dispenser came apart.

And Newcombe scrambled the order!

Yep.

The Chief won't order an autopsy unless I find a poison.

There was nothing in the dispenser?

Nothing. Clean as a whistle. Except for trace nicotine.

I don't think Dr Newcombe smoked. Fitz did.

I think there was trace nicotine in the trash from Newcombe's bathroom, too.

Fitz was in the bathroom just before the dispenser came apart.

How do you know this, Hugo?

I was there to tidy up. Fitz said his light bulb burned out and he came over to shave. Only, he didn't stay long enough to shave.

Long enough to replace a pill?

Probably.

Did Fitz smoke a lot?

I never saw him smoke. But he made a few references to cigars in class. The staff room always smelled of cigars.

Here's the report. Yep, trace nicotine and shaving soap in trash. Trace nicotine. Oh, and trace shaving soap on the dispenser.

Trash Thinking

Fortis, did you take a light bulb out in Fitz's trash?

I don't know. I never looked. Why?

Fitz said the light burned out that day he shaved at Newcombe's.

Yeah.

And it was working the day of the wake.

Our fearless janitor, Brooms, must have replaced it.

Fitz liked a brighter light than the ones Brooms used. I heard him say that most of the profs buy their own.

If he replaced it...

...he has the receipt!

Back to the library, Hugo. Old Todson will be tired of seeing us soon.

Library Replay

Did you find a receipt?

Yeah. Look.

So he wasn't lying about the burned out bulb?

Back to square one.

Maybe not. This receipt is a few months old.

He might have bought a few bulbs and just used the last one.

Yeah. Okay. That's it. Nothing more to look at.

There's his kitchen stuff.

What kitchen?

You know his kettle, cup. The stuff he hid in his room.

Here it is. Yep kettle, cup, culture dish, coco, tea...

What?

Tea.

Before that.

Ummmm coco.

No, culture dish.

Yeah, culture dish. Ouch.

What?

Nicked my finger on his cheese slicer.

You didn't say he had a cheese slicer.

I'm telling you now. He had a cheese slicer. A sharp one.

Why would Fitz have a culture dish?

It got some sticky stuff in it and it smells like an ashtray.

Ashtray. Nothing else?

No, unless the tea bags or coco is poison. This is the end of the road for Fortis and Hugo, homicide detection!

Fitz's place never smelled of cigars.

So?

So, why would he need an ashtray?

I didn't say it was an ashtray. I said, it smells like an ashtray.

If it smells like an ashtray it is an ashtray.

Hugo, why would he make an ashtray out of a culture dish? They are too small to hold a cigar.

A culture dish is used for experiments. And Fitz was experimenting with...

Tobacco.

To prove what?

That tobacco really does cause lung cancer. I don't know.

Fortis, your finger is turning red.

Oh... it's turning black too!

That's the crud from the culture dish.

Are you allergic to anything, Fortis?

No. I don't feel too good. I feel clammy, Hugo.

Be brave. Dr Todson! Dr Todson!

Did you find the receipt, boys?

No, Dr Todson. I think Fortis needs medical attention.

I call Coach Major.

We need a doctor!

Coach is a doctor, a physician.

I wondered why he gave out pills.

Diagnosis

What is this black stuff, Hugo?

I think it's tobacco tar, Coach.

I thought so. Young Fortis is lucky we got this early. Nicotine poisoning can kill in a few minutes if the dose is high enough.

How high?

For a person your size, about thirty milligrams.

For an adult?

Twice that. About the amount from a small cigar.

Holy snap, Hugo! We...

...we had a close call.

Were you smoking?

No Coach. We, er Fortis stuck his finger in an ashtray.

Why?

Just seemed like fun, Coach.

I've cleaned the cut. If you feel sick, nausea, diarrhea, clamminess, dizzy --anything-- call me. Who's on watch tonight?

Marshall, sir.

Marshall? Hugo, he'll let me die.

I'll stay up and watch you, Fortis.

I'll stay with the boys, Coach.

Fine, Todd. I'll call in first thing in the morning.

Dorm

Hugo... Hugo.

What? Hush up.

Why did you shut me up?

I want to think about turning in Fitz.

Why?

Elihu might find out that Fitz is his real dad.

It's hard to lose a dad.

He'd have lost both dads.

And he'd wonder about his mom, too.

Yep, he'd have lost everything.

Mother would want me to turn him in.

What would your father say?

He left last year.

Sorry, I wondered why you never said anything...

My father traveled a lot. What if Fitz isn't the...one?

Fortis, we have the evidence. Method, opportunity, motive.

I'm still hoping Allenby might be the one.

Allenby's not so bad.

Neither was Fitz. He could have ratted us out about the ride.

They all knew.

Still a hundred laps was bad enough.

If I turn in Fitz, Dr Newcombe is still dead.

Oh, yeah. What about Stick?


Last Call

Detective Stick?

Hugo! Any clues?

No. I thought Fitz lied about the light bulb but I found a receipt for light bulbs. So everything is just as you said, coincidences, only coincidences.

The Chief just needed one more piece. You got him leaning with the news about the Newcombe's wife and Fitz. One more little piece and we'd get an autopsy.

No, you were right all along, Detective Stick.

Too bad. It was getting interesting, Hugo.

Sometimes you find out stuff that doesn't help, any one.

Drop by, Hugo. You got a head for this.

But not the heart for it, Detective Stick. Not the heart for it.

The Road Back

Hugo!

Benson! I thought you'd already be lost to Shakespeare for the summer.

And I thought you'd be staying all summer. Sling your stuff in the back and ride up front.

Still got a body in the trunk?

Of course! How's Young Newcombe?

Every day it's Think! Think! Think!

Sounds like Old Fitz! Must be part of the tradition.

It runs in the Ivy Hall family.

Yeah. So you're going home?

Just for the summer. I got a little homesick.

















The End of the Road

Ivy hall? Hey, kid, you going to Ivy hall?

Yeah, I'm going to walk, thanks.

Walk? Walk? Up that hill? Kid, hop in.

It doesn't look so bad.

Not real steep, for sure, but it's two miles long. Fun coming back down, though. Your folks shipping your bike?

Maybe. How much is this?

Nothing, pro bono. Let me put that case in the back. Ride up here with me. The trunk's got a body in it. Kidding.

Funny. I think I can walk.

Come on. Inspiring view, uh. Like it was painted by that madman, dear Vincent. You know Vincent, right?

Van Gogh.

Yeah. You just missed it. At dawn. Wow.

I heard it was sorta old fashioned.

Shakespearean! It's Shakespearean. The Globe. Shakespeare's my thing. I just got back from Stratford. My Bard's wardrobe is in the trunk. Really. This taxi gig is just to keep body and soul together. Ya, know?

Something wrong with your car?

No? Oh! No! Just set her on leisure cruise. Gates don't open for fifteen minutes.

Gates?

Yeah, gates. You didn't know about the gates?

Know what?

Ivy Hall is locked except to let the profs out for their morning bike ride.

What?

Yeah, they ride down Eidolon Road here, turn back there where I picked you up before they hit the plate glass of the library window and proceed down Hamlet Street which curves back to Ivy. It's downhill most of the way.

Is that possible?

When they arrive at the base of Mount Academia, they get hauled up with their bikes in a cargo elevator. Three hundred steps to the top!

Sounds like fun.

Only profs ride the cargo elevator.

I thought so.

Hey, in winter you get to skate. You skate, right?

I guess.

You'll like it. They skate at Cathcart School for Girls.

Cathcart Collegiate is a school for girls?

Yep, and you get to skate there every day in the winter. Course, they lock the girls up at that time.

Sounds like jail.

Well, you'll be out in six or seven years. Unless you decide to become a prof. Then it's for life.

Do they let us out?

Sure. You mean daily? Weekends, Saturday you can go into town. Classmen sneak over to Cathcart all the time.

No one told me about this. Can I go back to the station?

They'll just send you back, won't they?

They?

Your folks. You show up and they stick you on the next bus. Right?

I guess.

Might as well suck it up. It ain't so bad. I went here ten years ago.

Learned to love Shakespeare. Shakespeare, that's my thing.

Yeah.

You like Shakespeare?

Hamlet seemed real.

Yep, Shakespeare's my thing. Old Fitz is responsible for that.

Old Fitz?

Professor Fitzgerald. He's still here. I see him coasting down the hill, mornings. Shakespeare and World Lit.

Nice teacher, uh?

Nice? No. But he forced me to read and think. He's a tough son of...a gun. Think, think, think.

Uh?

Fitz's war cry--Think! Think! Think!

Wow!

Yeah, that's quite a dip on that side of the road, uh? Here they come.

That's Fitz on that old clunker bike. He's had that for 50 years.

He looks normal, sort of.

They all do. Hey, Professor Fitzgerald.

Hello, Benson! Got a new recruit, have you?

Yes, sir, professor!

That's me, uh?

Yeah. Well, this is the end of the road. I'm Benson, David Benson.

I'm Jonathon Hugo.

Hugo, glad to meet you.

Thanks, Mr Benson.

Just Benson, Hugo. It's tradition!

Thanks, Benson. I have some money.

No, that's fine. Old Fitz pays me.

He does? Why?

To keep my body and soul together, so I can have my Shakespeare thing during the summers. He doesn't have anyone. No family.

Did they all die?

No. Professors have to be bachelors.

Why?

Tradition. Must be a reason written down somewhere, you'd think.

You'd think.

Hey buck up, Hugo. I came when I was your age about eleven...

Twelve.

Twelve. You'll spend a year less here than I did. And I did fine. The time will go like zippety-doodah. Out, out, brief candle!

I've been in worse places, I guess.

Well, this is the end of the road, Hugo.

It looks like it.

Take your stuff through those doors and report to Madam. She'll sort you out.

Madam who?

Just Madam. She's the only female on campus. She'll sort you out. Just don't say much but listen to everything she says.

Thanks...

You'll do fine, Hugo. Got to run.

Bye, Benson... thanks...I think.

The Method

Gentlemen, welcome to Ivy Hall School for Boys. I'm Professor Fitzgerald and I will develop your feeble minds into powerful engines of thought through the study of the Literature of the World. We will study European Literature from about 1800. I include Russia in the study. We will study major and minor authors.

Although they are minor authors, all of them reached their majority.

Uh?

Although they are minor authors, all of them reached their majority.
The boys liked your little joke, Hornblower. An active group this year, wouldn't you say?

I would, sir.

Will you be as active intellectually, this year?

I will, sir.

Why study literature? You there with the distracted look. Next to Mr Hornblower.

Me?

Yes. Name.

Frank...

...surname first, Christian name last.

...Dunlop, Franklin. My mom calls me Frankie.

Does she? She calls you for supper, too, no doubt. Well, Dunlop--why study literature?

I have to.

Do you indeed? Hornblower had to, only he didn't, did you Hornblower?

I did not, sir.

Not much thought in that answer, Dunlop. Any thoughts Mr Hornblower?

Yes, sir. Lots of them.

Any that do not involve the young ladies of Cathcart Collegiate?

I fear not many, sir.

Gentlemen, save the war whoops for outside. Your thoughts on the reason to study literature, Hornblower.

Because it is essential for a complete education.

Oh you were proud of that one, Hornblower. Can someone build a sentence for Mr Hornblower's lonely clause? Name.

Hugo, Jonathon. We study literature because it is an essential part of a complete education.

Well done, Hugo. Hornblower, no more point form notes. Let's get it right this year.

I will get it right, sir.

Deep in thought, Dunlop?

Yes, Professor.

Share it, Dunlop.

I was wondering about the young ladies at Cathcart, sir.

Be done with those Bacchanalian cravings until Christmas pageant time.

Christmas?

Disappointment duly noted, gentlemen. But mercifully, it comes only once a year.

You don't like Christmas, sir?

Christmas is fine. It's Cathcart's invasion of Ivy Hall I object to.

I think an invasion might not be too bad, sir.

Well, you're young and jazzed up, as you lads say.

Jazzed up, sir?

Oh, yes. Same every year.

Shouldn't we be getting on with the show, professor?

Right you are, Hornblower. Perhaps this is why I retained you.

If it is sir, could I be excused from the assignments?

Mr Hornblower, you are a dreamer.

I am a dreamer, sir. But the show, sir?

I will conjure items from my pocket. Perhaps one of you might identify the particular object.

A ballpoint pen, sir.

Astute. No doubt you've used one.

Many times, sir.

Will you be using it in my class?

I will...

If the next word is 'not', you are correct, Dunlop.

Ballpoints belong here. In the trash.

And what is this?

A pencil, sir.

Who said that?

Coleman, Donald, sir.

Pencils are a fine invention. Suitable for notes in this class, Coleman?

No?

Is that a question, Coleman?

No. No, pencils are not suitable.

And?

And...and..and belong in the trash!'

You had us on the edge of our seats, Coleman.

The whole seat feels like an edge, sir.

Very astute, Dunlop. I suppose you will not be sleeping in this class.

Not in these desks, sir.

Oh, don't be too sure. Hornblower had many a fine sleep last year, didn't you Hornblower?

I did so, sir. Like a baby, sir.

And this delightful object?

Send it to the trash, sir.

Ah, a quick thinker. Name?

Fortis, Jerome, sir.

Well done, Fortis.

Where might ballpoints and pencils and markers and crayons be used?

Anywhere, sir. Anywhere, except in your class, sir.

Brilliant. Hornblower, no notes in crayon this year.

Just to my mother, sir. She likes my drawings to be colored.

Is it true we can't use lined paper?

Of course not, Dunlop. Use lined paper to line a bird cage or to fold into an airliner.

I was thinking for making notes.

By all means, Dunlop. Send notes to your mother on lined paper. Just don't send them to me.

Now view this vast slate as depicting your ignorance. No slouching, Mr Ouilette. A straight back produces a straight mind.

Just trying to get comfortable, sir.

There will be none of that, either.

No fear of that, sir.

Note the graceful cursive, gentlemen. 'A Hero in our Time' by Mikhail Lermontov. This reading is to be done for next class. Speak with Mr Todson, our librarian, about copies.

What do we do?

Ah, a sad lament bursts forth. Name?

Rich...Buchan, Richard, sir.

We will discuss the themes, motifs, and symbols of the book.

What's a motif?

Good question, eh Hornblower? Have you ever heard such a good question?

I have heard a better question, sir. What's a dictionary for?

Hornblower, that is a much better question. Buchan, do you suppose you might ask Mr Todson to point out the dictionaries for you?

Aren't teachers supposed to teach?

Yes, but teachers are not supposed to wipe the drool from your face, Buchan, that's your mother's job.

Ouch!

Mr Hornblower, what have you been told about missiles in class? Although you do seem to have caught young Buchan's attention.

Prof just taught you the secret of answers, Buchan.

Hornblower, I do believe I have struck pure gold with you!

I am pure gold, sir.

A year late, alas.

Alas, that too, sir.

Buchan, lead the class to the library. Get all the wonderful stuff you need.

Which way is...It's okay, sir, I will ask Hornblower.

What a brilliant teacher I am! Wouldn't you agree, Mr Buchan?

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow morning at half-eight, gentlemen. Happy reading. Leave like gentlemen not louts! And think, think, think!

Hugo, come for tea tonight in my chambers, half-seven.

Yes, sir. Shall I bring school work?

Not necessary, Hugo.

I'll see you at half-seven, professor.

The Motive

First day of term! I cherish first day of term. A toast to Ivy Hall
School for Boys!

A toast to Hallers everywhere!

Long live Ivy Hall!

Wait, wait.

Not toasting, Allenby?

I've run out of brandy, Sipes!

Mr Grammatika, more brandy for the troops!

And cigars all round!

Oh, Barney, I absolutely love First Day of Term!

We must have a little confab, Fitz.

What's up?

Madam says the Old Goat is about to make a decision.

About?

About? What else could it be about? He is going to appoint you Head Master!

That's....

Your life's goal, Fitz.

But the Old Goat has fooled us before.

He hasn't left his room all summer. He can't go on much longer. Just reviewing the names on the class lists required a nap break.

So he's ready for pasture, is he?

He's been a good old goat.

He has preserved the great traditions of Old Ivy. To Dr Cooper.

Shush, Fitz. For our ears only.

Does Allenby know?

No one knows but us. I don't think Allenby has the slightest interest in a headmastership. Madame says he abhors the administrivia as he calls it.

He may well abhor the work but not the status. Headmaster, is quite a feather in a man's cap.

I suppose.

How do you know this, Barney?

Madame says the board minutes listed headmaster position as a topic of discussion.

So it's official. How do you wheedle this out of the redoubtable Madame?

Oh, I didn't.

Who then?

Johnnie Walker!

Good work, Barney! I must get prepared. I imagine there'll be some interview, a show trial, of sorts.

Yes, and then a coronation with wines, cheeses, and all the traditional toasts for a new headmaster.

I wonder what they are? I hope the Old Goat remembers them.

Todson will have them catalogued, you bet.

You've been a great friend, Barney. I will make you Head of Studies. Professor Arthur Xavier Barnabus, Head of Studies. Has a nice ring, eh, Barney?

That's an old dream, Fitz. Make me permanent study hall proctor, so I can sleep over a good book.

You don't want Head of Studies?

Not for years and years. I have only small wishes now. You need a young man for Head of Studies. Perhaps LeMoyne or Sipes. Although, they're getting on, too. Where is the time going to, Fitz?

Well, if you should change your mind, Barney, just say so.

I would but I won't. You still want the Headmastership, don't you?

I gave up too much not to.

I often wonder if taking a wife might not have been so bad. I could have worked at other august institutions or even in a public one!

Heaven forbid. Old Ivy is our bride and family, Barney.

Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. I'm just wondering if...

I must prepare. Headmaster Fitzgerald. I had almost despaired of ever hearing it. Headmaster Fitzgerald.


Meet the Unwilling Accomplice

We have to eat together, too?

What are you whining about, Hazlitt?

I'm Ouilette, he's Hazlitt.

I'm not Hazlitt, he is, I'm Martin.

I need a pack mule for all these books. We even have to read for math!

Allenby, math, face like a cadaver. Borlasse, history...

...Barnabus is history. He was there when it was current events.

Borlasse, science, army boots. Do you want a sodding great boot up your backside? That's what he said.

What did you tell him?

No, because he looked like he meant it.

Borly is okay. Sipes, the artiste, he can be worse than a boot in
the ass. He'll keep encouraging you until you get it!

He smells like my grandmother. Kinda looks like her too.

Coach is all right. If you don't mind the drop and give me ten routine.

I mind.

You'll be meeting Grammatika, the tutor. He knows everything but he's not a doctor of philosophy yet. And Walters, the choir master.

Choir master?

Yeah, everyone sings in the choir. Everyone.

That's it?

Let see, Todson, you met him in the library. Monsieur Professor Pierre
Antoine LeMoyne. And of course, Fitzgerald.

He's creepy. Looking over those glasses like we were vermin.

He ain't bad.

He likes you, Hornblower.

He likes everyone. Most of the teachers here are...here to be helpful.

I'll never get a chance to know about that. I can't read all these books.

Listen up, Lang, everybody. See those primates over there? They're Classmen.

Big deal.

They think it's a big deal.

I'm going to get some lunch, if there's anything edible.

Listen Dunny, it doesn't work like that. First Classmen get lunch, the Form C, then Seconds, then us Nubs.

Classmen, Form C, Seconds, and Nubs? What kind of system is that?

It's been that way forever and that's the way it is.

Hornblower, this place is a museum.

Mausoleum, you mean.

I'll have to look that one up. Fontaine, right?

Yeah.

The Classmen are coming for a visit. Let me do the talking.

Mr Peters, we have some Nubby babies at our table.

You know where you belong, Quenville.

You aren't supposed to talk to us that way, Hornblower.

I didn't know that, perhaps you could teach me the rules, Quenny.

Hey, don't get smart with Mr Quenville.

I won't, Marshall. I wouldn't want to leave you stuck in stupid all by yourself.

What are you laughing at, Nub? You don't know jack.

He's Dunny. I'm Jack.

I was laughing at you, Classy-boy.

I'll be looking for you at the athletic field, four o'clock. What's your name, Nub? Dunny?

Dunlop, but you can call me Sir Dunlop.

Sit down, Dunlop. You guys can go back to your little club room.

Who made you boss, Hornblower? We can wipe the floor with you.

Which one of you wants to start?

We got no problem with you, Hornblower. It's shorty... Ow!

Dunlop! Sit down.

Step off, Quenville. I run the Nubs.

If that little peon comes near me, I'll pulp him.

Whatcha gonna do, sit on me, Ass-boy?

Dunlop, I'm gonna whack you, if you don't shut up. Got it?

Yeah. Yes, Hornblower.

Come on, Peters, Marshall.

Nice punch. Quenville's gonna have a black eye. He bruises like a
peach.

I didn't have my fist set right. I think I broke something.

Too bad. He'll be back. He's like an elephant--he never forgets to get even.

Dunlop, your hand's swelling up.

We'll ice it, then see what Coach thinks.

Come on, we'll get ice from Cookie.

Does it hurt, Dunny?

Only when I laugh. Haha.

You're one prime idiot, Dunny. Quennville and Peters will be looking for you.

What about the moose?

Marshall? Keep some candy in your pocket and talk nice and soft to him.

Coach

Come in.

Coach, Dunlop hurt his hand.

Hurt his fist you mean, Hornblower.

Yes, Coach.

Quenville just left. He has a bad headache.

Dunlop, you're a feisty one, taking on Quenville and his little band of rogues.

Is it broken?

No, but you'll feel it for a while. I'm going to give you a pain killer, Dunlop.

Thanks, Coach.

No more punching, Dunlop. At least until it heals.

Yes, sir.

Come spring, I want to see you on the boxing team.

Yes, sir!

You, too, Hornblower.

Oh yes, sir.

Capability

Knock, Knock, Knock. Who's there in the name of Beelzebub?

It's Hugo, Professor Fitzgerald, sir.

Come in, Hugo. No reason to be timid.

You invited me to tea?

Did you like the Shakespeare, Hugo?

Yes, sir. The gatekeeper from Macbeth.

Masterful! I prefer Macbeth to Hamlet. All that dithering.

Macbeth often acted in haste, sir.

But, he acted. Honestly, when I see Hamlet I want to cry out --get on with it, man!

Yes, professor.

Anyway, I think I have chosen the right man.

Macbeth?

You, Hugo.

For what, sir?

Time for all that, later. Come in and have a seat.

Uh...

Choices are rather limited.

I thought the professors would have bigger places. Sir.

We have our own bath, of course. Just through there.

Oh. It looks like a closet. Sir.

Not much larger, Hugo, not much at all. It's all compact. But I have everything I need. Books and a light by which to read them.

Yes. We have that in the dorm.

Do you like tea, Hugo?

I don't know. My grandma only let me have hot chocolate.

Hot chocolate it is.

How?

I keep a kettle. Mum's the word, Hugo.

Ye, sir.

I keep some biscuits, too.

Some of the boys do, too.

We all do, since the very first days of Old Ivy. It's a tradition.

Lots of tradition, here.

I brought this suitcase on my first day here. I was almost 11. My mother packed me coco and biscuits. My father put in a Bible. Grandmother knitted a scarf. My grandfather wanted me to take a pistol!

Why?

He thought teachers needed shooting at, once in a while! He gave me this compass, instead.

So you won't get lost.

I suppose.

That was the reason your dad gave you the Bible.

Of course. Gramps was disappointed the family wouldn't let him give me the pistol.

My gramps is a little strange, too, sir.

So hot chocolate, it is. I have creamy and extra creamy with marshmallows.

Marshmallows, please.

What do you want to make of your life, Hugo?

Not sure. My grandparents want me to be a doctor.

And you? Is that what you want?

I don't know yet.

I knew the day I got here that I wanted to be Head Master.

Oh.

Oh. What?

I heard you were ancient!

No, the Head Master is. Dr Cooper is ancient.

You're not Head Master?

No. Not yet!

I enjoy hot chocolate while reading Emily.

Dickinson?

Yes.

What are the ribbons for, sir?

Chess. I was blue ribbon every year but one.

What happened that year?

I got the influenza the day before and played sick. I finished second.

No ribbons for second, uh?

They gave me a nice red one. Made a big fuss, too.

I don't see it.

I burned it. Second place doesn't interest me, Hugo. Never has. Never will.

The kettle's boiling.

Never will. I had my sights set on winning.
I believe that little beggar infected me on purpose.

Who?

The little beggar who won that year.

The kettle is ready, Professor Fitzgerald.

Yes, that little beggar... Oh, the kettle, should have said something, Hugo. Burn Old Ivy down and I'd have nothing to be Head Master of.

Is that you up there, sir?

Oh yes. Fine sport, Hugo. The water here isn't suitable. That's the championship four. Great lads. On the river every morning.

Why did you say I was the right man?

The young ladies would come to watch.

Professor?

Hmmm.

Why am I the right man?

Because you are, Hugo. Never doubt that.

For what?

For chamber boy, Hugo. What did you think this all about?

No idea, sir. Less now.

Chamber boy. It's a paying job, Hugo. I bet that's interesting.

Yes, sir! What exactly do I do?

Chamber boy duties. Here, careful.

Thank you. Chamber boy duties?

Yes. Tidy up a bit and take out the trash. Laundry.

Laundry. I've never done that.

Just take it down the street and pick it up the next day. And you'll have help.

Help?

I'm meeting Fortis, too. Both of you will be chamber boys, too. You get along with Fortis?

I don't know yet. He seems okay. Has he accepted?

He will. His background is economically straitened.

When do I start?

I'll walk you through it now and you can start tomorrow. You'll do only this wing. Dr Cooper and me. Though he will be leaving us shortly, I believe. Should take about an hour each morning. Sundays off. Deal?

Deal.

How's the drink?

Very good. Perhaps, I'll be a professor.

It's a life worth the sacrifice. Yes. Worth the sacrifice. Yes.

I don't know what I would sacrifice.

Fate will pick out something, Hugo. It always finds something.

Oh, I got the reading from Mr Todson.

Yes, fate always finds something.

Chamber Duties

Professor Fitzgerald said not to knock on Dr Cooper's door.

Have you ever seen, Dr Cooper?

No, but Hornblower has.

Did you have tea with Fitzy, Hugo?

I had hot chocolate.

I had tea. It was awful. How'd you get hot chocolate?

I asked.

Mother would have told me to do that. She would have said 'Jerome, you need to speak up for yourself. Would your mother say that?

No. I speak up, usually.

Yes, I can tell. You asked for hot chocolate.

Well, let's get started. You first, Fortis.

Coop's sleeping soundly! I can hear him from the hall!

Open the window, Fortis. This place has old person stink.

My great-grandmother lived in a dark old cave that smelled like this.

Not much to do here. He seems to be very neat.

Mother would say he was well brought up. Old fashioned values.

Even Fitz says that Coop's ancient.

Fitzy is ancient, too!

Check the fridge. Fitz said Coop leaves milk in there for weeks.

Yep. Mother should see this. No, no, she shouldn't.

Do you always talk about your mother?

Only when I get nervous.

You aren't nervous in class. Or even around the Classmen.

I am prepared for class and unbelievably brave. I am shocked sometimes at my own bravery cause I'm chicken at heart.

Fortis, I think you are conflicted.

Mother said that. Oh, I...

Just take out the garbage. I'll get the laundry.

Dr Cooper sounds like he's snoring through a bullhorn, Hugo.

We should sit and wait for the place to air out a bit. Then do Fitz's place before he gets back from the ride.

Why does it take them an hour to coast four miles downhill?

They stop for coffee at Hamlet's Donut Cafe.

That's why they don't want us going with them. We'd spoil their morning coffee.

I would like to go on the ride, Fortis. The cabbie, Benson said it's downhill all the way.

Benson is a very weird man. I bet the body in his trunk is real.

You know him?

He was waiting for me. Hey boy, would you like some candy?

He offered candy?

No. But he gave me the creeps.

But you got in the cab?

Yeah, well it was a long way up the hill. Besides...he had candy.

Fortis, can you even figure yourself out?

Mother says I'm a like a ball of string.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

You never asked her?

Mother's explanations generally made things more confusing. She told me a story about birds and bees and I was hoping she'd tell me about Jackie.

Who's Jackie?

The girl next door. She had a nice bike.

We don't have bikes.

Some of the boys do. We could ask to borrow them.

Yeah. Perhaps we could ask for lunch money, too. And ice cream.

Perhaps we could go on a Saturday?

We probably couldn't borrow a bike then, Fortis.



A Plan

I've been thinking.

Good. About what?

About the fact we have no bikes.

It sounds like you wasted your time, Fortis. We already knew we don't have bikes.

Yes. But I think we could get some.

Borrow them from Coleman and Jack? Or Jackie, maybe?

Better. You know what would be more fun, Hugo?

What?

Stealing the profs' bikes and going at night.

Fortis, you are unbelievably brave. Or stupid.

It will be fun. I know how to do it.

One, the gates are locked. Two, the bike shed is locked. Three, the dorm is guarded by Classmen.

I've figured it out.

Okay but there's still Hornblower.

We'll invite him along, Hugo.

I don't think Hornblower wants to go bike riding with us.

The ride takes us right past Cathcart!

Mmmmm. That might interest him. What would your mother say about this?

Jerrrroooooommmmeeeee! Wait till your father gets home!

Let's get down to breakfast before Moose snorts through everything.

Cookie always saves us something, Hugo.

Yeah, whatever Moose doesn't want! I'm sure we had lawn thatch yesterday.


Dunny and Hugo

Hugo!

Dunny.

Don't call me that, chambermaid.

Hornblower calls you that.

Yeah, well you call me Sir Frank.

Sir Frank, short for Sir Frankfurter?

You twerp...

Any trouble here, Mr Dunlop? I was just looking for you.

No, Professor Allenby.

No, Professor Allenby, sir. Mr Dunlop.

Yes, sir, Professor Allenby.

Hugo?

No problem Dr Allenby, sir. Dunny and I were just discussing his C in
math, sir.

C? Dunlop, a C in my class?

That's what Dunny's aiming for now, sir.

Really, Dunlop?

Yes. Yes, sir.

Dunny knows he needs help and he came to me so as not to disappoint you, sir.

I've underestimated you...Dunny. You work with Hugo, here and I'll forestall this extra work and extra class. I'd rather be at the bowling green, too, on a Saturday.

I wish you never have to miss a game, Professor Allenby. Sir.

Do you think you can pound this into Dunny by mid-terms, Hugo?

I would enjoy pounding, Dr Allenby.

Very good, Hugo. Thank your stars that a man like Hugo is willing to help you, Dunny.

Yes, sir. I am very thankful. For your help, too, sir. Even though it didn't help. Sir. In the way you had hoped, sir.

Carry on. Dunny. Mr Hugo.

You little...

Careful. I'll squeal like a girl.

Now I have to work with you.

I saved your Saturday mornings, sneaking over to Cathcart.

Yeah. Yeah. Look keep this quiet, Hugo.

Sure, Dunny...Dunlop.

Hey, what do you do as the chamber maid...chamber boy?

Just tidy up. Not much to do at the Old Goat's. I think Allenby is doing most of it.

I heard he died and is just propped up in bed.

That's supposed to be a secret, Dunlop.

What? You jerk.

He's alive. He sleeps late and does papers in the afternoon.

What about Fitz's dump?

Just papers at Fitz's. A bag of laundry every week. He keeps everything neat. Squirrels away everything. He's got notes, and bills for everything he buys, everything he ever bought.

Mean old bastard. Pressing you to think it out gentlemen, Think it out! They sent me here to learn stuff. Not to hear 'think it out' every five seconds.

He's just particular.

Peculiar. Weirdly, peculiar.

He pays well and he always wants to chat. He's lonely.

Old queers. All of these bastards. He try anything fruity?

No. They're all weird but Fitz had a girlfriend. In ancient times.

It's all in his head. Who would be his girlfriend? Hunzilla!

He doesn't say. He calls her his sacrifice.

I knew it! He killed her!

Don't be stupid.

Right, she killed herself!

Metaphor, Dunlop.

I'm kidding. I'm not stupid just uninterested. This is the most uninteresting place my parents ever stuck me. Why are you here?

I'm an orphan.

Oh...

I poisoned my parents.

Metaphor, right. Right, Hugo? Metaphor?


The Road Ahead

What mischief is this?

Brake fade I suppose, Fitz.

Brain fade's more like it.

A barricade of posts is being put up next week, to stop this very thing.

Timing is everything, Barney. Any injuries?

The driver was very lucky not to be carved up like a Christmas goose.

They might do well to brick up that window!

Dash your brains out instead of slashing your throat. Not much of an improvement, Fitz.

Let's go. Only time for a quick coffee, this morning. Glorious day,
Barney.

Why were you held up today?

I stopped in to see the Old Goat.

How is he? I meant to look in but Allenby said he was sleeping.

Nodded off in mid-sentence nattering on about the board.

Coffee on you today, Fitz?

The Prize is in Sight

Good old Coop. Hardly anything to do here but open the window, Hugo.

Fortis, do you hear anything?

No. Should I?

Snoring?

No snoring. For the first time! Oh...

You better look, Fortis.

Why me?

You are unbelievably brave, remember?

Not when it comes to dead people.

We don't know he's dead.

But we think he is. Let's just air out the place and leave. Some one else will find him.

And if they don't. We'll find him again tomorrow and he will smell...worse than he does already.

You check him and I'll follow.

Maybe, I'll just call.

Good idea. Mother would say that was a good idea.

Dr Cooper. Dr Cooper, sir. Are you okay?

He's still asleep, see. Hugo. Let's take out the garbage and ask someone to look in on him.

That's a better idea. We'll ask Fitz.

Let's get out of here. This whole place is like a grave yard.

Spreading the News

Professor Fitzgerald! Professor!

Come in, Hugo, Fortis.

No, sir. You must come. It's Dr Cooper...he's...

..dead?

He sounds dead, sir.

Daydreams

Wonderful turnout for the Old Goat. I must get a comfy chair like this for my chambers.

Should I say esteemed colleagues?

Perhaps one for the study hall.

Or most esteemed?

The food was wonderful. The wine was wonderful. What are those wonderful bacon rolly things?

Most esteemed sounds a bit too much. Yet no one is likely to complain.

Rolly wonderful bacon things. My blessings, who was that woman who sang for the Old Goat?

On this esteemed occasion... too much esteem...

Wonderful voice. Wonderful hymn. Wonderfully short skirt, Fitz. For a funeral.

I'm trying to get just the right amount of esteem and humility. I thought I had this thing ready. I've been writing it for the last twenty years, Barney.

Wonderful funeral, though. You don't get a second chance with funerals. It's either wonderful and every one says, oh what a wonderful funeral. Why did he make us wait so long, it was so wonderful! Or it's disaster.

I'll sleep on it. Can't rush into things, unprepared.

I expect people would remember a disaster, too. But who wants to hear your funeral was not wonderful?

I expect notice about the headmastership, shortly.

Yes, it was, but she had wonderful legs. Fitz you should dust off that acceptance speech.

Yes, and sleep on it. What did Madame say about it all?

Oh, she thought it was wonderful. A bit aghast at how short that skirt was, though.

No, the headmastership.

That will be wonderful, too. Will we have the rolly bacony wonderful things, too? At your funeral... er... headmaster thing... and wine? Do you think that woman would sing at your headmastershipping?

Barney, what did Madame say about the Head Master's position?

She said soon it was all going to blow up. Big news, she said.

Big news. The board wants a little press. New Head Master takes over Old Ivy!

That's what Madame said. Big, big news.

She said big, big news?

Then she passed out. She's never done that before, Fitz.

Apocalypse

Fitz! Fitz, wait up. Fitz...Fitz...

Some trouble, Barney?

A...poca...lypse.

Apocalypse?

Worse. The board...

The board... go on.

The board is hiring... off campus!

For... head master?

Head... master.

I'll speak with Chairman Randolph.

Too late, Fitz. He's been hired.

The new Head Master? It can't be! Dr Cooper...

They wanted new blood, new ideas. Fitz, they are going to ruin Old Ivy.

Over my dead body, Barney. Who told you this?

Unimpeachable sources.

Madame?

Under the influence of Johnnie Walker.

The highest level.

Let's go to chambers, Fitz.

Fifty years, Barney. Fifty years to finish second.

The morning after

Fitz. You must get up. Be an example to young Hugo and Fortis, here. Fitz, come on.

I can't Barney. I just want to sleep, perchance to dream.

Fitz, there always a trial period.

Fifty years, Barney.

Headmaster Newcombe could fall flat on his face. Dr Cooper almost got the sack.

Madame told you that?

Todson. It's in the old board minutes. Apparently some of the older boys objected to Cooper because he was too young. Barely older than them.

The Old Goat? Was he ever young?

That's the spirit, Fitz.

But he kept the job. For 65 years!

But we might be able to make some... Hugo, you and Fortis, are excused today. Run along.

Is that okay, Professor Fitzgerald?

Yes, don't worry, Hugo. He'll be his old self, tomorrow.

You are wrong Barney. I won't be my old self. I will be my usual self.

God bless you. As I was saying, we might be able to rally the staff against Newcombe.

Yes, Barney, the intellectual cold-shoulder. A little elbow-sharp wit into the solar plexus.

Newcombe, you haven't thought that out, dear chap.

That's simply not how it is done, Newcombe.

Well, it might have been done that way in some public school, Newcombe! But not at Old Ivy.

He may quit in a week under such ridicule. Allenby and Sipes can ladle it out, too.

And Madame could lose his lecture notes, accidentally of course.

Accidentally, the only way, Barney.

I'd need a full bottle for that.

I'll buy a case of Johnny Walker for you to employ as you see fit, Professor Barnabus. I trust your intellectual judgement.

And we shall tell the lads that Newcombe is a terror for homework and four-hour exams.

I'll schedule a four-hour exam and blame him.

Me, too. This reminds me of my youth. I was in mischief most of the time. Exhilarating isn't it?

I suppose this is why young Hornblower always has a lighthearted demeanour.

Yes, I like the lad. Bloody awful student, though. He'll be a politician, no doubt.

Hardly fit for anything else. Operation... what should we call it?

Operation Exterminate!

Barney, that's a bit rough.

I thought you didn't want to finish second.

I don't. I won't. Operation Exterminate it is.

Good.

That little beggar infected me.

What little beggar?

In sixth grade. Bobby McKay. He came to my house a few days before the chess match to wish me good luck. Oh, my mother was so taken with the little bastard. Him sniffling the whole time.

Does it actually work that way, Fitz?

For little bastards like Bobby McKay it always does. They are tools of fate, Barney. They're McDuffs, every last one of those bastards.

I think you are finding the spirit now, Fitz.

You know what I did at next year's match?

Tell me, dear Fitz.

I pretended to be violently ill and I visited him to wish him luck!

He knew the jig was up, Fitz!

Yes, and I beat him in twelve moves. Just twelve moves. He had never been beaten so roundly before. Crushed him. Second place, uh!

It's time for a drink, Fitz.

Yes, a drink. I'm tired of packing my bed like a traveller's suitcase, every morning. I want the headmaster's suite.

You should have let the boys tidy up a bit, Fitz.

Dr Newcombe meet Bobby McKay.

Are you okay, Fitz?

Back to my usual self, Barney!

The Great Caper

Hey, Nubs front and centre. Fortis has a scheme. Okay, Fortis, explain it.

Friday is the welcoming party for the new headmaster.

A piss up for the headmaster! Who cares?

That's even better for us, Buchan.

Why do we care? We're still incarcerated.

All the profs will be there. So will all the Cathcart profs.

We know all this, Fortis. Why do we care a snap?

We are going to steal the profs' bikes and ride over to Cathcart.

It would be easier to take student bikes.

This is supposed to be an adventure, Coleman.

Okay, but how do we break into get the bikes.

And break through the gates?

The gates will be open for the visitors.

That still leaves the bike shed. It's locked right after the morning rides, Fortis.

Yep but who is in charge of the key?

I dunno, one of us takes it to Coach.

We won't give him the key.

And when he finds us, we'll be running laps for a month.

No, we don't take him the real key. Just a key that looks like it.

Brilliant, Fortis.

Now all we have to do is slip by the Class men guard on our door.

Class man guard. Class men are invited to the party. One of them gets left behind.

Who?

Who would be left behind? Come on think about it!

Moose!

Yeah, Marshall would be tricked or talked into it.

How do we get past him?

Hornblower told you first time we saw him, Dunlop.

Speak softly and carry a big bag of candy.

This is where Lang comes in.

Me, how?

You are going to catch cold on Monday.

Why?

You are going to get a little cold medicine.

I don't like cold medicine.

You aren't going to take it.

Well, why can't someone else not take it?

Because you are the biggest. Coach is going to give you the biggest dose.

You're gonna drug, Marshall? Fortis, you are a criminal genius!

Not completely drug him. I'm going to borrow some brandy from the staff room.

Marshall doesn't drink.

Yeah, I know but he will eat some brandy-cold medicine soaked candy.

How are you going to get into the staff room?

Us chamber boys are going to walk right in.

Not grammatical and not traditional! Chamber boys can't go into the staff room.

Right, but we're just Nubs and we plead innocence.

This is crazy, Fortis.

You don't have to come.

Oh, no, I'm not missing this.

Hornblower, you will to sneak over to Cathcart tomorrow to set things up with the girls.

Girls?

Yes, girls, Martin.

I wanna meet the girls. How do you get them out?

Yeah, Fortis. How do I get the girls out?

I was hoping you had an idea, Hornblower.

I knew this sounded too good. Fortis, you're no genius.

I got carried away. Mother always said I got carried away.

What if we had a diversion?

We could pull the fire alarms!

Nice one, Jack. Then the Cathcart profs come back and lock the place down and we'd get caught barehanded.

Ouilette, now you're the genius.

Thanks, Hornblower. How? What did I say?

Never mind. But I think I can guarantee that the entire first class of Cathcart will be out to see us.

I'm going wear my leather jacket.

Don't worry about what to wear, Martin.

How many girls? One for each of us?

More than that, at least fifteen of them.

Heroes

Fortis, why are you late?

Sorry Professor, I was doing an extra job.

Extra job?

Part of my chamber boy duties, sir.

Well, we need not go into particulars, Fortis.

No, sir.

As I was saying, gentlemen...

Did you get it?

The place was empty. Not even Mr Grammatika was there.

You sound disappointed.

Well, this is supposed to be an adventure.

Where's the...?

In my satchel.

Fortis...what if a Classman does a search?

Oh...

Mr Hugo, any ideas?

About?

About the lesson, Hugo.

I think Lermontov glamorizes suicide.

Go on, Hugo.

He introduces Russian roulette. He could have used poison.

Not heroic, poison, though.

Suiciders aren't heroic.

None of them?

None that I know of, sir.

Dunny, do you agree?

Yes, sir.

Go on, Dunny.

If you I had known I had to go on I would have disagreed.

Gentlemen, you sound like howler monkeys. Now Dunny, any opinion you hold should be supported by reason.

Think, think, think!

Good anticipation, Coleman.

If you think, think, think, you can't commit suicide.

Why, Dunny?

Because suicide ain't rational.

Poor grammar but sound thinking, Dunny.

Do you agree, Hugo?

Suiciders are irresponsible, sir. And ungrateful.

Do any of you hold that suicide is romantic?

Nothing romantic about someone's brains messing up the wall.

You have a very vivid imagination, Hugo.

Yes, sir.

Martin? Any thoughts.

I thought Russian roulette sounded exciting. As long as the gun doesn't go off.

But it does go off, Martin.

Yes, Buchan, I know, but it would be scary fun hearing the gun go click.

You never hear it go bang!

Good point, Hornblower.

Now, Martin, you will not be playing Russian roulette. Correct?

Oh no, sir. That would be crazy.

Soiree

Professor Allenby, Dr Borlasse, Coach Major.

Hello, Fitz. I thought you might skip this little coronation.

No, Coach. I have accepted the will of the board.

Tough luck, Fitz.

It wasn't in the cards... chemicals, Borly.

Ah, here comes our honored guest.

Gentlemen, this is a wonderful welcome.

Dr Newcombe, we are, all of us, very happy to serve you.

Professor Fitzgerald, I want you to meet someone.

I'd be delighted, Dr Newcombe.

Paul, please.

I'm happy to be called Fitz.

Fitz, I want you to meet my son.

Son?

Yes, My wife's here,too.

You're married?

Professor Elihu Fitzgerald meet my son Professor Elihu Newcombe.

Elihu?

Don't meet many, do you?

Never.

I've read most of your articles, professor. You are one of the reasons I chose literature as my field.

I...

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

I am flattered, Professor Newcombe.

Oh, here's my wife.

Darling, this is...

Fitz. Professor Fitzgerald.

You've met?

Uh... only in books, dear.

Fitz, this is my wife, Muriel.

Could I sit down a moment?

You've gone white, Professor Fitzgerald. Here, get off your feet for a minute.

Thanks, son. I guess my routine has been... disrupted.

Would you like a drink, professor?

Muriel, please bring... Where did your mother go? I'll get you a scotch.

No. Thanks, doctor. I need some air, I think.

I will escort you to chambers, Professor Fitzgerald.

No, please, Elihu, stay and enjoy the night. I will be fine. I just need some air and to find my... equilibrium, that's all.

The Descent

Fitz, are you leaving?

No, Barney, I just need some air. If you'd just steady me down the stairs.

You're pale. I can see that even in this light. Perhaps you should see Coach?

No, really Barney. I'm fine. Go in. Brandy is flowing like the waters of Avon.

Oh well then, if you are sure.

I'll come back in an hour, I'm sure. Thanks, Barney.

Take care, old friend. My blessing, I can smell the brandy from here.

Meeting

Fitz, I have only a few minutes. Paul will be looking for me.

Why didn't you tell me, Muriel?

I tried. You chose... all of this.

And you chose... him.

Not many men would have taken on...

Elihu is...

Yes. I must go, Fitz.

Why did you come here? To Ivy?

I didn't think you would still be here. I didn't see your name until Paul showed me the guest list. I must go. If only... dear Fitz.

Scream

Whisper! If we get caught now, we'll swing the same as if we'd pulled this off.

Do you think we should have some one watch Moose? He inhaled those candies.

He was snoring like the Old Goat.

Yeah, the Old Goat died.

Marshall's okay. He was still muttering in his sleep.

And you're doctor now, Adams?

No, but my old man is. Passed out drunks don't mutter. Only sleeping ones.

Listen up, Nubs. One at a time follow me. Stay in the bushes until you get to the shed. Got it?

I got it, Hornblower.

Fortis, get down.

What?

I think it's Fitz.

He looks drunk already.

He coming back to his chambers, Fortis.

I think he's sick. I think he's crying, Hugo.

He's sort of laughing.

Too much brandy. Sit tight.

Hugo, I'm starting to get nervous.

We have to make sure Fitz doesn't come back out and see us crossing to the shed.

Oh...Mother...

Hush, Fortis. Fitz might hear you.

Holy Snap! What was that!

Sounded like someone being murdered.

Perhaps someone found Moose . Dead. Oh Mother said I got carried away.

Shut up, Fortis. That noise came from Fitz or Coop's place.

Well, it wasn't Coop.

Maybe the new guy found a rat or something. Move, move and stay low.

Holy Snap!

Just the chimes, Fortis.

Move. Move!

Over here, Hugo.

Everyone here? Martin you got a count?

All twelve here, Hornblower.

Okay, Ouilette unlock the shed. In thirty seconds the rest of us get in. Grab the first bike you can and get out.

Yes, Hornblower, sir.

We meet on the other side of the shed and wheel the bikes to the Eidolon Road. Coast to the first turn off and wait until I get there.

Okay, Hornblower.

Ready for some adventure?

I'm ready to see some girls!

And they are ready to see you, Martin!

The Long Glide

Hugo, we're going twenty-eight miles an hour!

How'd know that?

This bike's got a speedo!

We better slow down, here's our meeting place.

Dunny, over here.

Hey, we are exactly zero point four miles from Ivy.

Why'd you take Allenby's bike?

You said to take the first bike, Hornblower.

Now he'll know his bike was taken.

Who cares? This won't stay secret.

All right, what's the plan, Hornblower?

We're gonna moon the girls.

What?

We're gonna ride-by Cathcart sans-pantaloons, as Monsieur LeMoyne would say.

This was Ouilette's plan?

I didn't plan this. But I am starting to like the idea!

Who's in? Hugo, Lang, Adams, Martin, Jack?

Yeah, let's go, we're all in. Where do we strip?

After we make the turn at the library, there's a little cul-du-sac. Be there. Then it's about a quarter mile to Cathcart.

Let's go. I'm stripping completely.

Fortis, are you crazy? One minute you're whining for your Mother, now you're a maniac!

Well, I'm going full starkers now from here! Who's man enough to join me?

If Fortis goes, I go.

I'll go with you, Dunny.

Me, too. You in, Hugo?

All right.

Lang?

Yeah. Let's make it unanimous.

Okay, guys?

Whoop! Whoop! Strip down!

Hugo, I think Mother...

...no talk about your mother, Fortis. This is your idea. Start stripping.

Why'd we choose a frosty night?

The girls won't see that well!

Let's go. Man, if we don't get stopped by cops first, this will be fun.

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The Show at Cathcart

I'm freezing and I've lost my socks, Hugo.

Mmmmeee toooo.

You lost your socks?

Nnnnoooo, I'mmmmm freeeeezzzinggg.

Oh Mother...the girls are there. Look there's a hundred of them!

Too late to sttttopppp now. Peddle like hell, Fortis!

Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Hugo!

What?

I'm getting....jazzed up.

Me, too.

This is great!

You are a genius, Fortis.

The Plant

Fortis, I left my belt in the shed.

We can't go back, Hugo. People are starting to leave the Great Hall.

I can't let some one find it tomorrow. They'd know something went on.

They probably already do.

I'm going. Give me the key.

It's in the pot by the shed door.

What pot?

The plant pot.

Why'd you leave it there?

I didn't want to get caught with it.

I'll see you in about ten minutes. Make it look like I'm in bed, in case Moose looks in.

If he's alive, he'll still be sleeping.

Haha.

Leave the key there, Hugo. Hugo...

Hush up...

Ill Wind

Did you enjoy the fancy ball, Professor Fitzgerald?

Not particularly, Hornblower.

Sorry, sir. I know you had your heart set on it.

It?

The head master's job, sir.

Yes, Hornblower. But we must deal with disappointment in our lives.

I dealt with it when you wrote my last report. But my disappoint was different, sir.

How so, Hornblower?

I deserved it, sir.

Thank you, Mr Hornblower. Gentlemen, I have learned that several bicycles were borrowed from the shed on Friday night. Professor Allenby reports that his bike was ridden 4.45 miles.

Very precise, sir.

Mathematicians are that way, Coleman. The bicycle incident though is secondary.

To the news from Cathcart?

No, Fortis. Jazzed up lads have been pulling stunts like this since Adam.

It wasn't just me!

Not you Adams, Adam, the first man. Adam and Eve.

Oh.

One of the Classmen was slipped a Mickey Finn.

Mickey Finn, sir?

Drugged. Mr Marshall was drugged. I'm not going to ask by whom or how it was done. But we must have an understanding, gentlemen. This will never be done again.

Never again, sir.

What do you suggest as an appropriate penalty, Mr Hornblower?

I think Coach is giving us a hundred laps.

The usual.

Perhaps assign a few of the Bard's plays?

That's not punishment, Hornblower. Why don't I just throw in drinks and cigars?

I'm at loss, sir.

Maybe, I will leave it all to Coach.

Thank you, sir!

I expect Allenby will assign some quadratics or some such creation.

Professor Allenby does not have much of the milk of human kindness in him, sir.

Close Shave

Bathroom light burned out. I wonder if I could finish shaving here, Dr Newcombe, ah Paul?

Certainly. Can't have a staff death on my hands, so soon into my tenure.

Old Ivy Professor Dies from Slashed Throat. Not good press, Paul.

That's why I use an electric. Go ahead. I expect you know the lay of the land.

Come in, door's open!

Good morning, Dr Newcombe.

Oh Johnny, good to see you. Where's Jerome?

He's cleaning up Professor Fitzgerald's place.

Some tidying up to do, I'm afraid, Johnny.

Mrs Newcombe still not back yet?

Muriel will be staying with Elihu a few more days. Apparently.

So you will be eating in the cafeteria again, Dr Newcombe?

Yes, Johnny. Again.

I'll save you a spot.

I didn't think I would be eating in the cafeteria quite so often when I made that 'first come, first served' rule. Perhaps, Fitz is right about tradition.

Did I hear my name? Hello, Hugo.

Good... good morning, professor.

That was quick, Fitz.

When a man finds his resolve, he gets right to the task at hand.

I'm going to replace the standard issue light bulb, Fitz. Damn tradition!

Most of us buy our own. Standard issue is too dim.

I better get to my task, Dr Newcombe..

Oh, it's time for the ride. Those vitamins are just the thing. Positively energizing, Fitz.

I feel better just knowing you are taking them.

I'll just take a few now and meet you outside.

I wouldn't miss it, Paul.

See you later, Hugo.

Leaving now, Paul.

Drat!

Something wrong, Dr Newcombe?

Just this little gizmo. Sort of flew apart. Clear a spot, Hugo.
Red, blue, red, blue.

Here's another red one, sir.

Good. Everything seems in order. Now, turn to Monday and like magic I have the right combination of vitamins and whatever else is in this.

You don't know?

Something Fitz takes. He a positive whirling dervish on his bike.

Professor Fitzgerald?

Yes. Absolutely possessed with energy.

The boys say only Dr Cooper was slower.

Oh, I think someone is pulling your leg, Johnny. Fitz is absolutely possessed with energy.

Have a nice time biking, Dr Newcombe.

Always!

Apparition

Arthur, where's Fitz this morning?

Not sure, I thought he left early, Paul.

No, his bike was at the shed. Think he will show up?

Oh, yes, Tuesday is Boston creme donut day at Hamlet's.

Fitz indulges, does he?

It's his only vice, Paul.

Cigars and brandy, don't count?

Not here, Paul.

And your indulgence, Arthur?

Study hall.

You enjoy study hall?

Yes, Paul.

No more dreams, Arthur?

Lots of them but none to be realized, I'm afraid.

I think that's Fitz coming now.

My blessings, he is a whirling dervish.

He's flying, Arthur!

Slow down, Fitz!

He's dangerous, Arthur.

My blessings, he isn't going to stop. Fitz! Fitz!

Call emergency. Someone call emergency.

Wake

What was he thinking?

Brain fade.

Bizarre accident, Arthur. Fitz looked as though he saw a ghost!

Had he been cycling at his normal speed, he would never have made it over the curb.

Must have been those vitamins.

Vitamins?

Fitz absolutely swore by them. Vitamins and some pick-me-up capsule.

Never knew he took them.

They've done me a ton of good. I tried to get Muriel to take them.

How is she?

First the move, then this and she was already feeling a little unlike herself. Started the night of the soirée. She's lying down now.

How are you, Johnny? Fitz took a shine to you. Where's Jerome?

I'll be okay, thanks Dr Newcombe. Jerome felt ill.

Too much stimulation got his heart up, I'll bet, Hugo.

I suppose we won't be needed here anymore.

Both of you can spend the extra time on my place, Johnny.

Perhaps, I could have Fitz's chambers, Paul. They're bigger than mine.

Really, Professor Barnabus?

Yes, of course, Arthur. Once we sort out... whatever needs to be sorted. Frankly, I've never dealt with this kind of thing.

None of us have. Usually, we die in our sleep. Except Chatsworth.

Chatsworth? What happened to him?

The story goes that Chats returned from Vimy with a grenade and blew himself to smithereens. In this room, I believe. Before my time, of course.

Professor Fitzgerald wouldn't commit suicide.

I believe you are right, Hugo.

My God. Do you suppose he overdosed on the vitamins?

I've never seen vitamins here, Dr Newcombe.

Me neither.

Strange, he told me he was positively sold on them.

He sold me on Melville, too, but Fitz never read him. Fitz was an eccentric. Even on the hottest June days, he lectured in cap and gown.

So the vitamins couldn't have been the problem? Good. I'm sold on them.

Who'll teach World Lit?

Oh my! I guess that will be me.

Too bad your son is already working.

Johnny, you are inspired. That's it. Elihu is the perfect choice to take Fitz's place.

They have the same first name. The same odd, sorry, unusual first name.

No worries, Johnny. I thought the name was odd, too. Muriel insisted on it. It came to her in a dream, she said. Romantic nonsense. You know how women are.

No.

No.

Strange, even a vague physical resemblance. Fitz was never in...

...never been anywhere. Came here when he was Hugo's age. And stayed. Doesn't even leave at end of term.

Good. Good.

That's who young Newcombe reminds me of! Young Fitz. Well, naps all round?

Yes. And perhaps a pick-me-up. Fitz never left campus?

Only for cycling and our annual outing to Cathcart.

I must go. I have reading to do. I got the syllabus from Mr Todson yesterday.

Good lad.

Do you want me tomorrow morning, Dr Newcombe?

I'll leave the door unlocked.

Mrs Newcombe is leaving again?

I expect so. Save me a seat for breakfast, Johnny.

Yes, sir. Good-bye Professor Barnabus, Dr Newcombe.

Nice lad.

Hope we don't ruin him.

The Right Chamber

Get the garbage, Fortis.

I'll straighten the front room. Dr Newcombe, should I straighten your papers? Dr Newcombe.

Probably sleeping late, Hugo.

Dr Newcombe. Fortis! Dr Newcombe is...

Dead?

Not again!


News for Barney

What about Dr Newcombe?

He's dead.

Not again!

I don't think he ever died before, Professor Barnabus.

Very droll, Hugo. Call the authorities-- again-- while I make myself presentable.

You're sure he's dead, Fortis, not just hanging on?

Rigor mortis.

Definitely beyond any mortal help then.

Way beyond.

Suspicion

I shouldn't wonder if your parents order you back home, Hugo.

Most of us are here...

Still that way, uh? I thought most modern parents were all squishy.

Most are, Professor Barnabus.

What's on your mind, Hugo? Difficulties with the Russian authors?

No, sir.

Boys not bothering you are they? That Dunlop is full of himself.

No. No, everything is fine.

But?

I've been thinking about things.

Fitz and Newcombe?

Dr Newcombe, actually. I haven't sorted out the facts for Professor Fitzgerald, yet.

What have you thought?

Dr Newcombe was murdered!

No, can't be. Medics said he had a dicky ticker.

Poison.

How?

The vitamins.

The detective took the pills. Just vitamins and ginseng. Sorry, Holmes, you've deduced a cipher.

The pills were just vitamins?

And a harmless ginseng concoction. I have it from an unimpeachable source.

I glad.

Because, if the vitamins were the cause of Newcombe's death, Fitz would be a prime suspect.

Yes. Only I can't figure out why Professor Fitzgerald died.

Besides being sliced like a cucumber?

I know that part. But why did he shoot through the stop sign?

Brain fade, as Fitz would say.

Why do brains fade?

Alcohol, drugs, emotion, distraction...

...distraction. He was distracted.

He never missed the Boston creme at Hamlet's. Every Tuesday. He was hurrying to catch up and...

..distraction.

But that raises the question why? He was getting over his disappointment of the headmastership.

Like he got over the disappointment of losing at chess 50 years ago? Sir.

Perceptive, young Hugo, perceptive. But Fitz was a quiet man. A reader. He didn't even write a lot anymore.

But he had been active. Years ago. Varsity rowing team.

That's years ago, Hugo.

He saw something which scared him.

Newcombe said Fitz looked as if he saw a ghost. So that doesn't help.

Unless he saw a ghost.

Supernatural goings on at Old Ivy! I don't think so, Hugo.

Neither do I, Dr Barnabus.


Rosencrantz and Jerome

Hugo, Hugo!

Fortis? I thought you weren't coming back.

This place grows on me. Like a wart. I was worried about you.

Like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Yes, I guess I can worry enough for two people.

I've been mulling this ghost thing over and over.

Ghosts don't really exist, Hugo.

Mmmmm.

They don't, do they? Hugo?

No, they don't, Fortis! You are a genius!

Mother told me I might not get back in time. You've gone crazy!

The Ghost

Are you busy, Professor Barnabus?

Honestly, Hugo, I became a professor in order not to be busy.

I think Professor Fitzgerald saw someone who was supposed to be a ghost.

Carry on.

Dr Newcombe was supposed to die.

So Fitz could take his place.

No. Revenge.

Yes. For fifty years of work gone to Hell.

Yes.

But Fitz died first.

He thought he poisoned Dr Newcombe and he hadn't.

Hugo, this is dangerous talk.

Yes, sir.

Could ruin the school, Hugo.

Yes, sir.

You are a Haller?

Don't Hallers love the truth?

We're supposed to.

Do you think Professor Fitzgerald could...

Fitz did not like to finish second. You heard the chess story.

But a lot of people are like that. Dunny, for instance.

You don't want Fitz to be guilty, do you?

No, sir.

I know Fitz was very disappointed. He worked for that job since he was twenty-five maybe younger. But...

It's a big step.

Big step?

From disappointment to suicide.

Suicide?

I mean murder. Disappointment to murder.

Yes. Very astute, Hugo.

Do you think Dr Newcombe could have been poisoned at the welcoming party?

No, why even suggest that, Hugo?

Well, Dr Newcombe said his wife got sick that night.

And Fitz did, too.

He did?

Yes, he wasn't there a half hour. I was just entering the Great Hall and he was leaving.

I saw him leave.

You did?

Fortis and I were sneaking over to the bike shed. We saw Professor Fitzgerald and jumped into the bushes to hide from him.

Fitz never came back. And the brandy was indeed flowing like the waters of Avon.

Just before the half-seven chimes, I heard a scream or wail.

From where?

Either here, or Dr Newcombe's chamber.

The Newcombes were all in the Great Hall, Hugo.

Detection

You there. What are doing up here?

I'm the chamber boy. I tidy up the rooms.

Are there other chamber boys?

There was another boy but he went home. Shouldn't you ask my name?

What's your name?

Hugo, Jonathan.

Well, Mr Jonathan.

My name's Jonathan Hugo.

You said Hugo Jonathon.

Last name first, first name last. It's tradition here, sir. What's your name?

Stick. Richard. Detective.

Call me Hugo, Detective Stick

You come here every day, Hugo?

Every day to Professor Fitzgerald's chambers. If Mrs Newcombe was away, I tidied up Dr Newcombe's chambers.

Is Mrs Newcombe away a lot?

They only arrived two weeks ago and I've only seen her once.

Who was here before?

Dr Cooper. He died.

When?

Three weeks ago. He died in his bed.

You found him?

Yes, sir.

Professor Fitzgerald, did you find him, too?

No. He died in town. Didn't you read the newspaper?

I just started this job. How did Fitzgerald die?

He rode his bike through the library window.

Yes, I read that. He missed the traffic deflection device.

He almost hit one of the posts.

Almost counts for nothing. And... Newcombe?

He had a heart attack.

Said who?

The emergency people.

And Cooper?

He was ninety.

I don't know why the desk sent me here. Accident, heart attack and old age. Co-incidences.

Except, that Dr Newcombe said that Professor Fitzgerald looked as though he had seen a ghost just before he crashed.

He runs a stop sign. Last second, his brain kicks in. I'd go white, too.

He didn't say 'go white', he said 'saw a ghost'.

Artsy types. They flower everything up. Okay, nothing to detect here. Thank you, Mr Hugo.

May I have your card?

Card? Oh yes. No. I don't have a card yet.

Should I just call the department and ask for you?

Why would you be calling? I don't tutor algebra.

In case I find something.

About? This? There's nothing here. Three completely co-incidental deaths. Now run along and do your chamber boy stuff.

Yes, sir.

Adding up

Detective Stick?

Yeah. Who this?

Jonathon Hugo.

Jonathon Hugo? Oh, chamber boy.

Yes, sir. I found something.

Look, John... Hugo, there's no crime.

I found a red pill in Dr Newcombe's garbage.

And?

Well, the dispenser had eight pills left. We assume Dr Newcombe took the other six.

Yeah. Two each day. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

The report said there were thirty-six pills still in the bottle, which originally held fifty pills.

Fourteen plus thirty-six is fifty.

Plus the one that I found in the garbage makes fifty-one.

Fifty, fifty-one, so what?

I'm not sure.

Maybe he dropped it and threw in the garbage. Artsy people are finicky as cats. We tested all the pills. Dispenser and the bottles.

Well, not all the pills.

Okay, not the one you found.

Or the ones Dr Newcombe took.

I gotta get back to work, Hugo. Leave this alone, okay kid?

You would want to hear about evidence, right, Detective Stick?

Evidence, yes but there isn't any.

Photographic Memories

Hello, Hugo. You are turning into my best customer.

Good morning, Dr Todson. Can I see the stuff from Professor Fitzgerald's room?

Again? You've gone through the papers. I'm not sure where his other stuff went.

Nothing else?

I've been through the papers, too. Just literary criticism. Books are just what you'd expect for a professor of English. Nice collection of Shakespeare. Russian authors. Old year books.

Year books?

Ivy Hall volumes from the last fifty years.

Oh.

I found Fitz's university year book.

Can I see that?

Sure. Is it important?

Not sure.

Here it is. That's Fitz. Handsome devil, wasn't he?

Was he a member of any clubs?

There's a directory.

Chess. Yes, there he is. And chemistry. What is a chemistry club? Why would he be a member of that?

Judging from the photo to meet pretty girls.

Odd.

Fitz was odd. He was on the rowing team, too. Varsity. Look.

He was very lean in those days.

A different man entirely, Hugo. That's 40 years ago.

Dr Todson!

What, Hugo?

Who is that?

A very pretty woman. Let's see Muriel Young, secretary of the chemistry club. That's why Fitz joined, I'd say, pretty girls.

Does she remind you of Muriel Newcombe?

Hugo, I think you're right.

He never let on.

Neither did she. Awkward, of course. It was a long time ago.

Did you meet, Elihu Newcombe, Dr Todson?

Yes, at the welcoming party, briefly.

Do you think he looks like Professor Fitzgerald's picture?

I'd say...yes. Hugo, this is dangerous stuff.

The truth is always dangerous.


The chamber was spun

Detective Stick, it's Hugo. Professor Fitzgerald and Muriel Newcombe knew each other.

Why does that matter?

They said they didn't know each other.

Why'd they do that?

They were lovers. And Dr Newcombe's son looks like a young Professor Fitzgerald.

Not evidence but interesting. I interviewed Mrs Newcombe. At her son's home, actually. If it's murder, I'd say she didn't do it.

Mmmm. That only leaves Professor Fitzgerald.

And he was killed three days before Newcombe died. Mrs Newcombe was sedated after Fitz's funeral. And was under custodial care even at the funeral of her husband. She couldn't have done it. You need a living suspect or at least one living at the time of the alleged murder, Mr Hugo.

No more suspects.

.. or a time bomb. You need to do more thinking, Hugo.

Purchase Receipt

Hello, boys. Hugo, I found a box containing Fitz's receipts. They go back to his first days here. And a box with his kettle, tea cup, and so on.

Thanks for looking, Dr Todson.

Have fun. I've some articling to do. He roped you in, too, Fortis?

Mother says I'm naturally curious.

Perhaps we can find the missing piece.

Why would anyone keep a receipt for poison, Hugo?

Fortis, why would anyone keep receipts for 50 years?

Good point, Hugo.

We should start most recent and work back, right?

Unless Fitz poisoned others in the past!

That's a thought.

Come on, Fortis. Sort through that.

He doesn't really buy a lot. Tea, coco, biscuits, a few cigars, books mostly.

A tire replacement. He must have a fortune in the bank. He hardly spends anything. Ah, new shoes, last year.

Let's look further back.

I'm going to get a drink from Cookie. You want one?

We can't drink here.

After that bike ride, we can do anything, Hugo!

Bring a chocolate bar, too, then.

Later

Chocolate milk and chocolate bars!

What kept you? You've been gone nearly two hours.

Oh, Washer wanted to know all the details about the ride.

Washer?

The guy with the funny eyes. He washes the dishes.

His name's Washer?

No! Any progress, Hugo?

Nothing. Fitz lead a very cheap life.

Are you done?

Got one more packet to look at but the receipts were a dud.

Where did Cookie hide these chocolate bars?

Staff use only!

Fortis, you are becoming a criminal mastermind. Did you kill Dr Newcombe?

No, I liked him. Allenby tempts me though.

Fortis, I've found something!

What? What?

Look!

I'm looking. What am I looking at?

The Last Will and Testament of Elihu Kilkenny Fitzgerald.

Kilkenny? As if 'Elihu' wasn't odd enough!

Listen to this! I, Elihu...

Yeah skip that. Get to the good stuff.

Do hereby leave my entire estate to Elihu Newcombe.

Why? This makes no sense.

But it does, Fortis. Elihu Newcombe is Fitz's son. And this will is dated the day after the welcoming party.

Then Fitz committed suicide?

No. I still think his death is accidental. But I'm sure now he poisoned
Dr Newcombe.

But you can't prove it.

Right.

Stick will be interested in the will, though.

Perhaps. He seemed a little more interested that last time I spoke with him.

What did he say?

I needed a new suspect.

Who?

I suppose Allenby.

Let's pin it on him!

Stick said I needed a new suspect or a time bomb.

The pill dispenser is the time bomb, Hugo.

Yes! And it didn't go off on time. Why?

Fitz put the pill in the wrong chamber.

No. Dr Newcombe did.

Newcombe committed suicide?

No. The day Fitz came over to shave, Newcombe had a problem with the dispenser. It came apart and spilled out the pills.

And he put it together and mixed up the poison pill.

Yeah.

Did Fitz know the dispenser came apart?

He wasn't there when it happened. He'd already left Dr Newcombe's place.

So Fitz is late Tuesday on the ride. And is racing to catch up. Why was he late?

I don't know.

To see Mrs Newcombe.

No, that would place him at the scene of the crime. His best alibi would have been to leave with the others.

Maybe it was suicide. Maybe he had to make it look like an accident to collect insurance. I saw that on TV once.

He was only a few minutes late.

Perhaps he couldn't find his shoes. He looked drunk when we saw him.

When was the will dated?

The day he died.

That's it. He pulled it out of his desk and wrote in the part about Elihu Newcombe.

Why? If he wasn't suicidal, he didn't need to do that. He could have waited.

And Fitz thinking...

Newcombe has taken the pill on Tuesday...

...thinks he sees a ghost and barrels into the library window.

Holy Snapperoo!

Then Newcombe takes the poison four days later.

But we can't prove the poison pill existed, Hugo.

There must be a clue in Fitz's stuff.

You've looked through all of it.

Yeah. Let's take the will to Dr Todson.

Hey, it was fun. I suppose we have to get back to normal now.

Do you think Young Newcombe will get hired?

I don't know. But Old Barney thinks Allenby will be the new head master!

Two hours of calculus nightly!

All we need is another poisoned pill. We know how to pull it off!

Fortis, I think your mother needs to have a long talk with you.

Call
Hugo? It's Detective Stick.

I didn't expect you to call. Mr Grammatika excused me from class.

Not quite tradition, I suppose?

No.

Listen, thanks for finding the will. It clears up a few things.

You're welcome, Detective.

Anything else?

No, the receipts were old and ordinary.

No arsenic or plutonium pills?

No, sir.

Drop by sometime and I'll show you around. You got a good head for
forensics.

I would like that! Oh, I did find the time bomb you mentioned.

Time bomb?

You said I needed a new suspect or a time bomb.

Oh yeah. So?

The poison was in the pill dispenser.

If there was a poison.

Okay. But Fitz acted like he saw a ghost because Dr Newcombe was
supposed to have taken the poison on Tuesday.

Why didn't he?

Because the dispenser came apart.

And Newcombe scrambled the order!

Yep.

The Chief won't order an autopsy unless I find a poison.

There was nothing in the dispenser?

Nothing. Clean as a whistle. Except for trace nicotine.

I don't think Dr Newcombe smoked. Fitz did.

I think there was trace nicotine in the trash from Newcombe's bathroom, too.

Fitz was in the bathroom just before the dispenser came apart.

How do you know this, Hugo?

I was there to tidy up. Fitz said his light bulb burned out and he came over to shave. Only, he didn't stay long enough to shave.

Long enough to replace a pill?

Probably.

Did Fitz smoke a lot?

I never saw him smoke. But he made a few references to cigars in class. The staff room always smelled of cigars.

Here's the report. Yep, trace nicotine and shaving soap in trash. Trace nicotine. Oh, and trace shaving soap on the dispenser.

Trash Thinking

Fortis, did you take a light bulb out in Fitz's trash?

I don't know. I never looked. Why?

Fitz said the light burned out that day he shaved at Newcombe's.

Yeah.

And it was working the day of the wake.

Our fearless janitor, Brooms, must have replaced it.

Fitz liked a brighter light than the ones Brooms used. I heard him say that most of the profs buy their own.

If he replaced it...

...he has the receipt!

Back to the library, Hugo. Old Todson will be tired of seeing us soon.

Library Replay

Did you find a receipt?

Yeah. Look.

So he wasn't lying about the burned out bulb?

Back to square one.

Maybe not. This receipt is a few months old.

He might have bought a few bulbs and just used the last one.

Yeah. Okay. That's it. Nothing more to look at.

There's his kitchen stuff.

What kitchen?

You know his kettle, cup. The stuff he hid in his room.

Here it is. Yep kettle, cup, culture dish, coco, tea...

What?

Tea.

Before that.

Ummmm coco.

No, culture dish.

Yeah, culture dish. Ouch.

What?

Nicked my finger on his cheese slicer.

You didn't say he had a cheese slicer.

I'm telling you now. He had a cheese slicer. A sharp one.

Why would Fitz have a culture dish?

It got some sticky stuff in it and it smells like an ashtray.

Ashtray. Nothing else?

No, unless the tea bags or coco is poison. This is the end of the road for Fortis and Hugo, homicide detection!

Fitz's place never smelled of cigars.

So?

So, why would he need an ashtray?

I didn't say it was an ashtray. I said, it smells like an ashtray.

If it smells like an ashtray it is an ashtray.

Hugo, why would he make an ashtray out of a culture dish? They are too small to hold a cigar.

A culture dish is used for experiments. And Fitz was experimenting with...

Tobacco.

To prove what?

That tobacco really does cause lung cancer. I don't know.

Fortis, your finger is turning red.

Oh... it's turning black too!

That's the crud from the culture dish.

Are you allergic to anything, Fortis?

No. I don't feel too good. I feel clammy, Hugo.

Be brave. Dr Todson! Dr Todson!

Did you find the receipt, boys?

No, Dr Todson. I think Fortis needs medical attention.

I call Coach Major.

We need a doctor!

Coach is a doctor, a physician.

I wondered why he gave out pills.

Diagnosis

What is this black stuff, Hugo?

I think it's tobacco tar, Coach.

I thought so. Young Fortis is lucky we got this early. Nicotine poisoning can kill in a few minutes if the dose is high enough.

How high?

For a person your size, about thirty milligrams.

For an adult?

Twice that. About the amount from a small cigar.

Holy snap, Hugo! We...

...we had a close call.

Were you smoking?

No Coach. We, er Fortis stuck his finger in an ashtray.

Why?

Just seemed like fun, Coach.

I've cleaned the cut. If you feel sick, nausea, diarrhea, clamminess, dizzy --anything-- call me. Who's on watch tonight?

Marshall, sir.

Marshall? Hugo, he'll let me die.

I'll stay up and watch you, Fortis.

I'll stay with the boys, Coach.

Fine, Todd. I'll call in first thing in the morning.

Dorm

Hugo... Hugo.

What? Hush up.

Why did you shut me up?

I want to think about turning in Fitz.

Why?

Elihu might find out that Fitz is his real dad.

It's hard to lose a dad.

He'd have lost both dads.

And he'd wonder about his mom, too.

Yep, he'd have lost everything.

Mother would want me to turn him in.

What would your father say?

He left last year.

Sorry, I wondered why you never said anything...

My father traveled a lot. What if Fitz isn't the...one?

Fortis, we have the evidence. Method, opportunity, motive.

I'm still hoping Allenby might be the one.

Allenby's not so bad.

Neither was Fitz. He could have ratted us out about the ride.

They all knew.

Still a hundred laps was bad enough.

If I turn in Fitz, Dr Newcombe is still dead.

Oh, yeah. What about Stick?


Last Call

Detective Stick?

Hugo! Any clues?

No. I thought Fitz lied about the light bulb but I found a receipt for light bulbs. So everything is just as you said, coincidences, only coincidences.

The Chief just needed one more piece. You got him leaning with the news about the Newcombe's wife and Fitz. One more little piece and we'd get an autopsy.

No, you were right all along, Detective Stick.

Too bad. It was getting interesting, Hugo.

Sometimes you find out stuff that doesn't help, any one.

Drop by, Hugo. You got a head for this.

But not the heart for it, Detective Stick. Not the heart for it.

The Road Back

Hugo!

Benson! I thought you'd already be lost to Shakespeare for the summer.

And I thought you'd be staying all summer. Sling your stuff in the back and ride up front.

Still got a body in the trunk?

Of course! How's Young Newcombe?

Every day it's Think! Think! Think!

Sounds like Old Fitz! Must be part of the tradition.

It runs in the Ivy Hall family.

Yeah. So you're going home?

Just for the summer. I got a little homesick.